in

American Mustache Institute

Protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth, care, and culture of the mustache.

This Blog

Syndication

AMI Administration

Say it aint so - Cubs mustache may go

The following letter was sent to the Chicago Cubs:

 

People of Cubs Nation,

My name is Aaron Perlut and I am the executive director of the American Mustache Institute, as well as a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. I have been concerned to read reports that capable play-by-play man Bob Brenly has been toying with agreements to shave his labia sebucula, Latin for "lip sweater," based on consecutive wins by the Cubs.

While we, the Cubs nation, are all exuberant with the team's success this season, I believe there should be some due consideration by Brenly, the team, WGN management before rushing into a hasty move. To wit:

  • With the retirement of Walter Cronkite from the CBS Evening News in 1981, mustached on-air personalities have continued on a path toward extinction at an alarming rate. Mssr. Brenly is one of the few brave mustached Americans, along with Geraldo Rivera and the great Pat O'Brien, who have maintained their on-air mustaches.
  • It should be understood that lore holds that every time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. We believe this to be true.
  • And Brenly presently serves an aspirational role for young mustached Americans who hope to become broadcasters. Shaving his cookie duster would set a bad precedent for these youngsters.
We hope you can carry this message to Mssr. Brenly and convey the concern and fret of the mustache nation.

Thank you.

Aaron Perlut
Executive Director
The American Mustache Institute
www.AmericanMustacheInstitute.org
(877) STACHE-1
"...a mustache is a terrible thing to shave"


Disclaimer: The American Mustache Institute supports healthy, happy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that do not contain pesticides. Mustaches should be worn at the individual's own risk, and AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Mustaches should not be worn by women who hope to find employment outside of waste collection or who are looking for any form of male companionship, with the exception of Dave Navarro. If your mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. Wearing a "Dictator" mustache may lead to repeated beatings. Unibrows, commonly referred to as "forehead mustaches," are not recognized by AMI. AMI does not support chin coverage (i.e. beards, goatees) as they represent the "spousal compromise." The vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause rashes, itching or a significant decrease in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. AMI strongly encourages consulting your physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression. AMI cautions against trusting clean-shaven officers of the law. If a mustache-free constable attempts to stop your vehicle, dial 911 and proceed to the nearest police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet you with open arms. Please consider the environment before shaving your mustache. P.S. Dave Navarro is worthless.

Comments

 

Frank Bio said:

Jason Giambi's batting average pre-mustache: .261

Jason Giambi's batting average post-mustache: .406

As a Yankee hater, these numbers pain me. It is a wonder that more MLB players have not caught on to the majestic powers of the 'stache. If you need more proof, simplely look to the batting champs of the '80s (Mattingly, Boggs, Keith Hernandez). Did Tony Gwynn sport a 'stache?

June 5, 2008 10:43 AM
 

Fuzzy Lip said:

Bob Brenly succesfully sported the Stache through the 2008 Season.    Unfortunately, the Cubs went into a death spiral, and lost to the LA-LA Dodgers.    Fortunately, the Phillies beat the snot out of those same Dodgers.    Did anyone happen to notice former Dodger Davey Lopes, now the Phillies first base coach, is still sporting a now Salt & Pepper Stache?

As for Tony Gwynn Sr., he did indeed have a moustache starting his rookie year.

October 18, 2008 1:17 PM

Leave a Comment

(required)  
(optional)
(required)  
Add

About aperlut

Dr. Aaron Perlut is the former Executive Director and current Chairman of the American Mustache Institute. He joined AMI after championing and wearing mustaches since the age of seven, and completing a certification in the acclaimed Nuclear Mustacheology program at the Richmond, Virginia-based ITT Technical College’s Medical Wing. It was in his youth in Virginia where Perlut’s world view on the Mustached American people would be shaped. First-hand, he experienced the harsh world of discrimination against Mustached Americans when he was not allowed to participate in youth football due to concerns by league organizers who believed his mustache would provide him with an unfair advantage against the other seven-year-olds. And while most seven-year-olds would lash out at the world that would ostracize him for his rich, luxuriously hair-covered upper lip, even at such a young age Perlut was steadfast in building a life foundation focused on fighting for those like him – Mustached Americans who’s only care was to be treated and accepted as other non-mustached Americans. Throughout Perlut's teens he continued pursuing his interests and passion for the mustache, along with strong interests in international sponge design, and pastry repair. “This has been my life’s purpose, my being, my mustache Zen,” he said, while discussing the transition of the chief executive role to Dr. Abraham Froman. Perlut still serves in an advisory role to Dr. Froman, and when not advancing the power and culture of the mustache, enjoys reading books containing photos of the late Pat Morita, listening to records on which Mr. T performed back-up vocals, and visiting global locales where the late Herve Villechaize either previously lived or visited.
© 2007 American Mustache Institute
Powered by Community Server (Non-Commercial Edition), by Telligent Systems