AMI Administration

Navarro Indeed Sucks

2008-08-29T01:23:00Z

The 23.8 readers of the AMI blog understand our feelings on Dave Navarro. Whether is was our account of our initial interview with Navarro, or when we lambasted a poor, young scribe who wished to make her mark in journalism by writing a sweetheart of a story about Chump Bait - even though she knew he is pathetic.

We've been pretty clear.

And now comes this - a new video about Navarro and his pathetic goatee posted by a pretty solid sounding band called The Bugs.

So cheers to The Bugs, who we think are also responsible for this, and never forget what AMI always warns our friends via e-mail:

That mustaches should be worn at the individual's own risk, and AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro.
If your mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro.

Carry on.

Surprises on menu at Democratic Convention

2008-08-28T15:35:00Z

Shocking developments as America watches the dreadfully boring Democratic Convention this week in Denver.

Both those merry, eager-to-hug-one-another liberals in attendance at the convention – or those attempting to watch on the television without shooting themselves – sat with disbelief as former President Bill Clinton declared Barack Obama "ready to be president of the United States" on Wednesday.

“I was pretty certain President Clinton planned to support McCain or (Libertarian candidate) Barr,” AMI Chairman Emeritus Jay Della Valle told his nuclear mustacheology class early today. “At least Barr is the first mustached American candidate since Tom Dewey in 1948. To me, that’s something worth voting for. I mean, Obama? What does he represent?”

After months of attacks from Hillary Clinton supporters on Obama’s lack of experience, President Clinton himself was among the most outspoken proponents of that line of criticism of Obama. But on Wednesday he reversed himself – something almost never seen in politics – pointing out that Republicans had used the same line of attack against him when he first ran for president.

“That, yes, was a shocker for me,” said Edgar Portofino, a Bolivian exchange student in Della Valle’s 10:30 a.m. class. “In Bolivia, we no change positions. If someone need be shot – we shoot them. If need be caressed, then we caress and hold them. Very simple.”

Sen. Joe Biden unexpectedly hammered Republican presidential candidate John McCain as he accepted the Democratic nomination for vice president Wednesday, sending shock-waves throughout the crowd. Biden rattled off a list of McCain's positions on issues ranging from sitting, standing, to active and sleeping, repeatedly saying, "That's not change; that's more of the same."

Almost as unusual as being stabbed in the back by a co-worker. But that never happens.

With Obama scheduled to speak tonight, more unexpected developments should come.

Carry on.

Jobs for the Mustached American

2008-08-27T18:44:00Z

Our friends at CNN.com have a story on the site penned by Rachel Zupek of CareerBuilder.com. It’s called “15 Jobs that Pay $70,000 per year,” and it’s a tale of jobs that don’t require a Ph.D. or at least 10 years experience, which to the Mustached American, would seem like low-hanging fruit.

The challenge, however, for the Mustached American, as AMI Research Director Dr. Daniel T. Callahan presciently notes in his bio on the AMI site, is that our kind are often not welcome.

After receiving his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin's Tonsorial Studies Department, Dr. Callahan worked in academia, but only as janitorial staff and a figure model at several colleges.

"These were the dark days to be a mustached American," he writes. "It was not unusual to see 'mustaches need not apply' signs at many employers."

Dark days indeed.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, while the average full-time worker's salary is $33,634 in the United States, the average Mustached American salary is $29,980.07. The discrepancy is disheartening.

Zupek analyzed 15 jobs that earn near $70,000 and are expected to increase in demand between now and 2016. Each requires various levels of experience, facial hair, and education. We have earmarked six of these for thorough consideration to determine whether Mustached Americans can, in fact, earn in excess of $29,980.07.

Nuclear power reactor operator ($70,410) – It has been clearly demonstrated that a mustache is nearly as powerful as nuclear fuel itself. Therefore, reason would have it that the Mustached American can be placed in charge of a fuel that can melt a dwarf at 17 paces, especially when our facial hair can do so at 19 paces.

Management analyst ($70,990) – This is not a good fit. Certainly we are able to analyze management, but not necessarily to manage analysis. And there is a clear distinction.

