John: Walter, I have to tell you, I am a huge Will Ferrell fan. His work as Ron Burgundy in "Anchorman" was legendary. The pleats in the pants were an optical illusion. But I was very, very disappointed by “Semi-Pro.” What did you think?

Walter: It reminded me of the my days of playing basketball back in Houston. We were a feisty team of underdogs who lived for the game. That said, like "Semi-Pro," the experience was painful, long and not very funny. It was a lot like the Nixon White House.

John: Yes, or very much like lovemaking with our friend Ron Jeremy. I was disappointed to say the least. There were a few nuggets of humor – most of it period related as who doesn’t laugh at the 1970s. The triple threat: mustache, turtleneck, and a perm. But the film was almost too – and I hesitate to say this – but too plot driven and there wasn’t enough focus on the humor. Would you agree?

Walter: I found nothing funny in the '70s. Gas was expensive and I never understood the free love thing. We put that idiot Carter in the big house for four years. Women seemed especially touchy in those days. Women's lib and all. A free-spirited fellow like me didn't know what to say, to look at, or to do. Holding a door open for a woman was tantamount to war in those days. It's all best left forgotten.

John: I have no idea what you are saying Walter. But let me say this. From the perspective of a gay man living in Baltimore and making movies with psychotic, self-incestuous cross-dressers – your newscasts were a stitch you old coot!  

Walter: I often reread my old newscasts in the basement while sitting in my boxer shorts and long black socks held up by garters. I have a kind of studio there with some cameras I salvaged from a UHF station on the outskirts of town. I interviewed myself as Diana Shore the other night. The wig chafed, but the girdle felt strangely comforting.

John: So, back to this dreadful, dreadful a film. What was the point? A basketball film? A period picture? And what the hell was Woody Harrelson doing? He was so coy and cute and delicious and “Kingpin” and “White Men Can’t Jump.” The wheels just fell off here. Agreed?  

Walter: Yes, that's one thing we can agree on, my very gay mustached friend. The film lacked focus and wasn't very funny, to this old newsman. Where was the madcap mayhem of the anchormen street fight? Everyone on screen seemed to be just going through the motions, like Dan Rather during the Ford administration.

John: So I guess where we leave this is – disaster – pure disaster. Anything you have to add, other than maybe a few foundationless pronouncements about the state of modern broadcasting and how your shoes are now being filled by a vapid former "Today Show" anchor? Just kidding – Katie’s cute. Such a sweetie!

Walter: Let me say this, Semi-Pro was a great disappointment to millions of Americans who seek, in motion pictures like this, a moment of entertainment and distraction from a world of increasing complexity. I give it a half-mustache (out of four mustaches) and send it to the showers...with you John. And that's the way it is, Friday, March 14, 2008.