I was driving around today in my new Hummer – the one with the phat rims. I was headed, well, really nowhere. Just riding around for hours while eating a few Burger King Double Whoppers with cheese and a couple of helpings of bacon on top. Life is really great.

I’m listening to my favorite Ratt song “Round & Round” – over and over – on the stereo. Over and again I’d gently glide my free hand across my slick new Corinthian leather seats that I just had installed. I’m talking to my pal back in Virginia on my hands-free cellular phone just because I was bored out of my mind.

For a second I did accidentally lose focus and hit two trees and then one pheasant who was nibbling on the carcass of a dead cat. And some how, it all reminded me that today is Earth Day.

Earth Day is my favorite pagan holiday. I really do have trouble believing in all of this “global warming” hype. Kind of like these guys. But you know, I’m not a biologist or former "St. Elsewhere" star. We here at AMI are nuclear mustacheologists. For real.

Regardless, because we are considered the “bravest organization in the history of mankind,” as Time magazine wrote about us it it’s 1954 “Leadership” edition, we do have to set examples for the people out there who are focused on preserving this wonderful world we live in.

So with that in mind, we will revisit our environmental efforts, as first reported in fourth  quarter 2007.  People, listen up. There is more you can do as we stand by and watch, so we will share our efforts:

• Although our office plumbing is not really set up for it, we turned the water off in the urinals for the month of April.
• We mandated that no employees may bathe during this week (the month was a bit extreme).
  
• All electric razors from the AMI stock of mustache trimmers have been placed in a wooden box, deposited on the doorstep of St. Louis City Hall, and set on fire using gasoline to fuel it.
• We have  lawsuits filed against the makers of Braun, Norelco, and Phillips electric shavers for involuntary manslaughter and unlawful use of public urinals.
• Part of AMI's administrative pay package includes an annual vehicle purchase stipend of 12 cents. If we agree to put it towards a hybrid vehicle or unicycle, it is increased to 15 cents annually.
• We have asked our staff to minimize their impact on the earth by tip-toeing instead of walking and skipping rather than running.
• We had hired Woody Harrelson to have him design flammable hemp uniforms. He has since left our employment, choosing instead to continue to film horrific movies, and we have chosen to simply wear leather loin cloths previously worn in Thai bordellos.
• We were also working with Al-Qaeda on a casual Friday initiative and have asked them to use only natural fabrics. However, that relationship faded when they learned that our spiritual advisor had been a chamber maid for the current Pope.
• We reported in November that we had found our facilities director, Bobby Jones, throwing paper out in the trash can, and we shot him twice in the left knee. He is recovering nicely though will walk with a limp forever.
• Ron Heinz, the AMI's director of digital and interactive services, suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD) and thus must wear fake mustaches in order to get women. We have fired the troupe of female East German midgets who were knitting these for him out of pure Romanian silk, and instead Ron will now wear only natural, compost-based mustaches and earings.
• As AMI has been looking to increase revenue streams, we burned down our St. Louis headquarters hoping to recoup cash through the insurance payout (please do not inform State Farm). While this was nothing to be proud of, we have committed that in our rebuilding efforts to only use wood from trees that fell on their own or at least had tasty fruit growing on them.
• We will purchase carbon offsets for smoke produced from tire burning farms located in Southern Illinois and El Dorado, Arkansas, in which we own a majority share; and we will also use tire burning as an alternative energy source for heating as we have found them almost impossible to put out anyway.
• We are asking people voluntarily to pay AMI a mustache tax, which in turn will be used to naturally remove silicon from Pamela Anderson, which will then be recycled and used to beef up the anorexic Olsen twin.
• We are in the process of greening our wig supply chain and have engaged Cooldige from the "White Shadow" to oversee these efforts.
• Finally, we had offered Jimmy Dean (of Jimmy Dean sausages) a new position as AMI's Chief Sustainability Officer. He turned it down, so we are looking into the possibility of hiring someone more attuned to the green movement such as Robert Nardelli of Chrysler or L. Ron Hubbard.

As we look to other alternatives, we would appreciate your thoughts here. Thank you.