First-line supervisor/manager of police and detectives ($72,620) – Boom! Sweet spot baby! Along with weapons, uniforms, and badges, police recruits are issued mustaches upon entering the force. There is no better fit. And don't forget - never, ever trust a bare-lipped police officer, and if approached by one, call 911 and drive as quickly as possible to your nearest Police Station where you will be welcomed by throngs of cookie dustered constables.

Advertising and promotions manager ($73,666) – Losers - all of them. Can’t happen. Never in a million years. That profession will not tolerate a Mustached American….

Education administrator, post-secondary ($75,780) – As part of a settlement in U.S. vs. Fishbine, Mustached Americans can no longer teach children under the age of 23 unless accompanied by an adult without facial hair, which we believe is unconstitutional.

Veterinarian ($79,368) – Mustached American don’t treat, we eat.

Carry on.

Mike Schmidt speaks to AMI

2008-08-25T14:27:00Z

The great Major League Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is the subject of the most recent AMI Monthly Interview. You can listen here.

World Mustache News

2008-08-24T21:05:00Z

Croatia/China: What could possibly be better than ultra-fit, hairless-bodied, Olympic water polo players with mustaches? My mind cannot comprehend anything more amazing.

"We came to an idea to do something special, that will be only ours," Croatia's Maro Jokovic told the AP. "And we agreed because we are a team, we fight for each other and we die for each other, and we wanted to do something not so usual among other teams."

Bravo! Too bad this hairy tribute to former Olympic coach Ratko Rudic did not prevent them from being beaten 7-5 by the US on Saturday and upset 9-11 by Spain on Sunday. If I could give out a medal for winning my heart, this team would have it.

I am indeed delighted and will be obsessing over these chaps for the next month or so.

Nepal: As metrosexuality spreads, Nepal is rapidly becoming a society without mustaches. Once passed down from one generation to the next as a sign of masculinity, the mustache is being wiped from the face of men who now find it fashionable to be clean-shaven. This is a new trend that started in urban areas, driven by women who claim their men look younger and more handsome without facial hair.

India: Hindu men have long been mustached because of a long-held belief that they should not shave their mustaches so long as their parents are alive. Alas, in the modern day, some prefer bare upper lip and no longer see any correlation between their mustaches and their parents’ lives or longevity. A poll of men of Indian heritage, ages 25-25, born in the US and/or raised, found that they are glad to see their brothers in the homeland finally emerging from the 1980s.

Turkey: In a response to so-called ‘European Union standards’, bus drivers in Turkey have been forbidden to have mustaches by Metro Tourism, one of Turkey’s biggest transportation companies. Read the entire story from Turkish Daily News.

Italy (see also: New Jersey): Men are so into their mustaches that they’ve made a mustache comb pendant chic. Get yours here.

Mustache and the man: The death of Gene Upshaw

2008-08-22T20:50:00Z

The publicity around the death of Gene Upshaw ignored one of the most interesting aspects of his life: he had one of the most enduring mustaches in all sports. Twenty-eight years since his participation in the Super Bowl with the winners, the Oakland Raiders, Upshaw's gray mustache was like the man himself, physically a shadow of the once proud 'stache he sported, but a reminder of the power and intelligence of a man who reached a height few could ever have predicted.

Upshaw's life was a classic American tale.

After a successful football career, he used exceptional political skills to recreate himself as a labor leader, and, from the most humble of southern roots, he lead the NFL Players Association, a union at the center of America's most popular sport.

His mustache was of another era, one where players cultivated an outlaw image that was not always ready for prime time. The circumstances of his death - he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Sunday and died days later - have left that union scrambling.

In addition, there was controversy to his career. When confronted about pension and health care benefits for retired players, he cracked: "I don't work for them. They are not union members and they have no vote."

Many of those players were Mustached Americans who felt they had been forgotten as the active players grew rich. Mustached greats Mike Ditka and D1ck Butkus have lead the way in challenging current players and owners to take care of the men, many of them once household names, who are now in desparate need of health care benefits.

So, many older players are not as generous in their assessment of Upshaw. Sam Huff told the New York Times: "You want to feel sorrier than you do. It’s a mixed feeling that I have today."

Huff, it should be noted, does not have a mustache.

