For those in the mustache nation who do not live in, nor have visited, the city of St. Louis, you are missing the ultimate spectrum of weather. No, it’s not that St. Louis’ weather is unique due to seasonal swings in temperatures. It’s the intra-weekly swings that make the St. Louis weather patterns the quirkiest, and perhaps most annoying, out there.

To wit, on Sunday, Feb. 3, 2008, the temperatures in the area neared 70 degrees. Today, on Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2008 – two days later – it is snowing. We are looking at an accumulation of up to eight inches (insert Ron Jeremy joke here).

With all of this strange behavior, we decided to find Jesus to ask him what he thought. AMI Spiritual Advisor, the Rev. Yitzchak Islamanto, caught up with Mr. Christ at a moderate resort on the Island of Barbados. Sitting poolside together while sipping mohitos and getting pedicures, they discussed Jesus' current projects, stop lights, and of course, the weather.

Islamanto: We’re sorry to have tracked you down in Barbados, but what you been up to lately?

JC: Oh, this and that. I’m trying to find a way to give George W. Bush crabs but it’s proving a tremendous challenge in that he’s moderately faithful, and he’s hired Vern Troyer (Mini-Me) to wipe down his toilet seats before each bathroom session. I’ll have to work an end-around and see what I can swing with the First Lady.

Islamanto: OK, down to the question at hand. What's is going on with the weather in St. Louis?

JC: A few things that maybe will help you understand. First, the Rams have no business playing football in a domed stadium. It’s nearly as dumb as St. Louis’ traffic lights. I mean, Jesus! St. Louis is the only major metro area in the United States which does not have timed stop lights. You would think Mayor Slay could buck up a few dollars and help a brother out. But the dome - simply stupid. Like watching a Ronald Reagan film festival.

Islamanto: So you have created a pattern of inconsistent weather patterns because the Rams play in a dome and because St. Louis doesn't have timed stop lights?

JC: Yes.

Islamanto:  Well, that’s interesting.

JC: Interesting indeed.

Islamanto:  But, don’t you think….(pause)

JC: Speak your mind my son.

Islamanto: I guess what I’m saying here is, don’t you think that’s a little petty?

JC: Yes, yes it is. But you pay a penance for stupidity. Let me quote from the book of Gump when I say, "Stupid is as stupid does." And as my understanding is that you are a Unitarian, welcome to the club my friend.

Islamanto:  Would you mind if we did this again in the future? Right now we are fixated on weather issues, but we will certainly have more pressing matters to discuss. Especially whether you believe in AMI's position about beards and goatees being a "spousal compromise," and whether you also believe Dave Navarro is a loser. 

JC: Well, Mary Magdalene did dig the full shag. But sure, just call my cell.