People of Mustached American descent are hard working, innovative, typically overweight, and enjoy prostitutes. But our innovative spirit should never be eclipsed by these other fancies, as it has always defined our people, especially as we face a tough economic outlook both at home and abroad.

Now, one Mustached American has a thought on how to spur the U.S. economy.

In the 1930s, a decision was made that the Mustached American people have blessedly thanked since. You see, as a means to help bring us out of the Great Depression, Prohibition was lifted.

Our Mustached American friend at ReverseEvolution believes the U.S. should legalize marijuana, assuming it would have a similar impact as Prohibition: creating jobs, reducing crime, helping overweight women look better, and making people smile....a lot....all across the U.S.

He makes a relatively cogent argument, and you can read about it here.

Carry on.

 

Brad Pitt's not the only homie pimping lip lettuce, albeit he is on the cover of Rolling Stone, which doesn't suck. But oh no....the esteemed Dr. Perlut has a new column up at JoeSportsFan.com. It focuses on NBA hoops, but of course, and distractions in sports. You can read it here.

Of possibly greater importance to you, the 13.85 readers of the AMI blog - if you want to read about some hardcore mustaches from NBA past and present, Dr. Perlut's piece links to this article from our friends at IntentionalFoul.com.  It's a fine piece about great NBA cookie dusters. 

Finally, we found it interesting that Huffington Post is calling 2008 the "Year of the Mustache." Certainly we appreciate the glory that is the return of the Labia Sebucula (Latin for "Lip Sweater") to pop culture, and reporter Anya Strzemien does a fine job in making her case - including giving AMI a citation towards the end. 

Carry on.

We're never big on celebrities who grow mustaches for convenience sakes, but when it's someone with the fame of Brad Pitt, who can have a significant impact on the state of Mustached Americans, we have to pay attention.

Pitt's currently filming a new Quintin Tarrantino film in Germany - the only country that loves mustaches more than Bulgaria. And as he is presumably playing a German, he's growing a mustache.

Not only is he on the cover of Rolling Stone with his Labia Sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"), but he told Larry King, who in fact remains alive, that he is standing up for mustached men everywhere. And then he old UsWeekly that he's working to bring the mustache back. 

So let's be sure to support Brad and thank him if you see him.And while your at it - let him know that this shirt/tie combo (pictured at right) really doesn't work but that you appreciate the effort.

Carry on Brad Pitt. Carry on indeed.

Hello all!

Here's hoping you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Surreal seems to completely capture the experience I am having here in Iraq, so I would have to say it was very surreal to find myself enjoying Thanksgiving in Baghdad, Iraq. Ours was a little different than yours, I suspect. We began the day with an early morning mission into Shulla, just north of our FOB. We'd only learned the night before that we would have to hastily put this mission together as our LT needed pictures of businesses in that area that had receieved business grants courtesy of the USA for a slide presentation he had to put together. So, rather than sleep in and enjoy a nice Thanksgiving day breakfast, we threw on our gear and convoyed to Shulla.

It was a beautiful morning and sitting up in the gunner's turret the entire time, pulling security, I had time to reflect on all that I'm thankful for in my life. I watched the Iraqis in the area go about their business, some leading donkeys or herding sheep, others doing their shopping, or just meandering about and I couldn't help but think about how thankful I am to live in the greatest country in the world. (Our terp, Caster, did secure us some wonderful Iraqi bread freshly baked for breakfast).

It also dawned on me how fortunate I am to have my health, especially at 42 and performing a job most 20-year-olds are even struggling with. I have no illnesses, no aches and pains other than some occasional shoulder aches due to all this freakin armor we wear, and am fully competent in performing my duties. I'm thankful to have so many caring friends and family back home who write and have sent wonderful care packages to help make our living conditions here a little more tolerable. I'm thankful to serve with so many wonderful young people who do their jobs while knowing people are back home, safe and snuggled in their beds because they are over here serving. That fact is not lost on them. We have an all-volunteer military filled with intelligent, honorable people who do the job for a paltry wage and they do it with a positive attitude.

I'm also thankful for the experiences I've already been able to have, which most people will never be able to. I've met many wonderful people here from other countries, including Australians, Romanians and Ugandans. They all have very positive attitudes towards the good old USA, many of whom have either been or wish to go there. And, of course, there's the Iraqis I've met who are helping us to rebuild their country. They are thankful for our efforts to remove Saddam Hussein and to help them take back control of their country rather than just leave it in a mess, a leaderless vaccuum. In particular, those who risk their own lives helping us, our interpreters and contractors who are targets of the bad people who wish to see a free and democratic Iraq fail.