Dumb Jock Quotes

2008-08-21T17:53:00Z

We offer some classic quotes from athletes courtesy of The Bleacher Report:

20. "I've been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak. The good part is that they don't make posters of those guys"—Houston Rockets’ Walt Williams.

19. "I enjoyed The Luge."—Michael Jordan on the Paris museum.

18. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

17. “Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.”—David Thompson.

16. New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

15. "I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."—Muhammad Ali.

14. “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years ”—Baseballer player Mike Cameron.

13. "The game was closer than the score indicated"—Baseball player Dizzy Dean, after a 1-0 game.

12. Shaquille O'Neal: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

11. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.”—Basketball player Sherman Douglas.

10. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."—baseball player Carl Everett.

9. "Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there."—Rickey Henderson on reports that 50 percent of ballplayers use steroids.

8. "Because there are no fours."—NBA long-range gunner Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many threes.

7. “I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.”—David Beckham, asked if he was a “volatile” player.

6. "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."—N.C. St. basketball player Charles Shackleford.

5. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.”—Pitcher Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.

4. “They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”—Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.

3. Shaquille O'Neal: "I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I'm very intelligent when I speak."

2. "Like they say, it ain't over til the fat guy swings."—Phillies catcher Darren Daulton on stocky first baseman John Kruk.

1. “We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.”—Basketball player Weldon Drew.

'Stache Bash Tickets on Sale

2008-08-20T21:39:00Z

The buzz is growing as tickets for AMI's annual 'Stache Bash are now on sale and can be bought here. Advance tickets are $20 versus $25 at the door.

The price includes live music; an open bar with beer, wine, and maybe some Captain Morgan's if they give us some loot; plus a $5 gaming coupon for the casino, an act of fire-eating performers, free concert tickets and other stuff from 105.7 The Point, and a good looking fake mustache (can any mustache look bad?).

You can also see AMI discuss the event during this recent state of the union news conference.

E-mail AMI at info@AmericanMustacheInstitute.org, call 877-STACHE-1, or phone the Crab Lice Hotline.

Carry on.

Joe Dan Dockrey - Real Man of Genius

2008-08-19T18:46:00Z

A communique from AMI member Joe Dan Dockrey (yes, that's his real name):

To My Gods @ AMI,

As a man grows up in life and ~~learns~~ how to masturbate figures out who he is, through trials and tribulations, he arrives at a final understanding of his reason for living. Many men realize that they were meant to go out and change things for the better, to create a family to carry on their family line, or to sell bratwursts in a cart outside of a Golds Gym next to a homeless guy name Hayseed.

Nonetheless, we all have found a good dime bag of weed our calling in life and are determined to show the world what we are meant to do in order to fulfill a life's ambition. We are to grow a glorious mustache and wear the lip sweater with passion and pride. It is understood by all that a mustache should only be worn correctly if you intend to use it wisely and never let it go to waste.

It is with my great pleasure that I announce my womb-broom wearing amigos and I will be representing all mustached Americans by flying a 24-foot ~~sausage~~ mustache off a 25-foot cliff into Lake Michigan in Chicago at the the Redbull Flugtag.

The National Herpes Congress Flutag has invited my team of blind dwarfs to go head-to-head with 20 or more other teams in order to fly our craft further than ever before. Using space-age materials,smoking lots of crack and nothing but a twirl of the 'stache and a hard look to judge all measurements, we are destined to go into the local jail where we will be raped by large men history books.

We will be ~~drinking straight scotch~~ launching September 6 in Chicago at North Avenue Beach with the intention of bringing a tear to the eye of every mustache-toting cop, fireman, cowboy, juvenile delinquent, facial hair equestrian, or anyone still living in the '70's.

Be sure to say your prayers to a mustache-wearing Jesus (yeah, like he really exists), because we are going to win it all in Chicago 2008.

With Love And a Lip Full of Power,

Joe Dan Dockrey
jdockrey@gmail.com

Bravery

2008-08-19T17:06:00Z

Anyone who is familiar with AMI knows that we have often been called by historians the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. Military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets. And in the past, we've brought you stories about brave friends of ours, who have fought cancer and other challenges, as well as tales of our daring exploits to fight those who oppress the race of Mustached Americans.

