The Serious Sports News Network, considered by the National Dwarfs Emporium Association to be the most serious sports network ever, today attempted to hijack the voice of the American Mustache Institute (NYSE: AMI), the bravest organization in the history of mankind.
In a story about the cookie duster of Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent, SSNN attributed the following statement to AMI:
“We at the AMI are deeply disappointed. We
held Mr. Kent in high regard for his dedication and loyalty to the
cause. Unfortunately, his name will now have an asterisk next to it in
our record books."
AMI contacted SSNN later in the day with several requests including:
- SSNN commit to a hate campaign against musician Dave Navarro.
- SSNN serve only free-range chicken - not caged - in its executive lunchroom;
- SSNN run an extensive piece on D1ck Bacon, the Milwaukee native crowned 1973's Mr. Nude America;
- SSNN purchase water-free urinals for its men's lavatories;
- and that SSNN appropriately attribute AMI's thoughts with a new statement:
“We at the AMI are deeply disappointed. We
held Mr. Kent in high regard for his dedication and loyalty to the
cause. Unfortunately, his name will now have an asterisk next to it in
our record book."
The final request was made due to AMI switching from a multi-book recording system to a single book recording system as of Jan. 1, 2008.
AMI plans to continue updating its readers on this issue moving forward.