So, my Thanksgiving, while definitely out of the ordinary, was a good one. It put so much into perspective for me. Like everyone else here, I can't wait to get back home to my comfortable life and enjoy the freedoms we all get to enjoy. As Christmas approaches, I know some of you back home want to know if there's anything you can do to help us out. We really aren't lacking for anything. Of course, we love the care packages and letters and cards, it's always nice to receive mail. I suspect some 1st ID soldiers aren't getting much mail as they are young and might just have immediate family sending them stuff. Also, our own Lt. John Harris doesn't get much mail, either. So, if you want to send a Christmas package to a 1st ID soldier or our own beloved LT, feel free to send something to him directly at the address below, just put his name where mine is, or for a 1st ID soldier, wrap it and send it to my attention but be sure to include your name and address in the package so they can respond back to you.

We pretty much have no females here, maybe 5, so keep that in mind. Finally, Team Zombie is asking for a few Barbie Dolls and such for our wonderful interpreter's 2 daughters. Caster tells us they are age 6 and 12, like dolls and drawing with colors. Caster does so much for us and puts his life on the line every day when he goes out into the very neighborhoods where he lives and frequents.

Another request is for stuff for an 8-month-old baby girl, who is the sole daughter of Achmed, a nice young contractor who has already gone out of his way to bring us Iraqi pizza and such. He does all the contract work on the base and is an enterprising young man who always has a smile and cheerful greeting for me. I just think it would be nice to share our own good fortune with these two men whose families must also worry about them.

My "new" address, as the other ones still result in our mail winding up at HQ at FOB Liberty (mail seems to take one week to get here):

Sgt Jon Alvarez
CAB 1/18 Civil Affairs
2 H BCT 1st ID
FOB Justice
APO AE 09344

God Bless and Merry Christmas from a very quiet and peaceful Baghdad!

SGT Jon Alvarez, USAR
A Co 403rd CA BN
Team Zombie
FOB Justice, Iraq
www.MySpace.com/ILoveCNY

Come relive the ridicularity of 'Stache Bash 2008 with our annual event video that you can watch here. 

Carry on. 

With only three more days left of procrastinating real work until after the Thanksgiving holiday break, Dr. Perlut's weekly NBA column is up on JoeSportsFan.com and you can read it here. This week he highlights the Washington WizardsBullets, who fired its fine Mustached American coach Eddie Jordan on Monday and replaced him with another Mustached American, Ed Tapscott.

Carry on. 

Good morning from Baghdad, where the weather has been nice and cool, 50's in the morning and 70's during the day. Things remain nice and quiet for us in our little AO (Area of Operation) as Team Zombie is finally settled in as we moved into our new office last week when we returned from FOB Liberty for five days of MRAP (Mine Resistant Armored Prtoection) vehicle training.Pretty cool vehicle, like driving an armored bus.

Our team has been occupied mostly with updating paperwork relative to applications for business grants from the various neighborhoods in our AO. Over the past 24 hours, Grandpa and I volunteered to participate in two walking presence patrols in Khadimya just outside our gate, both two hours long, one at night and yesterday afternoon. I haven't walked that much in full battle rattle since Basic and damn was my back feeling it! It was very cool, though. We saw so much of the area.

During the night patrol, the power went out on one street we were walking thru, definitely made for some jittery nerves. It was amazing to see so many people out and about, at the little shops along the way, mostly friendly and responsive to the general greeting "A Salaama Lakem" which means "Peace Be Upon You". We stopped at a nite club packed full of men on outdoor patios playing dominoes. Several hotels along the way appeared to be very nice, as the local shrine appears to be a big draw for Shia pilgrims visiting the area. The Iraqi Army and Police seem to have a good report with the populace as those interspersed amongst our patrol greeted many along the way and seemed to have very friendly relations with those we met along the way.

Funny story...during yesterday's daytime patrol thru the markets and around the shrine, several of the Iraqi Police walking with us wanted to trade equipment with me, kept asking my name, etc. all very cordial, but when one guy asked me what my name was, his buddy told me the guy's name was "Loogy", which I could easily remember as the English equivalent was a sort of spit, right? So I'm calling the cop "Loogy" during the patrol and he and his buddies were laughing. Finally, at the end of the patrol, one of the interpreters hears me and informs me that "Loogy" means "Ass-Kisser" in Arabic. So I tell him to tell the cop I really thought his name was "Loogy" and they all got a big laugh out of it.