Every once in a while, however, we are reminded that there is more to life than mustaches, beer, triple bacon cheeseburgers, and our hatred for Dave Navarro, who is worthless. Not much more to life - but there is more.

And whether you like his politics or not, today, this CNN.com story about John McCain's time spent in captivity in Vietnam was such a reminder.

Carry on.

The backyard Olympics

2008-08-19T13:58:00Z

So, I'm watching the Olympics last night and on comes the finals of Women's Trampoline. I'm looking for the hidden camera to do the doubletake into.

Women's Trampoline? What's next, the semifinals of Men's Slip-N-Slide? Did the countries who participate buy their equipment at Sam's Club and are there countries whose cheapskate dads wouldn't let them buy them because they thought they weren't "safe."

And didn't the Man Show do all this a few years ago?

This could be part of a trend away from the sweaty urban sports like boxing and bicycling, toward cleaner sports that involve expensive training and equipment, allowing first world countries to keep their lead over the countries whose dads won't buy them a pool. We could combine the two disciiplines and feature events like the much-maligned Jarts and desperate games of Whiffleball?

Start training, suburbanites. Your time is about to come.

Our bare lipped friends

2008-08-18T17:46:00Z

Do you remember the scene in the film version of Spike Lee's "Malcolm X" where Mr. X is walking into a college building and a white girl asks him a question? The young female collegian asks Denzel Washington, playing General X, if she could help his movement. He solemnly looked at her and said, "No." And kept walking.

Well, we at AMI feel a bit differently.

Despite being put down and oppressed by bare-lipped weaklings for nearly half century, we accept the support and love of those without mustaches. And one of our favorites - a supporter from the very beginning - has been the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg, who writes the always entertaining "D.C. Sports Bog."

Dan is currently covering the Olympic Games in Beijing, and when he returns, we'll be continuing our fine tradition of outstanding Monthly Interviews with Dan. But until then, we'll just have to bask in his greatness as he reports about the stories that matter......like this one he sent us today that he said was inspired by AMI.

We hope you enjoy it as we did, and be sure to support Dan and continue to read the Sports Bog.

Carry on.

How to Get a Date

2008-08-14T18:17:00Z

When you're nearly middle-aged, hopelessly single, tragically bare-lipped, and sadly spend more of your free time writing on mustache blogs than on dates, you'll take all the advice on meeting the ladies you can get.

If you're like me, and every day that slips through your fingers makes you grow incrementally fearful of dying alone in a bed of some wretched government nursing home in a pile of your own filth, having no one to attend your funeral, and being buried in a cheap pine box deep within an abandoned coal mine, you might want to check out the following helpful pointers on meeting that special someone to share your life with.

They're brought to you by the fabulous "Foxy Festivities" gals Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri. You remember them, don't you? Their blog, which focuses on a variety of subjects from social trends to the culinary arts, is emerging as must-read material for the inherently barbarian male, mustached or otherwise.

The piece below, entitled "5 Ways to Amp Up Your Single Sex Appeal", offers some helpful tips on how to attract that special someone (and cling onto them for dear life).

Admittedly, their suggestions can at times prove a bit confusing or unclear, so I've added some clarifications and observations (in italics) that should no doubt enhance the benefit you'll receive from the gals' words of wisdom. Enjoy.

Put Yourself Out There - If you're single and looking for someone special, start by RSVP'ing yes to any and all social invitations. The further they are outside your usual circle of buddies, the better. Any gathering -- weddings and co-ed showers to dinner parties, barbecues, or even after-work drinks -- can be a great place to land a date.

(As a general rule, the more desperate you appear to be invited to parties, the more it seems like you have no friends of your own, the more women will flock to you. Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers"? Those guys got all kinds of tail. If all else fails, start inviting yourself to gatherings. Private party room? Not anymore. What's going on, new friends!! So...who wants to go on a date with me?)

Body Language - Unspoken cues are crucial. Check yourself every so often to make sure you're not sending out a "don't come near me" vibe. You want to communicate that you're friendly and open to conversation. It may sound silly, but these details make all the difference:

- Keep your arms uncrossed. (In addition, put down any crucifixes you might be holding up.)

