On a recent trip to the inboxes that collect the fodder of my daily online dating life, I received a message that contained the following gumballs:
“I can demonstrate the 5 positions in ballet (not very gracefully, though), I can clap with one hand (which means I can answer that age old philosophical question)…”
Dudes in ballet are alright by me. Pretty cool, even – come on, Baryshnikov is soooo sexy (even without a mustache) that he got to, um, date, Carrie on Sex and the City for at least half a season.
Now, numero dos: Which philosophical question are we answering in that second item? Whether or not inbreeding leads to strange orthopedic anomalies like the increased flop-a-bility of the phalanges against the carpals? My cousin can clap with one hand. Her grandparents were first cousins and her Gram never even had to change her last name. This is the conclusion I jump to when presented with this statement of talent.
On to the next message:
“Hello my name is (deleted to protect the creepy) and I'm responding to your profile. I'm 42 years old and I've been divorced for 10 years. I run my own business in the Insurance Industry. I love sports, movies, dining out, different types of music and traveling. I have a great sense of humor. I also find you to be very attractive. I'm very interested in you, I just joined this site on a 3day trial basis and my subscription is almost up, which is why I don't have a photo online, trust me you would not be disappointed. I'm 5'7 average build, I stay in shape, low cut, I'm always well groomed at all times and I wear a diamond stud in my left ear. I normally leave my office at 5:00 and I don't have a computer at home, I would love to hear from you, call me at 314-555-xxxx.”
No subscription? No photo? No ‘puter? If you own your own business, you need to pony up the dimes, son.
Next on the list, an email from someone in sales - No mustache, but dark hair, which usually means potential for growth. Tiny thumbnail picture. Not ugly, so I bit. We e-mailed and chatted and agreed to meet at a place I didn’t know was inconveniently too far from home in suburbia. I got there in jeans and a tank top. He was in dress pants and a tie. We settled into our adult beverages and chatted it up. We started to talk about running when he said, “I can see you gutting a fish, but I can’t see you running.” Excuse me? He then proceeded to remove his tie, referring to it as his ‘cape’. Yes, dude. Your tie and your bud light with lime are totally giving me a sense of your super hero likeness. How about a mustache and some manners? Let’s start there. And then onto a lesson about not trying to stick your tongue down my throat when I try to give you a pleasant little hug good bye.
Really? I never thought being able to gut a fish was so sexy. Remind me to add that to my profile :)