The market area we walked thru yesterday was unbelievable, just packed with people and all sorts of goods from rich silks and carpets to gold and foods of all sorts. Just like anywhere, when security improves, business does as well and that was very evident yesterday. It was a very good patrol to participate in as we got to see so much up close and personal rather than in a Humvee driving thru. Attitudes were good and people again, seem to appreciate their freedom and like most of us, want to work and make a buck. It's too bad none of this gets reported back home. I have pics of the market and shrine, and Loogy, on myspace under "Khadimya Market and Shrine".

Yesterday I also discovered that Bowzer the puppy is alive and well, living in the back of the FOB with her (he's a she) siblings and getting nice and fat thanks to the 1st ID soldiers who have adopted them and named her "Wilber". Also, unsure if I'd shared this, but there's about 300 Ugandan soldiers on our post, responsible for perimter security and I have to say, they do a damn good job and pose quite the imposing figure. I always make a point of greeting them with the Ugandan "Aghandi" which means "How Are You" and occasionally a "Waybody" which means "Thank You". It's fun to get to know them and see them light up with a smile when they see a Joe actually trying to relate to them. Heck, the way I see it, they are doing a job that saves Joe from having to man that gate or watchtower at night and I appreciate them for it.

Chow has gotten a little better under the 1st ID now that they have taken control from the departing 502nd Airborne, who by now should be home and enjoying life stateside. The bacon is crispier, however, we are now short on cereal and other snack items. If anyone wants to send us stuff, Pickel has asked for Doritos and my request would be for Captain Crunch Berries. Unsure of Granpa and LT's requests, but they seem to enjoy anything we get as we all appreciate the baked goods we've receieved, especially the homemade fudge we receieved from the ever-wonderful folks at Madison Manufacturing in Hamilton! Just wonderful people there and everyone in the 403rd back at Liberty and here at Justice and the other FOBs want me to reiterate how thankful and appreciative we all are for the goodies already sent. Also, if anyone has kiddos at home or school who want a pen pal, there's plenty of Joes not getting mail who would probably love to have one, so just have them send a generic letter with a home or school address on it and I'll distribute. We'd also like hard candy and pens/pencils as that is the biggest request from Iraqi kids we meet. They appear to be well-fed and healthy, but are such beggars. They come up, shake hands with us and greet us, then say "Mister, Mister, you got chocolate" or ask for the pens in our sleeves. Too funny.

Well, that's about the latest and greatest from our quiet little spot in Baghdad. Will keep you posted as things progress. It hasn't even sunk in yet that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. We're just looking forward to the New Year, which means we're that much closer to getting back home.

God Bless!

Sgt Jon Alvarez
A Co 403rd CA BN
2 H BCT 1ID
FOB Justice
APO AE 09344
www.myspace.com/ILoveCNY

 

 

Thanksgiving is upon us and as always, it's a time when we reflect upon what we, as Mustached Americans, are thanksful for. Generally, this is something we do with family and friends. But since you - the 17.6 readers of the American Mustache Institute blog - have become our family and friends in recent years, our faculty and administration would like to share what we are thankful for with you.

VIJOY RAO, CM
DIRECTOR, ADMINISTRATION, FINANCE & LEGAL AFFAIRS

• I am thankful that AMI digital director Ron Heinz was at Stache Bash 08 in a red silk robe and didn’t even know it was a dress up party. That’s just how he rolls on Saturdays.
• I am thankful that my wife’s job keeps her busy and distracted enough to not realize that she is way out of my league
• I am thankful for my health and friends and caramel-esque browness.

PROF. ANTHONY ZAGORA
BOTANICAL MUSTACHEOLOGY STUDIES

• I am thankful for tomorrow, because I get better looking every day.
• I am thankful for Forrest Whitaker because he just keeps delivering incredible acting performance after performance.
• I am thankful for the cheesemakers, for they shall make cheese.
• I am thankful for every music critic that ripped apart the latest offering from the overrated Guns 'N Roses.

RYAN MCCLURE, ESQ.
STAFF NAIL TECHNICIAN

• I’m thankful for the fact that I’m am not wearing a barrel (yet).
• I’m thankful that Big League chew is still available in most respectable retail convenience-marts
• I’m thankful that I don’t have to do much work on this blog, save for sending Dr. Froman some silly one-liners every once in while.
• I’m thankful for adult onsies. ‘Nuff said.
  

