Other than Burt Reynolds’ birthday (February 11, 1936), there is no greater time in a mustached American’s life than March Madness. Yes, the NCAA tournament is a great time to be a man. And of course, mustache nation understands that being a man is far more satisfying with hair on your lip.

But we get college basketball, virtually wall-to-wall from Thursday through Sunday each week. And unlike the knuckle-nuts who manage the joke that is the college football Bowl Championship Series, once it’s all done around April 1, we get some finality, a true champion, a virtual happy ending….very much like a proper Thai massage.

And with that, despite not having a mustached American among the coaches (of whom we are aware), we offer some thoughts on the 2008 NCAA tournament:

• Round One: It's 10:30 a.m. on Thursday and the AMI campus is active. I've just cracked my first beer and have three triple bacon cheeseburgers in front of me at the first set of games begins. I can taste it. However, it's relatively blasé, like a promo for “Mr. Belvedere.” But who the hell cares? UNC and Kansas appear to have relatively easy paths, while Memphis and UCLA face far tougher draws in their respective regions. It’s still a safe assumption that each of the top seeds will a) advance to at least the Sweet 16, and b) each of the players will get a little sumpin-sumpin immediately following from rabid, very “appreciative” fans. Especially USC's O.J. Mayo, the first ever college hoopster who openly chose his college to play in a major media market where endorsement opportunities are rich. Noticeable party-poopers could include Kansas St. downing the aforementioned O.J. and his USC Trojans, St. Joes over Oklahoma, St. Mary’s is a distinct possibility over Miami, and Davidson will down Gonzaga because his coach has red hair (sorry Hoss). All we know is how can you not route for Portland State when its coach is named Ken Bone?
• Round Two: Things get interesting, kind of like this fight scene between a young Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Butler could very well take down Tennessee and its overweight yet entertaining coach Bruce Pearl, Duke - who we all hate - will only squeeze by West Virginia (is that still a state?), Davidson will give Georgetown a run but the Hoyas will win-out in the end,  St. Joes will spank Louisville and Rick Pitino will explain the loss away in his incomprehensible Brooklyn accent, and Wisconsin could die a quick death here to K-State...or O.J. and Co. if we're wrong on round one.
• Round Three: Back to why every mustached American hates Duke, as this could be the Blue Devils round to exit. Remember what Norm Chad said in his interview with AMI: “I was anti-Duke well before Coach K came to Durham. I was even anti-Duke before I met John Feinstein (though it was Feinstein who cemented my sentiments).” Amen brother. So Duke goes down to Xavier. Could Marquette make the Great Eight? Very possible. We say yes. And keep an eye on Pitt and its greasy haired coach as the Panthers have as good a shot as any to boot top seed Memphis and another greasy haired coach. Butler will continue its march, and it's important to note that my butt and corneas usually begin to itch from all this TV watching at this point. Better remember not to mix up the order of scratching them this year; that nasty case of conjunctivitis had me down for the count in '04.
• Great Eight: This is the time of the tourney when the big boys traditionally strap it on. And we're not talking AMI board member Jenna Jameson strap-ons, but more like when Hulk Hogan and Andre The Giant finally met at Wrestlemania III. UNC and Kansas will advance to the Final Four. Count on it. UCLA and Xavier will produce a hell of a game, but the Bruins will head to San Antonio. The South Region, though, is where we’ll have a surprise Final Four entry. Could be Pitt, maybe Texas, but the good money – the kind they use in Yugoslavia on the midget slave trade – is to not assume #1 Memphis will be here.  At this point, with enough beer, red meat, and television, we start imagining Billy Packer in a thong. Time to start focusing on cheerleaders, or maybe Bill Raftery in a thong.
• Final Four: Carolina – which is almost as hated as Duke – will advance past a very tough Kansas team.  These are two quality NCAA teams and they are both damn good, unlike Neil Sedaka’s “Laughter In the Rain.” I look for UCLA to defeat either an outbreak of crabs and /or Pitt to reach the big dance.
• The Finals: Seriously, who the hell knows? Kind of like who would have thunk Jesus would sing “I Will Survive” this well. I love the guys who think they are pro gamblers and think they really know what they are doing. Don't you just want to laugh at those guys when they start lecturing you and telling you it's a sure thing. No such thing. Note to faux pro gambler: you are not that smart. Plus, once we have kids – pending paternity tests and whether they are illegitimate or not – you lose your focus. Hell, I used to be able to recite every starting five and coach in the Top 25. Now, I can barely make it to the toilet at night. But for argument’s sake, I’m going with UCLA in a high scoring affair. Tacos for everyone!