- Maintain a relaxed, casual stance. (Preferably a good solid three-point stance, such as that of a defensive end. Make sure all the weight is on the balls of your feet, so that you can dart quickly to the left or right when all the women overcome with lust inevitably try to bum rush you.)

- Try keeping a subtle smile on your lips (If you're not smiling at all times, everyone will know you're a sour puss. And then who's gonna love you? Not me. Is that what you want? Well...is it?)

- Make eye contact. Lots of it. Being so inviting to someone you don't know can feel strange, but it's the only way to find out if you want to know them. (Yes, so much eye contact to the point where it feels strange. Sounds about right. Let your piercing stare burn a hole in her blouse. If she hasn't called security by now, you're in like Flynn.)

Opening Lines - Now comes the tricky part, how to introduce yourself. Simple conversation starters that don't feel cheesy (or too obvious) include:

- How do you know so-and-so (the host)?

(I don't know who this "so-and-so" is, but it is obvious that he could be your primary competition for the girl in question. Badmouth him at every opportunity. Also, demonstrate your physical superiority to this "so-and-so" by lifting heavy objects right in front of her.)

- Or at a buffet, "Have you tried the pasta? How is it?"

(Or perhaps a subtle joke in this situation to break the ice like, "So...looks like you're back for thirds already, huh? I'm surprised they haven't run out of plates by now. I'm just kidding, you're gorgeous." Remember, people like self-deprecating humor, especially when it's at their expense.)

Don't make the mistake of being loud to attract attention (even a loud laugh can be downright annoying). Part of the trick is to be a bit restrained, yet alluring.

(Mumbling paranoid nonsense to yourself in the corner or making soft purring sounds like a kitten will surely grab the girls' attention, but in a very subtle and alluring way, which is desirable. After all my friend, the days of clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to the cave are nearly over, aren't they?)

Escape Plan - It's easier to start up a conversation when you know you have the power to end it at any time. Simple ways to politely walk away from someone you aren't vibing with include:

- "Forgive me, it's been nice to talk with you but a friend of mine, who I haven't seen in ages, just walked in..."

(...over there, by the stage next to the dance floor. No, on the other side, behind the speakers. You can't see him right now, but trust me, he's over there. Well, I hope that thing you're getting checked out comes back negative. It's been real. Peace out.)

- "If you'll excuse me, I have to run to the restroom..."

(Just to be safe, you might try this addendum, "...I have abhorrent diarhea and hemorrhoids that just won't quit. Tell everyone not to go near the mens room from for at least 15 minutes. And please, pray for me, won't you?")

- Grab your cell phone and say, "I'm sorry, I'm getting a call..." (Your phone could be on silent or vibrate, they'll never know.)

(If you don't own a cell phone, instead grab a bread roll from the nearest table and pretend it's your phone. Not only will she think you're important because you're taking phone calls in public on your fancy bread phone, she'll also likely think you're insane.)

Kindness is good karma. You never know when that cute guy or girl you've been eyeing may be watching your interaction; you don't want to come off as uncaring.

(Yelling "FIRE!!!" is also an option. You don't want to seem uncaring, but being a dishonest lying snob is apparently perfectly okay with the "Foxy" gals though.)

Dress To Devastate - Seems obvious, but no matter how casual the event, slip on something that makes you feel your best. (You never know who you'll run into at the appetizer table.) And always opt for something that's sexy but not trying to hard.

For girls, that could mean:

- a sophisticated wrap dress and funky wedge heels. (A wrap with wedges? Makes me think of the KFC Twister combo meal. Mmmmm...Twister.)

- a flirty skirt and tank top with flats. (With a big pocket on the front of the skirt that reads, "Insert Cab Fare Here".)

- flared slacks and an off-the-shoulder top with strappy sandals. (Yeah, and why don't you just not shave your armpits while you're at it, you damn dirty hippy!? If I wanted to date a gypsy, I'd join the circus.)

- dark bootcut jeans with a feminine blouse and pointed toe pumps. (I have no idea what any of these things are. In fact, I'm probably going to stare at whatever parts of your body aren't covered by clothes anyway, so it seems like a waste of time to put all this effort into your wardrobe. Let's face facts, if you're even semi-attractive and you showed up wearing an oversized bag of Domino Sugar it wouldn't make any difference to me.)