DR. JOSHUA ROGERS
PROFESSOR OF NUCLEAR MUSTACHEOLOGY

I am thankful for:

• Salted nut rolls.
• The powerful, yet gentle voice of Christopher Cross.
• Kidney beans in salad bars
• Q-tips.
• Antiperspirant that doesn’t discolor the underarms of my white t-shirts after extensive use.
  

ROBERT "BOBERT" JONES
DIRECTOR, FACILITIES

• I am thankful for Steve Bartman.
• I am thankful for the St. Louis Cardinals, Green Bay Packers, Indiana Hoosier men’s basketball, Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team, and the Indianapolis Colts.
• I am thankful for fantasy football.
• I am thankful that I have a job right now as the economy tumbles.
• I am thankful for the sacrifices my parents made to provide me with opportunities I otherwise would not have had.
• I am thankful every f'ing time someone asks me if I’m a golfer when I introduce myself for having a name that is a good conversation starter.

DR. DANIEL T. CALLAHAN, Ph.D., CM
DIRECTOR, RESEARCH

I'm just thankful to live in a country where:

• Wally on "Leave it to Beaver" has a sculpture in the real Louvre, not the one created for the "Happy Days" episode.
• A Superior, Wisconsin man collects twine from 1979 to today and CBS News would devote airtime to it.
• Many victims of crimes neglect to put away their illegal drugs before calling police.
• Our Presidential election causes professors to steal lawns signs, priests to withhold communion, the Republican vice presidential candidate to be hung in effigy in West Hollywood, and a grade school principal to write a poem dedicated to our new president based on the "Good Times" theme song.
• A Florida teen gets 18 months in jail for casting his grandmother in a gangster rap video.
• Tom Cruise believes he should stop at all accidents because he’s the only one that can really help.
• While on a field trip to Chicago’s Field Museum, students from Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management vomit and spit on people and pass out in high-traffic areas.
• Men are arrested for having sex with: a picnic table, a park bench and a car wash vacuum.
  
• Madonna can continue touring the country scaring people.
• Children of celebrities would provide so much joy and six-figure payments from important magazine publishers.
• We will not have to hear Gary Glitter’s music until after he’s dead.
  

DR. ABRAHAM FROMAN, CM
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER

I am thankful for: 

• bacon, sausage, ham, pork loin, and sides of bacon.
• the fact that 11.8 of 13 people I meet each day have a shared dislike for one Dave Navarro, who sucks. 
• for Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a horse and for having never seen, nor met any male who has seen, the "Sex & The City" movie.
  
• for nasty dunks, ALF, anything starring Mr. T, and midgets.....just for being midgets.
• for the musical stylings of Wierd Al Yankovic, who of course, is the brother of Leaping Lanny Poffo.
  

GERTRUDE WISEMAN
STAFF PSYCHOANALYST

• I am thankful that wearing sunscreen and being pale is back in style.
• I am thankful that when my car was broken into and ransacked on Tuesday night, there was nothing in it to take, except a cellphone charger, a quarter, and a package containing 20 boxes of alfredo-flavored Mac'n'Cheese I was supposed to have mailed to a friend earlier in the day.
• I am thankful my parents and brothers are so awesome and am also thankful they haven't really realized this.
• I am thankful I left North Dakota and found food that is not only brown or white; but I am also thankful that I moved all of the gear to make lefse, which happens to be a food that is both brown and white.

HERBERT GRUBBOWSKI
STAFF BLOGGER AND SEAL PELT FINISHER

• I am thankful for my family … being over two hours away by car.
• I am thankful for my friend … notice I didn’t say “friends”.
• I am thankful for my health … is that mole on the back of my neck getting bigger?
• I am thankful for my wife,who still has a slight chance of being hot because I haven’t met her yet.
• I am thankful for the new variety show, “Rosie Live,” because someday it will be cancelled.
• I am thankful for literacy, without which I would not be able to express my thankfulness.

What are you thankful for?

We know the Mustached American people love their sports, as there is an irrevocable bond between athletics and lip sweaters that spans the ages.

This week AMI offers you a few options:

If you are looking to fill your weekly hoops fix or check out some completely unreliable picks for this week's NFL matchups, you can read Dr. Perlut's JoeSportsFan.com NBA column here, and his NFL picks round-up here.

If you dig the pucks, check out this piece on hockey mustaches from Yahoo's Puck Daddy blog.

