So it's being reported this week that Charlie Sheen, upon splitting from the unbelievably delicious and nutritious Denise Richards back in 2005, left her a scathing voicemail message dropping F-bombs left and right and even whipping out the dreaded C-count. Why it needs to come out now, we do not know. It's almost like Pam Anderson telling Kid Rock she had the Hep-C.....after they'd had "relations."  What's the point, right?

Sheen also managed to weave in the "N" word. Not quite sure how that one was  worked in. That seems quite the segue from whatever the issue may have been. But that Charlie, boy, he certainly is all class. Ouch!  This train wreck brings up memories of Alec Baldwin, when he had gone postal on his daughter during his ugly divorce from biscuit extraordinare Kim Basinger.

There is a rich history of celebs being caught off guard when they have not been at their best. Let us not forget The Hoff, mainstay of the German pop music charts, at his best here with his kids. 

But in examining these issues, we must dig deeper and get to the core. The key question is thus: Is there a correlation between the bare lipped and utter stupidity? One must notice that things like this don't happen to the likes of Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, Richard Roundtree (Shaft), Billy Dee Williams, and so on. Chuck Norris made better films when he was mustached. Charles Bronson did not make bad films - he simply killed people when he chose and then walked away in a light blue three-piece suit. Even Mr. Kotter's mustache allowed him to lead an entire classroom full of Sweat Hogs.

Yes, there are rare occasions when the mustached American has let his guard down. We have not forgotten that good friend and AMI supporter Pat O'Brien has had some challenges. But that is the exception, not the rule, much like finding a watchable Ben Affleck film.

So in the end, we must ponder a few things here: We certainly know that a mustache on a man tells others that he is brave, powerful, hates soccer and cats, and can crush a walnut by hurling it in the air and looking directly at it so that it shatters before falling to earth some 48 seconds later. But is there something in the mustache, that, if harnessed appropriately, can actually impede stupidity and keep the mustached American celebrity from, say, ending up in the Celebrity Voicemail Hall of Fame?  

As of now, we cannot be certain. However, there is much evidence to suggest that this may be the case. We do know that the mustache is far more than just the presumptive aphrodisiac tool used like bait to lure women to the lairs of the mustached American; and we know the Labia Sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") is more than just a food and beer receptacle.

But could there be more? What really happened that fateful night in Roswell, New Mexico in the 1950s? Why was "Different Strokes" canceled? Who invented liquid soap and why? What are the untapped powers lying either active or dormant in the lip fur of the mustached America?

We shall soon know.

Carry on