AMI Administration

A rare moment of warmth from AMI

2009-01-28T15:22:00Z

It is rare that we here at AMI break from mustache campaigning and pause to enjoy the heart warming stories among us, but this one kind of stuck:

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn't possible.

He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary - - - he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children. Since then they have added two more kids.

So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona. If you tune in on 1 February, you can watch him quarterback the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Dating Tips

2009-01-24T14:09:00Z

CNN.com recently posted a story about what not to say while dating by Judy McGuire, who is from some chick-flick oriented online rag call The Frisky. The premise is that because of mediums like Facebook and online dating - commonly used by those who cannot find normal companionship outside of midget hunters - everyone knows everything about everybody and women need to be a bit more selective about what they divulge.

She begins, "Between the Internet, blogging, and social networking, the concept of courtship can seem pretty antiquated. Depending on how Web-present you are, with the push of a button a guy could potentially access everything from your videotaped colonic to your SAT scores to mortifying details of your most recent heartbreak. All this before you've even met him in real life."

Yes, great, swell.

Judy lays out a few worthless guidelines on dating, so as we are apt to do here at AMI, we'll compare and contrast her suggestions and the positions of the Mustached American people:

One-to-three dates

Judy: he doesn't need to know that your last boyfriend cheated on you with your sister... Ditto your struggle with eating disorders, your family's predisposition to certain kinds of cancers, or your puppy's gnarly digestive issues... He needs to impress you. Ask questions. Listen to his answers....The less you talk about yourself and the more questions you ask about them, the more intelligent men will think you are.

Mustached American: All we care about at this point is how you look, whether we think you'll put out later in the night, and if you like beer and meat. Sadly, though, we can size you up pretty easily. Our assumption is that you dig shopping, Sarah Jessica Parker and watching "Grey's Anatomy." You talk incessantly on your cell phone, you are obsessed with your weight, and indeed you should talk less about yourself and listen to our stories although that will not make us think you are remotely intelligent.

Two-to-three weeks

Judy: Unless you two are keeping things very casual, if he's been around for a few weeks, you're probably thinking that he has keeper potential. This is where you can let yourself be a little more vulnerable -- but don't give away the farm! -- and see how he reacts. If a guy is going to freak out because your Uncle Marco is serving a life sentence, now's the time to find out. Before you get too attached. However, don't jump the gun and start dropping L-bombs or giving him your ovulation schedule. Though it might feel like you've known him forever, you haven't. And you might not want to. Take it slow.

Mustached American: By this point if we have not bedded down, we are done. So the assumption is that you put out and conduct your bedside manner at a level we find acceptable. Keep in mind that we can tolerate beauty without output for about two-to-three days - maybe a week. But after that, all bets are off. We've also determined how high maintenance you are by that point, and if you are in the Sarah Jessica Parker camp (she indeed looks like a horse), we're probably out the door or planning to walk away very soon.

Three-to-six months

Judy: If you're a permanent-minded lady, this would be the time when you figure out whether or not he's h-h-h-husband material. Meaning, he doesn't bug the crap out of you. After a few months, you've seen each other through a minor crisis or two. You've heard him fart. He's seen you sick, runny-nosed and snotty, and he still thinks you're cute.

Mustached American: You heard me fart after date number one. And when you get sick, I go watch a ballgame with my boys. If I've decided to keep you around this long, you are tolerable in that you speak infrequently, cook well, you drink beer and eat meat, you appease my man needs upon request, and I can at least pretend you are Pam Anderson when the lights are off.

Carry on.

Move Super Bowl to Saturday

2009-01-22T19:33:00Z

On behalf of football fans everywhere, the American Mustache Institute asks the NFL move the pinnacle moment on America's sports calendar – the Super Bowl – from Sunday to Saturday. You can read and view our argument, and view a video supporting our position here, but let us explain in blog form.

