My friends, are you tired of boring presidential debates that seem to drone on for hours, annoyingly preempting what everyone knows is the greatest source of entertainment in the world - the new CBS fall primetime network lineup? My friends, are you tired of the same old questions being presented in the same old formats?

My friends, are you tired of hearing the phrase "my friends?"

If your answer to these questions is a resounding “maybe” or  “what’s a debate?”, then I humbly submit for your perusal a list of suggestions for spicing up the presidential debates the next time around.

1. First and foremost, let’s get this one out of the way.  The phrase “my friends” should never be uttered by any candidate at any other debate ever again for the rest of our country’s existence, which judging by the state of our economy should only be about 14 more months.



2. Have the candidates heads appear to be glowing red on TV while they’re talking, much like the FoxTrax puck attempted in the NHL a few years back. The faster they talk, more brightly their heads will glow. This way, those having difficulties will be better able to follow the back-and-forth action between the two candidates.



3. A series of 10 town hall-style debates strategically scattered in locations stretching from Darien, Connecticut to Redondo Beach, California.  Candidates race from location to location in vintage sports cars, all while picking up blonde hitchhikers and avoiding local police.  Each debate will be moderated by Captain Chaos.



4. Have the candidates grow mustaches for the debates. Of course, an absolute no-brainer!  Yes, even the female candidates, nay ESPECIALLY the female candidates.  After all, the voters have a right to know what her face will look like when she gets that all-important call at three in the morning.  Will it be hairy? For the sake of our children and our children’s children, let’s hope so.



5. Hire a former domestic terrorist turned esteemed college professor to create a special explosive device with a built-in timing mechanism.  Attach the device to the each candidate’s leg as a means of providing “extra incentive” to finish their answers within the allotted time limit.
   
   This is sure-fire way (pun intended) to provide much more excitement than what we’re used to, while at the same time undoubtedly cutting down on the use of the phrase “my friends” as well as tired, folksy anecdotes about made-up people. 



6. A series of 40 town hall-style debates, where candidates must spin a wheel and pick letters in order to guess the questions being asked by “regular people”.  The candidate that correctly guesses a question earns money that can be used to shop for prizes, with any remaining funds to be added to a gift certificate to Sears & Roebuck.



7. A minimum of three news tickers along the bottom, top, and sides of the TV screen that paraphrase what the candidate just said and provide in-depth analysis and viewer reaction all at once.  In addition, the candidates’ exact words are displayed real-time in cartoon bubbles that point directly into the mouths of the respective candidate.



8. Hold a “Yo Mama” joke-style debate. This is where the candidates try to one-up each other in “dissing” each other’s mama, as the kids like to say.  This time around, McCain could have gotten the ball rolling with, “Your mama’s so white…she makes me look like George Hamilton!”
   
   However, Obama would have likely brought down the house with, “Your mama’s so old…her Social Security number is 1.  And you better believe that I’m gonna make sure she receives her full benefits, even if it bankrupts the country!”



9. A series of 178 town hall-style debates where the candidates field questions while perched on the trap door of a dunk tank filled with water. “Regular people” not satisfied with the answers to their questions have the option of tossing a softball at a target, thus releasing the trapdoor and “dunking” the candidate with a direct hit.  Alternatively, slime could be used instead of water. The debate would be moderated by Marc Summers.



10. Hold mass public viewings of the debates throughout the country in planetariums on $3 million projectors, with a free laser light show afterward.



11. Hire a moderator with a mustache…of course!  If only TV news anchors were allowed to sport them. Wait a minute, what about John Stossel? Surely a man with a mustache this burly would make mincemeat of the bare-lipped pansies we’re accustomed to.



12. Real-time graphs wired to a room full of undecided voters that measures both the level of boredom and frequency of suicidal thoughts experienced by the group at the prospect of having to watch the remainder of the debate.



13. And finally, a series of 4,392 town hall-style debates where the candidates must speak their answers backwards while strapped in a straitjacket and suspended over a flaming pit of fire and/or alligators. Throughout the debate, candidates are poked at with sticks by “regular people”, who are also screaming questions at the top of their lungs. The debate would be moderated by Joe the Plumber.

Of course, it might make it more interesting if both candidates were simply asked tough, challenging questions that forced them to move outside their safe little boxes and depart from their pre-packaged monologues. It also might make it more interesting if…oh, I don’t know…they might have actually talked about the massive fraud and corruption that occurred across the board in both parties that has resulted in the economic crisis we’re all facing now.

Unfortunately, we’re way more likely to see fire pits and alligators than that.