May 2008 - Posts

• A mustached American muses flick picks

  As our 13.5 loyal readers know, the AMI always supports those who support the mustache, the AMI, or lunacy in general. Kristin Otten, a former Harley-Davidson owner and all-around cutie who is pictured on the right here, is one of these people.   Kristin was one of the brave souls who attended the inaugural AMI 'Stache Bash in 2006 before the mustache had begun its comeback. Kristin has actually beaten down three men in broad daylight for not pausing to salute mustached American on St. Louis street corners. And Kristen gave the shirt off her back to a mustached American who was down on his luck and living on the bank of the Mississippi River wearing only a thong. Now comes word that Kristin's father Nick, a long-time mustached American and goat herder, has a new feature column on the Web site of the austere St. Louis Beacon which includes his latest film and book picks with brief commentary about each. And while he does not include mention of  "Smokey & The Bandit," " Shaft," or any film vehicle starring Billy Dee Williams - we bring you his column - which you can read here - and encourage you to visit him each week for his picks and musings. From fine newer non-mustached vehicles like "Juno" to "Tom Jones" to "Where the Sidewalk Ends," Nick's column is a solid venue for ideas on film or those bound pages people call "books."   The support of you - the Mustacheologists - is not only requested, but expected. Besides, it'll help Nick keep the gig. So help a brutha out.   Carry on.   Posted May 29 2008, 08:58 AM by afroman with 1 comment(s) Filed under: book reviews, St. Louis Beacon, Kristin Otten, film reviews, Nick Otten

• Sarah Jessica Parker vs. Horses

  If you, like many men, believe that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse, you need to visit this web site.   Posted May 29 2008, 07:26 AM by afroman with 2 comment(s) Filed under: sarah jessica parker, horse

• Houston to spend $150K to defend police beard ban

  HOUSTON — City officials are apparently willing to dig deep to defend the police department's ban on beards.   The Houston City Council on Wednesday unanimously authorized spending up to $150,000 to defend the city in a lawsuit challenging the no-facial hair policy. "The lawsuit is pending and we have to defend ourselves," Councilman Ron Green said. "But we're basically saying we want new police officers, but we don't want police officers with beards." Four police officers filed a federal civil rights lawsuit in November claiming the policy is discriminatory. The officers say the prohibition on beards and goatees is unfair for men who suffer a skin condition that reacts negatively to shaving. The condition can cause severe irritation, rashes and ingrown hair. The police department instituted the policy in 1993 so uniformed officers would look conservative and professional, according to a city memo. Officers said the policy unfairly effects their earning potential, both within the department and at secondary jobs. "If I work an extra job in a dangerous area, I look like a security guard," Sgt. Shelby Stewart. Posted May 29 2008, 06:50 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: beards, Houston

• Men Prefer Beer Over Sex ... and The City

  BOULDER, Colo., May 28 /PRNewswire/ -- As millions of women anticipate the reunion of their beloved "Sex and The City" foursome, men in contrast plan to say "pass" on the May 30th premiere. According to a survey, commissioned by Moosehead Breweries of 500 representative men, only four percent (voluntarily or not) plan to attend the movie's premiere. (Photo: http://www.newscom.com/cgi-bin/prnh/20080528/LAW018) Of those surveyed men, the majority (36%) will be drinking beer while watching the hockey playoffs on the night of the premiere. Twenty-eight percent plan to walk the dog and 12 percent will reaffirm their masculinity by pumping iron at the gym. In the survey, men were asked to pick the hottest "Sex and The City" character. Samantha was deemed "the hottest" (11%) followed by Charlotte (10%), Carrie (7%), Miranda (4%) and Mr. Big (2%). Interestingly, only a two percent spread separated Miranda and Mr. Big. A resounding 66 percent responded with "huh?" Cosmo? "No thanks," says the average guy. According to the survey, Moosehead beer trumps as the drink of choice with 33 percent of respondents choosing it over cosmopolitan martinis (5%). Rounding out the list: cranberry juice (23%), a shot of whiskey (18%) and double lattes (10%). "It looks like May 30 is going to be a great evening for the beer industry and this survey reaffirms it," says Glenn McDonald, President, Moosehead USA. "We thought about launching 'Cosmo' beer but Moosehead drinkers seem to prefer the simplicity of a robust and delicious Moosehead Light. It actually has fewer calories than a Cosmopolitan ... for those who are counting." While some may feel subjected to an overkill of stilettos, couture and feminine empowerment, men can take charge and get back in touch with their manliness. The best way according to the Moosehead survey is downing a cold one, straight from the bottle. According to respondents, the manliest way to drink a beer is from the bottle (49%) followed by in a glass (22%). Only eight percent consider drinking directly from the keg to be manly. The non-scientific survey was conducted via phone, May 1 through May 6. Posted May 28 2008, 10:34 AM by Dcal with 1 comment(s) Filed under: beer, Moosehead, Sex and the City