And while this doesn't fall into the sports category, here is a interesting cultural piece about the mustache from the Toronto Globe & Mail. 

Carry on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We railed against CNN.com earlier but this piece is worth reading and was buried deep in the Entertainment section, not a top headline.

 

Holy court action! Can 'Dark Knight' beat Turkish mayor?

Thu November 13, 2008

(CNN) -- He's kerpowed the Joker and put the Penguin on ice, but Batman faces a new adversary -- the mayor of an oil-producing Turkish town.

Huseyin Kalkan, leader of the city of Batman in southeastern Turkey, plans to sue Christopher Nolan, director of the latest Batman movie "The Dark Knight," for taking its name without consultation," according to media reports.

"The royalty of the name 'Batman' belongs to us... There is only one Batman in the world, " Hurriyet Daily News.com reported Kalkan as telling the Dogan news agency. "The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

Kalkan, who represents the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party, added that he decided to take action after someone suggested that the cash-strapped community needed more funds.

"We found this criticism right and started to look for legal possibilities of a case like that," Hurriyet Daily News.com reported.

Batman, which has a population of just under 250,000, is the provincial capital of the oil-rich Batman Province and lies close to the Batman River.

In recent years it has been hit by a series of female suicides and features in the novel "Snow" by Nobel prize-winner Orhan Pamuk.

"The Dark Knight" movie is based on the Batman comic-book character created in 1939 by Bob Kane.

Released by Warner Bros -- a sister company to Turner Broadcasting System, which owns CNN -- during the summer, "The Dark Knight" has now taken just under $1 billion worldwide, according to box-office Web site boxofficemojo.com, including $528.7 million from domestic ticket sales and $469 million from international receipts.

The film is also scheduled for re-release in January as part of an awards season push, with focus especially on supporting actor Heath Ledger, who played Joker and who died earlier this year.

Local newspaper Batman Cagdas has reported that several former residents of Batman living in Germany have had problems registering their business -- but Kalkan says he has no knowledge of the claims.

Lawyer Vehbi Kahveci, head of the Intellectual and Industrial Property Rights Commission of the Istanbul Bar, told Hurriyet Daily News.com that the "Batman" name was registered worldwide.

He added that the town had missed the timeframe during which it could complain about any infringement of its name.

Warner Bros said that it was only aware of the action through the media and had yet to be presented with any legal papers.

Dr. Perlut's new completely worthless weekly NFL picks column is up at JoeSportsFan.com and you can read it here.

Carry on. 

 

 

We all understand that we have serious problems in America today. Indeed, the economy is crumbling, foreign nations loathe us, parts of New Orleans remain in shambles, the unemployment rate is skyrocketing, Lindsay Lohan is dating a female D.J., there are very few people of Mustached American descent in power, and I could go on. 

Of course, the media has its own issues. No one under the age of 30 picks up a newspaper, listens to terrestrial radio, or watches the national evening news any longer. And when you do tune in, you cannot escape the accounts of this misery seeping into every corner of society.

So as I was visiting my favorite news and information Web sites today - places like MSNBC.com, SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com, MulletsGalore.com or GotMidgets.com - I stopped by CNN.com as I do several times daily for my daily dose of unhappiness. In opening the page I scanned down about half-way through the top headlines and, as you can see above, read the following, "Oprah, Other Celebs Have Homes Near Fire." 

I thought to myself, "SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?"

Seriously? Freaking Oprah Winfrey, who owns the western half of the United States and three provinces in Cuba is CNN.com's biggest concern when more than 4,500 were ordered to evacuate as flames from the Tea Fire engulfing mansions and modest homes north of Los Angeles? The third graph of the story reads: "Oprah Winfrey and Rob Lowe are some of the celebrities with homes in the upscale, oceanside enclave of Montecito. It was not known if any celebrities' homes have been damaged."

Note to CNN: Who cares? Seriously. Who cares? We, the Mustached American people, do not.

It's not that I dislike Oprah or Rob Lowe. I don't. I actually like them both. But it just reminds me about how our culture has become so ridiculously obsessed with celebrity, to the point where top stories are dominated by the pregnancy of Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston being pissed at Jolie, or George Clooney saying he still loves being single, and Brad Pitt growing a mustache.....yeah....well..... 

But it sadly reminds me of another headline on CNN.com that ran in 2004 just after the devastating Tsunami in Indonesia a few years back. It read, "Celebrity Vacations Ruined by Tsunami." 

I kid you not.

Carry on.