Purists may argue it would be heretical to hold the Super Bowl on any day but Sunday, but it is hardly unprecedented to alter a sports tradition. To wit:

Major League Baseball's World Series was for decades a daytime event that has since been banished to a time-slot somewhere near Letterman and Leno so that 10-year-olds can't watch their heroes past the second inning.
Baseball added wild card teams, giving its playoffs a dimension that creates excitement for every fan (other than the mustache-deprived Bob Costas).
The time-honored names of several collegiate mascots have changed to respect the heritage of Native Americans.
The Super Bowl itself has survived the scheduling shift from being played exclusively on the last Sunday of January to occasionally on the first Sunday in February.
You are currently considering moving the Pro-Bowl to the bye-week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl.
And we have it on good authority that Barry Bonds will not be using steroids next season, one of the more revolutionary changes in sports over the past decade.

You may ask why the vaunted organization representing the rights of the mustached American would make such a request, and the answer lies in who we represent. You see, the mustached American is a varied breed. Where in the 1970s we were newsmen, politicians, and members of the Village People – today we are carpenters, steel workers, motocross riders, and the current line-up of the Village People.

In short, we are everyman.

And we love nothing more than our football – NFL football – which has been proudly represented by mustached Americans in Super Bowls from Joe Namath to Walter Payton to Jack Lambert to Mike Ditka to Doug Williams and the list goes on and on.

We believe great sports traditions can be altered if there is value in doing so. And indeed, a recently completed poll of heavily mustached restaurateurs, sports fans, non-sports fans, and one man from Mobile, Alabama claiming to be a "leprechaun" overwhelmingly suggests that there is not only support for holding the Super Bowl on Saturday, but that both the American culture and economy would benefit.

Consider:

Super Bowl parties would become grander events, providing more social interaction, which often gets left behind in today's hurried American society.
Party hosts would buy more food and beverages to accommodate a greater number of guests, thus benefiting grocery stores and other merchants.
More non-sports fans would attend these parties, enjoying greater social interaction with their friends, because they would no longer have to work the next day (with the exception of Christian clergy).
And without work the next day, hosts could relax a bit more, enjoy the game and good company of their guests, feeling less pressure to clean up that night.
If more non-football fans are watching, the networks gain more overall viewers, translating into their ability to charge more for advertising (think how much better $10 million commercials would be!).
Restaurants and bars may have a steady flow of business on Sunday nights, but just imagine the immense traffic and revenues from a truly Super Saturday.
Finally, consider the issue of workplace productivity. Employers won't have to deal with employees strolling in late for work because they stayed up late on Sunday night watching the Super Bowl.

Mustached Americans believe the premiere showcase of America's pastime would be well-served – as we believe would all of our bare-lipped brethren and the business community – to move the entrenched tradition that is the Super Bowl to Saturday.

Much like holding a playoff for the NCAA Division I college football national championship, it would seem like one of those changes that is such an obvious improvement you wonder why it's never been done before.

Carry on.

An Inaugural Mustache

2009-01-20T15:25:00Z

Whether you are a republican or democrat, today is an historic day in American history. To harken back to a blog posting written just after the November presidential election, for many Americans, especially if you are white, it is difficult to understand the significance of Barack Obama becoming the next President of the United States.

Since the election, we have seen many of the white television pundits speak to the immense sea change this signifies in American culture. But unless you are a minority who has lived through oppression or discrimination - like blacks in the U.S. who grew up in the Jim Crow South - one cannot truly comprehend the magnitude of the reality that the President Obama is a man of color.

Certainly many of us can only imagine what it was like to be a black student as southern schools went through integration in the 1960s. Think about being one of say 12 black children integrating into a high school of 500, or being called the "N" word as if it didn't matter, having to enter buildings through back doors, or having to use a bathroom or water fountain designated by color.

What is more amazing is that these conditions existed just 40 years ago, and sadly, racism still exists today in some sectors of American society. But as Washington Redskins linebacker London Fletcher told Sports Illustrated's Peter King for a "Monday Morning QB" column, "This changes the perception of how African-Americans are looked at by society, and also how African-Americans look at themselves. Did I really think I could be anything I wanted to be as a kid? Was it really possible? No, but for it to actually happen now is a great thing for our country.''

Indeed, Obama's election is a watershed moment in history - like when Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball, or akin to the pure elation that some East Germans must have felt when the Berlin Wall came tumbling down. And the election of Mr. Obama clearly serves as inspiration for the Mustached American people. We see hope that we can once again assume positions of leadership and respect as we attained in the 1970s.