• New monthly interview

  The AMI's new Monthly Mustache Interview is up, this time with Time magazine reporter Justin Fox. You can check it out here.   Posted May 27 2008, 06:32 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: Monthly Mustache Interview, Justin Fox

• To be loved

  To be loved is not just a song by Papa Roach. We're all looking for a little bit of love. We all long to be valued by something or someone. Whether it’s our families, our bosses, our communities, or, if we you are an athlete, our teams. So we can only imagine how 26-year-old minor league baseball player John Odom felt when this happened. Being traded for a few baseball bats. That’s real love.   Then there's this dreadful story about love by Stacy D. Phillips entitled “A Dozen Ways to Get to Know Your Real Partner.” And after we’d conjured up visions of marriage counseling trips with Yenta psychologists named Lowenstein, it seemed appropriate to take the mustached American, or contrarian, viewpoint, in looking at a few of Ms. Phillips’ “ways to know who someone really is.”     Phillips: If your partner always has to go first, this could indicate self-centeredness. Are you willing to always be the giver? AMI: Mustached Americans do not give. We take. Now go get me a ham sandwich and a beer….please.   Phillips: How your partner views right or wrong in a political sense tells you a lot about his inner beliefs about society, and ultimately, the way he will approach your relationship. AMI: Clearly, the mustached man is generally right. Has Burt Reynolds ever chosen a bad script? There are times we are wrong, ergo Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Estelle Getty. But our record for correctness is in the 90th percentile.   Phillips: If his tendency is to watch "escape" TV programs versus "newsy/event" oriented ones, you can learn a lot about. AMI:  At this point we realize that Phillips is as much fun as a swift kick in the loins – the kind of gal who struggles to find a male mate – and that she should be counseling the likes of Helen Keller.  Of course we try to escape the doldrums of our every day lives. Pumping gas, emptying trash, and taking orders from bare-lipped heathens who are far  dumber than we are can only get us so far.   Phillips: If your partner throws money around while dating, he might well be reckless with your joint finances when you move in together.  AMI: High maintenance alert! She thinks she can have it both ways. Oh, that’s right, women don’t ever walk away if you don’t spend on them….   Phillips: Under Pressure, does he go to pieces or rise to the top of his game? If the answer is the former, every minor incident in your relationship might become a crisis.  AMI: In times of duress we generally find as many feral cats as we can and kick them into oncoming traffic.   Philips: Does he always talk about himself first or you? AMI: Again, get me a ham sandwich and a beer….please.   And with that we give you this song. Carry on. Oh, and we love you. Posted May 25 2008, 11:39 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: AMI Administration, mustached american, burt reynolds, estelle getty, adolf hitler, joseph stalin, Papa Roach, Stacy D. Phillips, john odom

• The curious world of the milk mustache

  So, now, like Italian Spiderman,  there's a Hispanic milk mustache which I would expect to be a bit of salsa on the upper lip. But, no, it's the cocaine-white line above the lip that is being used to promote milk. Why is this news? And the fact that the hairy upper lip of millions of men is not? Why? I'm glad you asked that, my friend. it is the conspiracy that controls major media from a bunker far underground in the middle of a forest on an island in a far away place. Think Long Beach with a lot of rain. This group is being run by a secretive group of men who don't want us to know the power of the 'stache. They use the soporific qualities of milk to keep us down. The man, that's whose keeping us down. Well, I say, no, I won't buy into the milk mustache as the only socially acceptable means of expressing my manliness and love of cheese.  And I call on you to follow me up the hill and down the block to the 7/11 or Kwik-E-Mart or what have you where my mustache may scare some away from the dairy case or the biker magazines, but you will know that I mean business. Who's with me? Ed Anger Your Town, U.S.A.  Posted May 23 2008, 12:52 PM by Dcal with no comments Filed under: 7/11, kwik-e-mart, ed anger, milk mustache, spiderman, italian

