Noted witch doctor Laura Berman is the director of the Berman Center, a specialized health care facility in Chicago that's dedicated to helping women repair their sex lives and find relief from menopausal symptoms. She’ll star in “Sexual Healing,” an upcoming television series for Showtime that started taping at the Berman Center in February 2006. We are waiting with baited breath, on bended knee, with our hearts in our collective throats.

Dr. Berman has a piece on Yahoo right now that asks the age-old question of, “How do you know if you are dating a cheater?” Of course, it really doesn't matter, because girls - yes, you are dating a cheater. Easy enough. Regardless, these are the warning signs she sites:

Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman. AMI’s thoughts: Clearly, this partner is not a mustached American, as we don’t do makeovers, we need not impress, we never owned khakis to begin with as we most often walk pants-free, and our spouses already know that we are fighting off lady friend after lady friend due to our good looking lip fur.

Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly "working late," a missing husband could mean something sinister. AMI’s thoughts: Clearly, our spouse’s incessant whining is killing us and we’re at the bar, doing what we do best – slugging down cold In-Bev Lights. Or, we could be cutting down forests full of large trees with nothing more than our bare hands.

Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web. AMI’s thoughts: Mustached Americans are capable of many things such as cracking a walnut by staring at it, or making a photo of Richard Simmons catch on fire by simply dreaming the thought.  However, there are limitations to our powers, such as this “texting” phenomena and use of this module tool they call a “Blackberry.” So no worries here doctor.

And at least the glass of Bud (an In-Bev product) is not half empty. Doc Berman also ads how to Repair After an Affair.

She says infidelity – which means cheating – doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship. Well duh….She writes some troubling things such as both partners needing to work on the repair efforts. Our thoughts, of course, are that the non-mustached American in the couple must work to please the mustached American. Finally, she suggests the need to be “accountable,” and we have no understanding as to what good counting the number of partners outside of marriage we have had will do. Clearly, this makes no sense. And what of this “period of full disclosure.” Let’s get serious here doctor.

In the end, can you repair after your affair? Yes. But AMI believes it’s not as Dr. Berman proscribes, with foolish, witch-doctor-like tools such as forgiveness, accountability, and a lot of heart from both partners.

We must simply follow the guidance of the mustached American of the house, allowing him to do what he must in order to accomplish his goals, dreams, and to construct as many structures, watch as much football, and fix as many holes in the sheet rock as he wishes.