Where once Mustached Americans were trusted White House aides, in the 1980s and 1990s we became relegated to nail technicians. Where once we were represented on television each evening by the most trusted man in the nation - Walter Cronkite - today we are lucky to be a radio meteorologist in Grand Junction, Colorado.

But things have changed for people of Mustached American descent - especially in 2008. President Obama's trusted aide David Axelrod and the president's choice for Attorney General (Eric Holder) have vaulted the lip curtain back into national politics. Brad Pitt and George Clooney are wearing mustaches. And Jason Giambi helped usher the greatness of cookie dusting back into baseball.

Yes, there are greater days ahead and I wish to lay out my intentions for the American Mustache Institute and the people of Mustached American descent we represent. Moving forward, we will:

Lobby President-elect Obama to grow a presidential mustache sometime during his first term to demonstrate solidarity with another disenfranchised group.
Continue our work in identifying Mustached Americans who can run for public offices as we work toward the day when we, too, can celebrate one of our own reaching the nation's highest office.
Continue to lobby Congress to ensure that Burt Reynolds birthday - February 11 - is made into a federal holiday.
Push for our annual event - 'Stache Bash - to evolve into the "Million Mustache March."
Battle the Beard Congress, who first lobbied and helped institute the Federal Mustache Tax Amendment in 1965 (which ironically was a ride on the National Voting Rights Act).
Work with local, state and federal governments to ensure that police recruits continue to be issued mustaches when joining law enforcement organizations. - Step up efforts to pressure corporate America to place Mustached Americans in executive roles.
Continue pressuring traditional and new media to highlight the challenges faced by Mustached Americans - such as the recent disgusting display by the Sylvania Township (Ohio) suspension of a Mustached American officer.
Reach across the aisle to the other facial hair lobbyists to pass tax credits for non-shavers. This has an economic benefit and green impact as it results in lower energy use and a decrease in hair-based landfills.

The election of Obama has the potential to change perceptions across all walks of American life, as there is nothing so great as empowering a group that has felt it has less of a stake in society. As Mustached Americans of all creeds, colors and inseam sizes, we know this feeling. Our dream of the election of a Mustached American president remains alive. Carry on my friends. Carry on indeed.

Weed - The Cure for the Economy

2008-12-04T16:52:00Z

People of Mustached American descent are hard working, innovative, typically overweight, and enjoy prostitutes. But our innovative spirit should never be eclipsed by these other fancies, as it has always defined our people, especially as we face a tough economic outlook both at home and abroad.

Now, one Mustached American has a thought on how to spur the U.S. economy.

In the 1930s, a decision was made that the Mustached American people have blessedly thanked since. You see, as a means to help bring us out of the Great Depression, Prohibition was lifted.

Our Mustached American friend at ReverseEvolution believes the U.S. should legalize marijuana, assuming it would have a similar impact as Prohibition: creating jobs, reducing crime, helping overweight women look better, and making people smile....a lot....all across the U.S.

He makes a relatively cogent argument, and you can read about it here.

Carry on.

Mustached Hoops & the Year of the Stache

2008-12-03T23:10:00Z

Brad Pitt's not the only homie pimping lip lettuce, albeit he is on the cover of Rolling Stone, which doesn't suck. But oh no....the esteemed Dr. Perlut has a new column up at JoeSportsFan.com. It focuses on NBA hoops, but of course, and distractions in sports. You can read it here.

Of possibly greater importance to you, the 13.85 readers of the AMI blog - if you want to read about some hardcore mustaches from NBA past and present, Dr. Perlut's piece links to this article from our friends at IntentionalFoul.com. It's a fine piece about great NBA cookie dusters.

Finally, we found it interesting that Huffington Post is calling 2008 the "Year of the Mustache." Certainly we appreciate the glory that is the return of the Labia Sebucula (Latin for "Lip Sweater") to pop culture, and reporter Anya Strzemien does a fine job in making her case - including giving AMI a citation towards the end.

Carry on.

Pitt goes mustache

2008-12-03T16:23:00Z

We're never big on celebrities who grow mustaches for convenience sakes, but when it's someone with the fame of Brad Pitt, who can have a significant impact on the state of Mustached Americans, we have to pay attention.