• My confession

  Last night I trekked to the Mad Art Gallery in St. Louis to see country troubadour Unknown Hinson. All I knew about him was that he is reportedly a 400-year-old vampire, that he plays a role in the hilarious Adult Swim cartoon Squidbillies, he has some very entertaining videos on YouTube like this one, or this one, and this one gives you just a bit of flavor as to how talented a guitarist the guy is. Hinson’s got an interesting tale, as you can read here in his Wikipedia entry   So as we’re watching the show, it struck me that although many mustached Americans were in the crowd, Hinson was not a mustached American himself. And all the while, there is no question he is all man. This is no cat-loving Dave Navarro-type.   And that’s when it all hit me – I needed to come clean with you, the 11 loyal readers of the AMI blog. Here it is: last week, I shaved my mustache.   Certainly, this is not the first time this has happened in my tenure as Executive Director of the bravest organization known to mankind, the AMI. But is it the last straw with our board and administration? It remains to be seen.   For those of you who have lost faith in my leadership, or deem me a hypocrite, I can only say that I am sorry if you feel let down. My normally strong upper lip needed a rest from under the weight of my typically enormous mustache. And, having now had my brief respite, this weekend I will begin the healing process - regrowing my labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”) so that it is back in its rightful place.     The question I now find myself pondering is this: is my mustache the key to manhood? Indeed, Hinson is obviously all man, and he has no lip sweater. Hell, he wears fake sideburns. Glorious sideburns at that. Is my manhood really derived from within, from the choices I make, from the gas-powered chainsaw I wield, or from the massive four-wheel-drive vehicle I drive? Maybe, maybe not. Who’s to say? My mustache could be akin to Sampson’s locks. Or maybe not.   We all have our idiosyncrasies and insecurities, and I think in the end, my mustache gives me comfort and my wife a rash on her face. It gives me purpose and intimidates those around me for fear I shall karate chop them in a moment’s notice.   But most importantly, it reminds me that I undertook an oath to lead an effort to fight mustache discrimination and bring the cookie duster back into popular fashion. We have made great progress over these past two years, but until this task is complete – I will not stop, I will not rest, and I will never stop hating cats or Dave Navarro. Posted May 23 2008, 07:46 AM by aperlut with 5 comment(s) Filed under: AMI Administration, american mustache institute, Dave Navarro, aaron perlut, unknown hinson

• Painful Parker Comes Back

  Mustached Americans enjoy football games, we like movies about super heroes other than ourselves, we love beer, enjoy our John Daniels (when you know him as well as we know him, it's "John"), and we like things like pick-up trucks and chainsaws.   What we don’t like, however, are things like the forthcoming Sex In The City film, and of course cats and Dave Navarro.   But seriously, did they have to do a Sex In the City (CITC) flick? We know that no guy in his right mind ever said to his wife, “Hey, I can’t wait to see what Carrie does this week on Sex In The City!”   And it was painful enough if we happened to be walking by the living room and the wife was watching and said, “hey, honey, come cuddle with me and we’ll watch Sex In the City!”   Argh! Who needs to endure such atrocities?   Peter Griffin said it best, “They let Sarah Jessica Parker on TV and she looks like a foot.” Amen brother. Remember, this is the same gal that Maxim Magazine named the “Unsexiest Woman Alive.”     Let’s hope the movie does not gain any steam and therefore we have to heard endless media drivel about it throughout the summer. That would be, well, painful. Posted May 20 2008, 10:54 AM by afroman with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sarah jessica parker, Sex In the City

• Cleveland rocks the 'stache at event May 29th

  Since the day the AMI opened its doors, Cleveland has continued to bring the mustache love…..hard. ROCK NIGHT, which takes place every Thursday night at REDDSTONE in C-Town, will present the 1st Annual, MUSTACHE MAY. This is not for the faint at heart – as mustached American know well – it’s a hard-core competition and party honoring the mustache! REDDSTONE is located in Battery Park, at 1261 W.76th Street in Cleveland. It will be held  THURSDAY MAY 29TH with hosts DJ BOOYA, ROB BELL & BRANDON ZANO. Mustache May has been officially blessed by your AMERICAN MUSTACHE INSTITUTE, the most prestigious mustache organization in the country. Our official position, as related to event organizer and mustache impresario Brian Conti,   "The American Mustache Institute proudly supports the bravery and lip flavory of the great city of Cleveland as it celebrates Mustache May on May 29th. Cleveland, the American Mustache Institute salutes you!"   Awards will go to winners of the following categories… ·        BEST MUSTACHE ·        BEST ROLLIE FINGERS ‘STACHE ·        BEST CHARLIE CHAPLIN ·        BEST HORSESHOE ·        BEST SALVADORE DALI ·        BEST FU MANHCHU   Judging will be done by all of the ladies in attendance, who will also be given Free Draft Beer …which is bonus….for their participation. Some of the Prizes include: ·        A FREE TATTOO OF BURT REYNOLDS courtesy of Rodney of 252 Tattoo… He has been wanting to place a portrait of the mustache god on someone for years, now he has his chance! ·        Tickets to see Gogol Bordello at the House of Blues ·        Gift certificates to The Beachland Ballroom, Music Saves, Grog Shop, and ReddStone. ·        Mustache Grooming Kit courtesy of Bullet Media ·        DVDs from Adult Mart ·        LPs from Exit Stencil Recordings ADMISSION TO THIS EVEN IS FREE and you must be 21 and over. Doors at 10pm. For more info call Brian Conti at 216.373.6879 or e-mail : brian.conti@bullet-media.com. Posted May 20 2008, 06:53 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: brian conti, cleveland, REDDSTONE, MUSTACHE MAY, ROCK NIGHT

