CNN.com recently posted a story about what not to say while dating by Judy McGuire, who is from some chick-flick oriented online rag call The Frisky. The premise is that because of mediums like Facebook and online dating - commonly used by those who cannot find normal companionship outside of midget hunters - everyone knows everything about everybody and women need to be a bit more selective about what they divulge.

She begins, "Between the Internet, blogging, and social networking, the concept of courtship can seem pretty antiquated. Depending on how Web-present you are, with the push of a button a guy could potentially access everything from your videotaped colonic to your SAT scores to mortifying details of your most recent heartbreak. All this before you've even met him in real life."

Yes, great, swell.

Judy lays out a few worthless guidelines on dating, so as we are apt to do here at AMI, we'll compare and contrast her suggestions and the positions of the Mustached American people:

One-to-three dates

Judy: he doesn't need to know that your last boyfriend cheated on you with your sister... Ditto your struggle with eating disorders, your family's predisposition to certain kinds of cancers, or your puppy's gnarly digestive issues... He needs to impress you. Ask questions. Listen to his answers....The less you talk about yourself and the more questions you ask about them, the more intelligent men will think you are.

Mustached American: All we care about at this point is how you look, whether we think you'll put out later in the night, and if you like beer and meat. Sadly, though, we can size you up pretty easily. Our assumption is that you dig shopping, Sarah Jessica Parker and watching "Grey's Anatomy." You talk incessantly on your cell phone, you are obsessed with your weight, and indeed you should talk less about yourself and listen to our stories although that will not make us think you are remotely intelligent.

Two-to-three weeks

Judy: Unless you two are keeping things very casual, if he's been around for a few weeks, you're probably thinking that he has keeper potential. This is where you can let yourself be a little more vulnerable -- but don't give away the farm! -- and see how he reacts. If a guy is going to freak out because your Uncle Marco is serving a life sentence, now's the time to find out. Before you get too attached.  However, don't jump the gun and start dropping L-bombs or giving him your ovulation schedule. Though it might feel like you've known him forever, you haven't. And you might not want to. Take it slow.

Mustached American: By this point if we have not bedded down, we are done. So the assumption is that you put out and conduct your bedside manner at a level we find acceptable. Keep in mind that we can tolerate beauty without output for about two-to-three days - maybe a week. But after that, all bets are off. We've also determined how high maintenance you are by that point, and if you are in the Sarah Jessica Parker camp (she indeed looks like a horse), we're probably out the door or planning to walk away very soon.

Three-to-six months

Judy: If you're a permanent-minded lady, this would be the time when you figure out whether or not he's h-h-h-husband material. Meaning, he doesn't bug the crap out of you. After a few months, you've seen each other through a minor crisis or two. You've heard him fart. He's seen you sick, runny-nosed and snotty, and he still thinks you're cute.

Mustached American: You heard me fart after date number one. And when you get sick, I go watch a ballgame with my boys. If I've decided to keep you around this long, you are tolerable in that you speak infrequently, cook well, you drink beer and eat meat, you appease my man needs upon request, and I can at least pretend you are Pam Anderson when the lights are off.

Carry on.