Pitt's currently filming a new Quintin Tarrantino film in Germany - the only country that loves mustaches more than Bulgaria. And as he is presumably playing a German, he's growing a mustache.

Not only is he on the cover of Rolling Stone with his Labia Sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"), but he told Larry King, who in fact remains alive, that he is standing up for mustached men everywhere. And then he old UsWeekly that he's working to bring the mustache back.

So let's be sure to support Brad and thank him if you see him.And while your at it - let him know that this shirt/tie combo (pictured at right) really doesn't work but that you appreciate the effort.

Carry on Brad Pitt. Carry on indeed.

An American Mustache In Iraq - Dec. 2, 2008

2008-12-02T14:30:00Z

Hello all!

Here's hoping you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Surreal seems to completely capture the experience I am having here in Iraq, so I would have to say it was very surreal to find myself enjoying Thanksgiving in Baghdad, Iraq. Ours was a little different than yours, I suspect. We began the day with an early morning mission into Shulla, just north of our FOB. We'd only learned the night before that we would have to hastily put this mission together as our LT needed pictures of businesses in that area that had receieved business grants courtesy of the USA for a slide presentation he had to put together. So, rather than sleep in and enjoy a nice Thanksgiving day breakfast, we threw on our gear and convoyed to Shulla.

It was a beautiful morning and sitting up in the gunner's turret the entire time, pulling security, I had time to reflect on all that I'm thankful for in my life. I watched the Iraqis in the area go about their business, some leading donkeys or herding sheep, others doing their shopping, or just meandering about and I couldn't help but think about how thankful I am to live in the greatest country in the world. (Our terp, Caster, did secure us some wonderful Iraqi bread freshly baked for breakfast).

It also dawned on me how fortunate I am to have my health, especially at 42 and performing a job most 20-year-olds are even struggling with. I have no illnesses, no aches and pains other than some occasional shoulder aches due to all this freakin armor we wear, and am fully competent in performing my duties. I'm thankful to have so many caring friends and family back home who write and have sent wonderful care packages to help make our living conditions here a little more tolerable. I'm thankful to serve with so many wonderful young people who do their jobs while knowing people are back home, safe and snuggled in their beds because they are over here serving. That fact is not lost on them. We have an all-volunteer military filled with intelligent, honorable people who do the job for a paltry wage and they do it with a positive attitude.

I'm also thankful for the experiences I've already been able to have, which most people will never be able to. I've met many wonderful people here from other countries, including Australians, Romanians and Ugandans. They all have very positive attitudes towards the good old USA, many of whom have either been or wish to go there. And, of course, there's the Iraqis I've met who are helping us to rebuild their country. They are thankful for our efforts to remove Saddam Hussein and to help them take back control of their country rather than just leave it in a mess, a leaderless vaccuum. In particular, those who risk their own lives helping us, our interpreters and contractors who are targets of the bad people who wish to see a free and democratic Iraq fail.

So, my Thanksgiving, while definitely out of the ordinary, was a good one. It put so much into perspective for me. Like everyone else here, I can't wait to get back home to my comfortable life and enjoy the freedoms we all get to enjoy. As Christmas approaches, I know some of you back home want to know if there's anything you can do to help us out. We really aren't lacking for anything. Of course, we love the care packages and letters and cards, it's always nice to receive mail. I suspect some 1st ID soldiers aren't getting much mail as they are young and might just have immediate family sending them stuff. Also, our own Lt. John Harris doesn't get much mail, either. So, if you want to send a Christmas package to a 1st ID soldier or our own beloved LT, feel free to send something to him directly at the address below, just put his name where mine is, or for a 1st ID soldier, wrap it and send it to my attention but be sure to include your name and address in the package so they can respond back to you.

We pretty much have no females here, maybe 5, so keep that in mind. Finally, Team Zombie is asking for a few Barbie Dolls and such for our wonderful interpreter's 2 daughters. Caster tells us they are age 6 and 12, like dolls and drawing with colors. Caster does so much for us and puts his life on the line every day when he goes out into the very neighborhoods where he lives and frequents.