• O.J. and sports journalism

  We mentioned in a recent posting that a pal of waiter- and wife-killer O.J. Simpson is coming out against the former running back and "Naked Gun" star. A pretty interesting interview here with the guy, Mike Gilbert, from CNN. It's really hard to figure out what's real and not, but it's fascinating to watch none the less. I guess he might be guilty as all hell, but we'll always have Nordberg. Speaking of sports, if you have not seen the recent HBO "Costas Now" hosted, of course, by ultra-arrogant windbag Bob Costas, you should see this clip here. It's a segment of the show about sports blogs and the impact they've had on sports journalism. Pulitzer Prize winning writer Buzz Bissinger, a fine, fine author of such books as Friday Night Lights and Three Nights In August demonstrates he is a sociopath who is completely out of touch with the reality of the world. And as for Costas, it's pretty clear he's on the same page as Buzz but since Bissinger goes off, there's no need for Bob to act the way he did when Major League Baseball instituted the Wild Card - he wouldn't stop pontificating about how it was the worst thing ever for the sport. Staying in the sports journalism category, sad news to report.  Washington Post scribe and ESPN "Pardon The Interruption" host Tony Kornheiser is taking a buy-out package from the Post. You can read more here in a blog posting by our good friend Dan Steinberg of the Post's "D.C. Sports Bog" (one of our favorites).  Seriously, this is a down right shame. Like when "Different Strokes" was canceled. Kornheiser's sports columns for the Post are considered gold by those of us who grew up on them. Funnier than hell. And PTI has become one of the most popular programs on ESPN, and that's saying a lot. Good luck Mr. Tony, your comb-over will always be our favorite. Finally, moments like these are golden. Golden.  Thank you Sue Simmons.     Posted May 15 2008, 06:49 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: O.J. Simpson, Buzz Bissinger, Mike Gilbert, Kornheiser, Sue Simmons

• Faux Darth Vader Spared Jail for Attack on Jedi Church Founder

  HOLYHEAD, Wales — A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church, was given a suspended sentence Tuesday. Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court. He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said. The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life." "We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously." Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle. "Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached. Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand. "He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones. District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs. In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion. Posted May 13 2008, 01:04 PM by afroman with no comments Filed under: darth vader

• Good news on political front

  Those who have followed the AMI blog know we are a politically active bunch, what with our backing of select candidates and our push to change public policy. Today, however, AMI and all mustached Americans received the best news we've seen in years, when former Republican Congressman Bob Barr announced he will seek the White House as the Libertarian party's presidential candidate. Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft sit with baited breath no doubt. Go visit Barr's presidential site here. Send him the love from mustached Americans everywhere.   Posted May 12 2008, 10:14 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: Bob Barr, president

