Editor's note: You can watch this quasi-eulogy being read on ESPN2's "First Take" at this link.
It lived a life most of us would
envy. But in the end, Jason Giambi's mustache
never really had a chance, and ended up in a bathroom basin, dead after
less than a few months of life.
The American Mustache
Institute salutes Mr. Giambi and his mustache, for having the bravery
to walk proudly down the same lines upon which other great Yankee
mustaches have -- including Reggie Jackson, Thurman Munson, Don
Mattingly, and Sal Fasano. Our hearts and prayers go out to Mr.
Giambi, his family, and the Yankees organization. And while we are all
gravely disappointed by the passing of Jason's mustache, no one, or
thing, feels a greater loss than his upper lip. The thick coating of
fur had become a part of that lip - like peanut butter and jelly - and
we can only hope Giambi's late lip sweater isin a better place.
It is important during
this time of mourning that we all reflect and understand that every
time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and
falls to earth. And the American Mustache Institute has established a
fund
in memory of Mr. Giambi's mustache that will be used to educate young
people about
the merits of facial hair, circus clowns, and juggling.
In the end, while the hearts of
mustached-Americans everywhere are broken, we must always remind ourselves that a mustache is a terrible thing to shave.
We look forward to
a newly erected monument in the new Yankee Stadium commemorating
Giambi's mustache alongside Ruth, Gehrig, and DiMaggio.