Another request is for stuff for an 8-month-old baby girl, who is the sole daughter of Achmed, a nice young contractor who has already gone out of his way to bring us Iraqi pizza and such. He does all the contract work on the base and is an enterprising young man who always has a smile and cheerful greeting for me. I just think it would be nice to share our own good fortune with these two men whose families must also worry about them.

My "new" address, as the other ones still result in our mail winding up at HQ at FOB Liberty (mail seems to take one week to get here):

Sgt Jon Alvarez
CAB 1/18 Civil Affairs
2 H BCT 1st ID
FOB Justice
APO AE 09344

God Bless and Merry Christmas from a very quiet and peaceful Baghdad!

SGT Jon Alvarez, USAR
A Co 403rd CA BN
Team Zombie
FOB Justice, Iraq
www.MySpace.com/ILoveCNY

Relive 'Stache Bash 2008

2008-11-25T15:14:00Z

Come relive the ridicularity of 'Stache Bash 2008 with our annual event video that you can watch here.

Carry on.

Weekly NBA Fix

2008-11-24T19:42:00Z

With only three more days left of procrastinating real work until after the Thanksgiving holiday break, Dr. Perlut's weekly NBA column is up on JoeSportsFan.com and you can read it here. This week he highlights the Washington ~~Wizards~~Bullets, who fired its fine Mustached American coach Eddie Jordan on Monday and replaced him with another Mustached American, Ed Tapscott.

Carry on.

An American Mustache In Iraq - Nov. 21, 2008

2008-11-21T16:22:00Z

Good morning from Baghdad, where the weather has been nice and cool, 50's in the morning and 70's during the day. Things remain nice and quiet for us in our little AO (Area of Operation) as Team Zombie is finally settled in as we moved into our new office last week when we returned from FOB Liberty for five days of MRAP (Mine Resistant Armored Prtoection) vehicle training.Pretty cool vehicle, like driving an armored bus.

Our team has been occupied mostly with updating paperwork relative to applications for business grants from the various neighborhoods in our AO. Over the past 24 hours, Grandpa and I volunteered to participate in two walking presence patrols in Khadimya just outside our gate, both two hours long, one at night and yesterday afternoon. I haven't walked that much in full battle rattle since Basic and damn was my back feeling it! It was very cool, though. We saw so much of the area.

During the night patrol, the power went out on one street we were walking thru, definitely made for some jittery nerves. It was amazing to see so many people out and about, at the little shops along the way, mostly friendly and responsive to the general greeting "A Salaama Lakem" which means "Peace Be Upon You". We stopped at a nite club packed full of men on outdoor patios playing dominoes. Several hotels along the way appeared to be very nice, as the local shrine appears to be a big draw for Shia pilgrims visiting the area. The Iraqi Army and Police seem to have a good report with the populace as those interspersed amongst our patrol greeted many along the way and seemed to have very friendly relations with those we met along the way.

Funny story...during yesterday's daytime patrol thru the markets and around the shrine, several of the Iraqi Police walking with us wanted to trade equipment with me, kept asking my name, etc. all very cordial, but when one guy asked me what my name was, his buddy told me the guy's name was "Loogy", which I could easily remember as the English equivalent was a sort of spit, right? So I'm calling the cop "Loogy" during the patrol and he and his buddies were laughing. Finally, at the end of the patrol, one of the interpreters hears me and informs me that "Loogy" means "Ass-Kisser" in Arabic. So I tell him to tell the cop I really thought his name was "Loogy" and they all got a big laugh out of it.

The market area we walked thru yesterday was unbelievable, just packed with people and all sorts of goods from rich silks and carpets to gold and foods of all sorts. Just like anywhere, when security improves, business does as well and that was very evident yesterday. It was a very good patrol to participate in as we got to see so much up close and personal rather than in a Humvee driving thru. Attitudes were good and people again, seem to appreciate their freedom and like most of us, want to work and make a buck. It's too bad none of this gets reported back home. I have pics of the market and shrine, and Loogy, on myspace under "Khadimya Market and Shrine".