• Mustached American hits jackpot and more

  As reported May 8, members of the American Mustache Institute administration spent last week in Florida scouting locations for a possible move of the sprawling AMI campus to the Sunshine State. After much consternation, discussions with Jesus and Burt Reynolds, and pleading by the St. Louis Regional Chamber & Growth Association (RCGA) – after which certain mustache tax proceeds were promised – we have decided to remain in St. Louis, in the shadow of the world’s largest mustache, the Gateway Arch.   Meantime, we found some typical ridicularity, beginning with a mustached American (MA) hitting it rich in New York.  Yes, the now former Phoenix Suns head basketball coach Mike D’Antoni, has agreed to a new four-year, $24-million contract to coach the absolutely pathetic New York Knicks. And it’s about time the Knickerbockers turned to a mustached American to fix the utter disaster created by former team president, GM and head coach Isaiah Thomas.   Seriously, has one man outside of O.J. Simpson ever screwed up such a nice public reservoir of goodwill? Zeke was an absolutely amazing player both at Indiana Univ. and with the Detroit Pistons, but has been a train wreck since. He screwed up the Toronto Raptors as its initial president, bankrupted the Continental Basketball Association (CBA) as CEO and owner, and ran the Knicks into the ground. Debacle after debacle.  And yet he remains employed with the Knicks as an assistant to new team president Donnie Walsh for the time being at least.   Regardless, since we haven’t seen a mustached American on the front covers of the likes of Fortune or Forbes magazines in years, it’s nice to see D’Antoni score big with a salary akin to leading CEOs across the planet – especially after the Suns seemingly dispatched him after all he did there was win and win and win and win a bit more.   Let’s move on. Speaking of O.J. Simpson, there was not one O.J., but two idiotic O.J.s back in the news this week. Let’s start with the wife- and waiter-killer Simpson. Seems that a former pal is now saying when the two were smoking weed, O.J. fessed up to killing his former wife Nicole and the waiter who was planning to bag her that night. Note to self: next time we puff the herb around the Institute, leave out any truths about murdering people. It tends to lead to prison sentences ….. And it just so happens that the Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints reports 89 percent of America would enjoy seeing him head to happy town in some California state penitentiary with a jar of Vaseline in hand.     The other aforementioned O.J. was O.J. Mayo. As noted in AMI’s blog on our NCAA picks, he was the “the first ever college hoopster who openly chose his college to play in a major media market where endorsement opportunities are rich.”  So it appears he not only chose L.A. for being a swell media market, but because his meal ticket lived there, or so says this story making the rounds on ESPN.  We guess one must consider how’s a playa to survive without a tricked-out Infiniti and a few flat-screens for the crib?   Finally, two other quick notes. First, if you watch FOX’s “American Idol,” you may know it now has a psychotic stage dad who has been booted from being backstage with his son for the remainder of the contests. Did David Archuleta’s daddy not learn from either the parents of Jean Benet Ramsey or Mary & Joseph?   And lastly, there’s new data out about favorite baby names. Emily tops the gals and Jacob the boys.  Besides Jacob, other top picks for boys were Michael, Joshua and Matthew. For girls, Isabella, Emma and Ava came after Emily, which has been the most popular female name since 1996. We just wonder this: Where are the good names of the 1970s? Mustached American names like Ike, Barry, Ron, Aqua Velva, Bruce or Dirk? Those were great times, weren’t they?   Carry on. Posted May 11 2008, 10:46 AM by afroman with no comments Filed under: AMI Administration, american mustache institute, O.J. Simpson, Mike D'Antoni, Isaiah Thomas, O.J. Mayo

• Mustache May I in Ft. Worth

  Rough Riders thriving in "Mustache May" By DREW DAVISON SPECIAL TO THE STAR-TELEGRAM FRISCO - Heading into the season, several Rangers sported Fu Manchu’s. And we all know how the Rangers started the season – as the last team to double-digit wins. Well, maybe the Rangers should’ve gone with just straight up mustaches. That’s what the Frisco Rough Riders, the Rangers’ Double-A affiliate, are sporting nowadays in honor of what first baseman Chris Davis calls “Mustache May.” Maybe it’s a take off of “No Shave November.” Regardless, it’s working for Frisco. After the Rough Riders 3-2, 10-inning win over Midland on Saturday night, the mustaches have worked as Frisco is 3-0 this month and a Texas League-leading 21-7 on the season. “It’s one of those goofy things we’re doing, but only the guys that can grow the real nasty mustaches are doing it,” said Davis, who leads the league with nine home runs. “Mine is disgusting. It’s just dirty.” And, as far as the effects of his mustache on his dating life, Davis joked: “We’re going to see. But, I’ll tell you this: God blessed me with a good personality.” All joking aside, Davis has been getting it done on the field this season. He is hitting .311 with nine home runs, five doubles and 24 RBI. Davis even got his first triple of the season on Saturday night. “The biggest thing for me offensively is just getting my strikeout-to-walk ratio [30-to-7 so far this year] respectable,” Davis said. “I don’t want to be known as a power hitter that can hit a home run but also strikes out a lot. I’m getting more comfortable at the plate and seeing a lot of pitches early in the count. But I still need to be aggressive within my strike zone.” As far as moving to first base this season, Davis said: “I feel good there. I need to work on some things. But being in the game helps a lot because there’s things you can’t work on in practice. I feel pretty good, though, I just need some time to get where I want to be.” Posted May 08 2008, 07:43 AM by Dcal with no comments