With the culmination of yet another ugly presidential election tomorrow, three members of the AMI's administration and faculty have initated write-in campaigns: Vijoy Rao, Prof. Anthony Zagora, and Ryan McClure, Esq.
Despite records filled with convictions for felonious assault and mopery charges, the trio has launched this unnecessary and hateful YouTube video campaign attacking one another, and last night conducted an online debate, the results of which have been posted below:
Moderator: Gentlemen, thank you for joining here today on the campus of the American Mustache Institute in St. Louis. You'll have 30 seconds to respond to each retort, gesture, or gastric imbalance. Mr. Zagora, you have won the right to begin as you properly guess that actor Paul Fusco was indeed the voice of 1980s sitcom star ALF.
Zagora: Frankly, I just don’t think that Ryan is fit to lead. He’s soft on terror (he dressed up as Winnie the Pooh for Halloween), he’s soft on crime (he doesn’t even own a semi-automatic weapon or at least I’ve never heard him talk about it), and he still won’t talk about the details of his healthcare plan. Besides, Ryan, isn’t it true that you’ve been driving around in a silver Saturn for years? Way to support the American auto industry by driving a car built on another planet. Saturn is a gaseous planet. How can they even build cars? Huh, Ryan, how can they even build cars?
McClure: In regard to Mr. Zagora’s attack on my choice of vehicle, I’ll just say this……he drives a Vibe. A Vibe ladies and gentleman. Not to mention that he drove his own Saturn off a cliff in a bizarre Muppet incident about which I will spare the American people the grizzly details. Mr. Zagora’s attacks are clearly an attempt to distract the American people from my stance on the REAL issues. I’ve said from day one that my main goal is to get Chevy Chase back into feature films making stellar celluloid classics like “Cops and Robertsons."
Rao: Look yo. Saturn’s scream “AMERICA” and “Zagora” screams commie pinko. The reality is that I can offer a plan to rid this nation of unnecessary and un-American reduction surgeries and that’s what we really need. Can I get a holla?
Zagora: I demand an apology for the commie pinko remark! That is offensive to the hard working pink communist Americans across this great nation. Ladies and gentleman, this is exactly the kind of negative campaigning that our country is sick of. These two a-holes are just friggin a-holes and we’re not gonna take the negative campaign tactics from a bunch of frigging, no good a-holes anymore. You’d never catch me name calling on the campaign trail. No sir, it’s just not my style.
McClure: Mr. Zagora just called me an a-hole and I am upset that Mr. Rao is not admonishing and rebuking that comment. Mr. Rao, I demand you apologize for what Mr. Zagora just said to me!
Rao: Maybe brutha's got a point my man. Look, we are not here to nit-pick about cars, names, Wheach beer - which is for losers - and grown men who weigh like 78 pounds. We are here to discuss the real issues and I aint hearing it, yo.
Zagora: Finally, my opponent wants to talk about the issues! It’s about time. You want to talk about the real issues? Here’s one, I have a REAL issue with your stupid effing face. Eff it, I’m taking my campaign and I’m going home!
McClure: You can’t take your campaign and go home. I’m taking MY campaign and going home. In fact, I’ve got a Lego Death Star I need to complete and this stupid campaign is keeping me from it. I hate this campaign and I hate all of you.
Moderator: Well, on that happy note -- Mr. Rao, Mr. McClure, Professor Zagora -- thank you for wasting all of our collective time.