Yesterday I also discovered that Bowzer the puppy is alive and well, living in the back of the FOB with her (he's a she) siblings and getting nice and fat thanks to the 1st ID soldiers who have adopted them and named her "Wilber". Also, unsure if I'd shared this, but there's about 300 Ugandan soldiers on our post, responsible for perimter security and I have to say, they do a damn good job and pose quite the imposing figure. I always make a point of greeting them with the Ugandan "Aghandi" which means "How Are You" and occasionally a "Waybody" which means "Thank You". It's fun to get to know them and see them light up with a smile when they see a Joe actually trying to relate to them. Heck, the way I see it, they are doing a job that saves Joe from having to man that gate or watchtower at night and I appreciate them for it.

Chow has gotten a little better under the 1st ID now that they have taken control from the departing 502nd Airborne, who by now should be home and enjoying life stateside. The bacon is crispier, however, we are now short on cereal and other snack items. If anyone wants to send us stuff, Pickel has asked for Doritos and my request would be for Captain Crunch Berries. Unsure of Granpa and LT's requests, but they seem to enjoy anything we get as we all appreciate the baked goods we've receieved, especially the homemade fudge we receieved from the ever-wonderful folks at Madison Manufacturing in Hamilton! Just wonderful people there and everyone in the 403rd back at Liberty and here at Justice and the other FOBs want me to reiterate how thankful and appreciative we all are for the goodies already sent. Also, if anyone has kiddos at home or school who want a pen pal, there's plenty of Joes not getting mail who would probably love to have one, so just have them send a generic letter with a home or school address on it and I'll distribute. We'd also like hard candy and pens/pencils as that is the biggest request from Iraqi kids we meet. They appear to be well-fed and healthy, but are such beggars. They come up, shake hands with us and greet us, then say "Mister, Mister, you got chocolate" or ask for the pens in our sleeves. Too funny.

Well, that's about the latest and greatest from our quiet little spot in Baghdad. Will keep you posted as things progress. It hasn't even sunk in yet that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. We're just looking forward to the New Year, which means we're that much closer to getting back home.

God Bless!

Sgt Jon Alvarez
A Co 403rd CA BN
2 H BCT 1ID
FOB Justice
APO AE 09344
www.myspace.com/ILoveCNY

Giving Thanks in 2008

2008-11-21T15:16:00Z

Thanksgiving is upon us and as always, it's a time when we reflect upon what we, as Mustached Americans, are thanksful for. Generally, this is something we do with family and friends. But since you - the 17.6 readers of the American Mustache Institute blog - have become our family and friends in recent years, our faculty and administration would like to share what we are thankful for with you.

VIJOY RAO, CM
DIRECTOR, ADMINISTRATION, FINANCE & LEGAL AFFAIRS

I am thankful that AMI digital director Ron Heinz was at Stache Bash 08 in a red silk robe and didn’t even know it was a dress up party. That’s just how he rolls on Saturdays.
I am thankful that my wife’s job keeps her busy and distracted enough to not realize that she is way out of my league
I am thankful for my health and friends and caramel-esque browness.

PROF. ANTHONY ZAGORA
BOTANICAL MUSTACHEOLOGY STUDIES

I am thankful for tomorrow, because I get better looking every day.
I am thankful for Forrest Whitaker because he just keeps delivering incredible acting performance after performance.
I am thankful for the cheesemakers, for they shall make cheese.
I am thankful for every music critic that ripped apart the latest offering from the overrated Guns 'N Roses.

RYAN MCCLURE, ESQ.
STAFF NAIL TECHNICIAN

I’m thankful for the fact that I’m am not wearing a barrel (yet).
I’m thankful that Big League chew is still available in most respectable retail convenience-marts
I’m thankful that I don’t have to do much work on this blog, save for sending Dr. Froman some silly one-liners every once in while.
I’m thankful for adult onsies. ‘Nuff said.

DR. JOSHUA ROGERS
PROFESSOR OF NUCLEAR MUSTACHEOLOGY

I am thankful for:

Salted nut rolls.
The powerful, yet gentle voice of Christopher Cross.
Kidney beans in salad bars
Q-tips.
Antiperspirant that doesn’t discolor the underarms of my white t-shirts after extensive use.

