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American Mustache Institute

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SSNN misquotes AMI

The Serious Sports News Network, considered by the National Dwarfs Emporium Association to be the most serious sports network ever, today attempted to hijack the voice of the American Mustache Institute (NYSE: AMI), the bravest organization in the history of mankind.

In a story about the cookie duster of Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent, SSNN attributed the following statement to AMI: 

“We at the AMI are deeply disappointed. We held Mr. Kent in high regard for his dedication and loyalty to the cause. Unfortunately, his name will now have an asterisk next to it in our record books."

AMI contacted SSNN later in the day with several requests including:

  • SSNN commit to a hate campaign against musician Dave Navarro.
  • SSNN serve only free-range chicken - not caged - in its executive lunchroom;
  • SSNN run an extensive piece on D1ck Bacon, the Milwaukee native crowned 1973's Mr. Nude America;
  • SSNN purchase water-free urinals for its men's lavatories; 
  • and that SSNN appropriately attribute AMI's thoughts with a new statement:

“We at the AMI are deeply disappointed. We held Mr. Kent in high regard for his dedication and loyalty to the cause. Unfortunately, his name will now have an asterisk next to it in our record book."

The final request was made due to AMI switching from a multi-book recording system to a single book recording system as of Jan. 1, 2008.

AMI plans to continue updating its readers on this issue moving forward.

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About afroman

The name “Abe Froman” is most commonly recognized as the ubiquitous and unseen character who’s identity is briefly assumed by actor Matthew Broderick in the film “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” However, Abraham Froman is much more. Dr. Froman, a Capricorn, began his career with AMI as an intern, and after receiving his certification in nuclear mustacheology in 2006, transitioned his role into the organization’s Director of Logistical Intelligence, focusing on research, government relations, intelligence gathering, grass roots advocacy, and song writing. On October 25, 2008, he will ascend to the role of Chief Executive Officer. “I am honored to assume the chair held by Drs. Snor and Perlut previously,” Froman said. “The Mustached American people need leadership, and I pledge that AMI, under my stewardship, will continue to provide it at a time when it is so desperately needed.” Dr. Froman has said that his future goals for AMI are to create satellite campus’s overseas and to develop an annual event, to be known as "The Million Mustache March," each year in St. Louis, concluding under the world’s largest mustache – St. Louis’ Gateway Arch. Froman formerly lived in the Chicago area where he ran a museum dedicated to the "Karate Kid" series of films starring the indefatigable Pat Morita. As Abe likes to say, "One can never tire of Pat Morita." Dr. Froman is also a periodic contributor to joesportsfan.com.
© 2007 American Mustache Institute
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