Guys:

- Try a sharp looking button-down (in linen or a crisp cotton) and dark flat-front slacks with classic-but-cool leather shoes. (Yeah, I want to look like I came straight out of a damn Dockers commerical (mumblety peg with darts!!) Why don't I just change my name to "Chad" or "Todd" while I'm at it?)

- For a more laid-back gathering, jeans and a long sleeve tee, with black or brown suede sneakers. (Whatever. Nothing says "casual sex appeal" quite like a half-shirt and cut-off jean shorts. Or perhaps you might want to try something like this.)

Scentiments - Finally, if you wear fragrance, keep it very light so you don't overpower the room. You wouldn't want to meet someone you really like, spark a good conversation, and then spark up their allergies, too.

(First of all, allergies are a sign of genetic weakness. Any woman with allergies will give birth to weak offspring, and thus, should be avoided like the plague.

Secondly, Brute Deodorant Spray is always a good option. It says, "I'm consistent, like a rock. I haven't updated my grooming routine from what my father taught me in junior high, and I never will. In fact, the day they stop making Brute is the day I go back to not using deodorant.")

Yes, if you just follow these simple suggestions, you won't have to worry about being buried in a pine box anymore. You can get real casket when you die, like normal people. Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Bernie Mac and the death of the Black sitcom

2008-08-13T21:46:00Z

We were greatly saddened at the American Mustache Institute to learn of the death of Bernie Mac, a king among mustached Americans. Like many African Americans, he continued the tradition of the a mustache and facial hair even as it fell out of favor in the white community in the 1980s.

His death highlights a trend -- the decline of the Black sitcom. Since the heyday in the '70s and '80s, when beacons of comedy like "Good Times, "Sanford and Son" and other sitcoms ruled the airwaves (we particularly favor St. Louis's own Redd Foxx). And later on the WB and others, the Black sitcom has nearly disappeared. Bernie's show was one of the standouts of the '90s and, while black comedy was dumbed down a lot for TV, it was a link to a culture that truly loves to laugh through thick and thin. And, if you ever heard one of Bernie's uncensored routines, he was very, very funny, and truly a product of a tough part of Chicago.

The demise of the black sitcom may have to do with historic under-counting of black TV audiences. Or maybe it's the mustaches that scared network execs.

There is some good news here. Cleveland from "Family Guy," who subscribes to "Grape Soda Today," is getting his own sitcom on Fox. Okay, he's voiced by a white guy, but it's a start, isn't it?

In the meantime, we say so long to Mac, dead way too young.

For more about this issue, check out a pretty in-depth blog here.

John Edwards - We Told You So

2008-08-09T12:48:00Z

So the big hubbub on Friday was the stunning, stunning announcement that former U.S. Senator and presidential wanna-be John Edwards had an extramarital affair with some tramp who was apparently also taken behind the wood-shed by half of his campaign staff.

We had to read endless Twitter comments and other online thoughts about how disappointed people are in Johnny Cute-Locks. But only one word comes to the collective mustaches and minds of the staff and administration here at AMI: Shock!

Let us take you back to a blog posting from AMI in January of 2008, written after Edwards suffered a crippling defeat in the Nevada primaries. We told you that John-John, sitting in curlers despite fostering a hairweave and one of those stupid signet rings worn by more than 90 percent of the male populace of Raleigh, N.C., was courting his friend Rusty in a Las Vegas gentleman's club.

Add this episode to his most recent admission, and what this tells us is that John is just a guy. He dips his pen in the company ink (the gal was working for him). He's simply no better than any other scrub. And clearly, Edwards is not a mustached American, as if he was, only his drinking buddies and a collection of trolls living under a bridge in Cleveland would have learned of any of his trysts.

So in short, what does this tell you about the fine reporting skills of the crack AMI news team? Well, we don't like to gloat, flash our arrogance, demonstrate superiority, or just rub people's noses in what we told you nine freaking months ago.

Carry on.

*on an unrelated note, 'Stache Bash 2008 is upcoming on Oct. 25. Learn more here.