ROBERT "BOBERT" JONES
DIRECTOR, FACILITIES

I am thankful for Steve Bartman.
I am thankful for the St. Louis Cardinals, Green Bay Packers, Indiana Hoosier men’s basketball, Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team, and the Indianapolis Colts.
I am thankful for fantasy football.
I am thankful that I have a job right now as the economy tumbles.
I am thankful for the sacrifices my parents made to provide me with opportunities I otherwise would not have had.
I am thankful ~~every f'ing time someone asks me if I’m a golfer when I introduce myself~~ for having a name that is a good conversation starter.

DR. DANIEL T. CALLAHAN, Ph.D., CM
DIRECTOR, RESEARCH

I'm just thankful to live in a country where:

Wally on "Leave it to Beaver" has a sculpture in the real Louvre, not the one created for the "Happy Days" episode.
A Superior, Wisconsin man collects twine from 1979 to today and CBS News would devote airtime to it.
Many victims of crimes neglect to put away their illegal drugs before calling police.
Our Presidential election causes professors to steal lawns signs, priests to withhold communion, the Republican vice presidential candidate to be hung in effigy in West Hollywood, and a grade school principal to write a poem dedicated to our new president based on the "Good Times" theme song.
A Florida teen gets 18 months in jail for casting his grandmother in a gangster rap video.
Tom Cruise believes he should stop at all accidents because he’s the only one that can really help.
While on a field trip to Chicago’s Field Museum, students from Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management vomit and spit on people and pass out in high-traffic areas.
Men are arrested for having sex with: a picnic table, a park bench and a car wash vacuum.
Madonna can continue touring the country scaring people.
Children of celebrities would provide so much joy and six-figure payments from important magazine publishers.
We will not have to hear Gary Glitter’s music until after he’s dead.

DR. ABRAHAM FROMAN, CM
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER

I am thankful for:

bacon, sausage, ham, pork loin, and sides of bacon.
the fact that 11.8 of 13 people I meet each day have a shared dislike for one Dave Navarro, who sucks.
for Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a horse and for having never seen, nor met any male who has seen, the "Sex & The City" movie.
for nasty dunks, ALF, anything starring Mr. T, and midgets.....just for being midgets.
for the musical stylings of Wierd Al Yankovic, who of course, is the brother of Leaping Lanny Poffo.

GERTRUDE WISEMAN
STAFF PSYCHOANALYST

I am thankful that wearing sunscreen and being pale is back in style.
I am thankful that when my car was broken into and ransacked on Tuesday night, there was nothing in it to take, except a cellphone charger, a quarter, and a package containing 20 boxes of alfredo-flavored Mac'n'Cheese I was supposed to have mailed to a friend earlier in the day.
I am thankful my parents and brothers are so awesome and am also thankful they haven't really realized this.
I am thankful I left North Dakota and found food that is not only brown or white; but I am also thankful that I moved all of the gear to make lefse, which happens to be a food that is both brown and white.

HERBERT GRUBBOWSKI
STAFF BLOGGER AND SEAL PELT FINISHER

I am thankful for my family … being over two hours away by car.
I am thankful for my friend … notice I didn’t say “friends”.
I am thankful for my health … is that mole on the back of my neck getting bigger?
I am thankful for my wife,who still has a slight chance of being hot because I haven’t met her yet.
I am thankful for the new variety show, “Rosie Live,” because someday it will be cancelled.
I am thankful for literacy, without which I would not be able to express my thankfulness.

What are you thankful for?

Weekly Sports Mustache

2008-11-20T15:33:00Z

We know the Mustached American people love their sports, as there is an irrevocable bond between athletics and lip sweaters that spans the ages.

This week AMI offers you a few options:

If you are looking to fill your weekly hoops fix or check out some completely unreliable picks for this week's NFL matchups, you can read Dr. Perlut's JoeSportsFan.com NBA column here, and his NFL picks round-up here.

If you dig the pucks, check out this piece on hockey mustaches from Yahoo's Puck Daddy blog.

And while this doesn't fall into the sports category, here is a interesting cultural piece about the mustache from the Toronto Globe & Mail.

Carry on.

Bacon Now Protects iPhones

2008-11-17T15:26:00Z

Apollo's Mustache - The Oprah Encounter

2008-11-17T14:39:00Z