The following letter was sent to the Chicago Cubs:
People of Cubs Nation,
My name is Aaron Perlut and I am the executive director of the American Mustache Institute,
as well as a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. I have been concerned to read
reports that capable play-by-play man Bob Brenly has been toying with
agreements to shave his labia sebucula, Latin for "lip sweater," based
on consecutive wins by the Cubs.
While we, the Cubs nation,
are all exuberant with the team's success this season, I believe there
should be some due consideration by Brenly, the team, WGN management
before rushing into a hasty move. To wit:
- With the
retirement of Walter Cronkite from the CBS Evening News in 1981,
mustached on-air personalities have continued on a path toward
extinction at an alarming rate. Mssr. Brenly is one of the few brave
mustached Americans, along with Geraldo Rivera and the great Pat
O'Brien, who have maintained their on-air mustaches.
- It
should be understood that lore holds that every time a mustache is
shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. We believe this to
be true.
- And Brenly presently serves an aspirational role
for young mustached Americans who hope to become broadcasters. Shaving
his cookie duster would set a bad precedent for these youngsters.
We hope you can carry this message to Mssr. Brenly and convey the concern and fret of the mustache nation.
Thank you.
Aaron Perlut
Executive Director
The American Mustache Institute
www.AmericanMustacheInstitute.org(877) STACHE-1
"...a mustache is a terrible thing to shave"
Disclaimer:
The American Mustache Institute supports healthy, happy, performance
enhancing-free mustaches that do not contain pesticides. Mustaches
should be worn at the individual's own risk, and AMI is not responsible
for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro.
Mustaches should not be worn by women who hope to find employment
outside of waste collection or who are looking for any form of male
companionship, with the exception of Dave Navarro. If your mustache
causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate
attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. Wearing a
"Dictator" mustache may lead to repeated beatings. Unibrows, commonly
referred to as "forehead mustaches," are not recognized by AMI. AMI
does not support chin coverage (i.e. beards, goatees) as they represent
the "spousal compromise." The vast majority of mustache wearers have
highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school
teachers. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause rashes, itching
or a significant decrease in sexual activity, friendships, and approval
by society at large. AMI strongly encourages consulting your physician
before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature
mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression. AMI
cautions against trusting clean-shaven officers of the law. If a
mustache-free constable attempts to stop your vehicle, dial 911 and
proceed to the nearest police station, where a squadron of heavily
mustached officers will greet you with open arms. Please consider the
environment before shaving your mustache. P.S. Dave Navarro is
worthless.