Our friends at CNN.com have a
story on the site penned by Rachel Zupek of CareerBuilder.com. It’s called “15
Jobs that Pay $70,000 per year,” and it’s a tale of jobs that don’t require a
Ph.D. or at least 10 years experience, which to the Mustached American, would
seem like low-hanging fruit.
The challenge, however, for the
Mustached American, as AMI Research Director Dr. Daniel T. Callahan presciently
notes in his
bio on the AMI site, is that our kind are often not welcome.
After receiving his doctorate from
the University of
Wisconsin's Tonsorial
Studies Department, Dr. Callahan worked in academia, but only as janitorial
staff and a figure model at several colleges.
"These were the dark days to
be a mustached American," he writes. "It was not unusual to see
'mustaches need not apply' signs at many employers."
Dark days indeed.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics,
while the average full-time worker's salary is $33,634 in the United States, the average Mustached
American salary is $29,980.07. The discrepancy is disheartening.
Zupek analyzed 15 jobs that earn near
$70,000 and are expected to increase in demand between now and 2016. Each requires
various levels of experience, facial hair, and education. We have earmarked six
of these for thorough consideration to determine whether Mustached Americans
can, in fact, earn in excess of $29,980.07.
- Nuclear power reactor operator ($70,410) – It has
been clearly demonstrated that a mustache is nearly as powerful as nuclear fuel
itself. Therefore, reason would have it that the Mustached American can be
placed in charge of a fuel that can melt a dwarf at 17 paces, especially when
our facial hair can do so at 19 paces.
- Management analyst ($70,990) – This is not a good
fit. Certainly we are able to analyze management, but not necessarily to manage
analysis. And there is a clear distinction.
- First-line supervisor/manager of
police and detectives ($72,620) – Boom! Sweet spot baby! Along with
weapons, uniforms, and badges, police recruits are issued mustaches upon entering
the force. There is no better fit. And don't forget - never, ever trust a bare-lipped police officer, and if approached by one, call 911 and drive as quickly as possible to your nearest Police Station where you will be welcomed by throngs of cookie dustered constables.
- Advertising and promotions
manager ($73,666) – Losers - all of them. Can’t happen. Never in a million years. That profession
will not tolerate a Mustached American….
- Education administrator,
post-secondary ($75,780) – As part of a settlement in U.S. vs. Fishbine, Mustached
Americans can no longer teach children under the age of 23 unless accompanied by
an adult without facial hair, which we believe is unconstitutional.
- Veterinarian ($79,368) – Mustached American don’t treat, we eat.
Carry on.