“Users are losers. And losers are users. So don’t do drugs. Don’t do drugs.”
Apparently this catchy little after-school message was lost on some of our heroes of the diamond. As a result, yesterday, Roger Clemens had to speak in front of members of Congress — and millions of baseball fans across our great nation — in detail about an abscess on his ass.
Rep. Henry Waxman
Said abscess, according to medical professionals and model citizen Brian McNamee, was caused by an injection of HGH, which he claims to have administered. And too quickly at that. Clemens maintains that a shot of B12 caused the abscess.
Clemens’ wife also admitted to letting McNamee inject her with HGH. Sadly, there was no talk of her ass.
We did hear about a party at Jose Canseco’s place, though. And we learned that Brian McNamee is unable to sit up straight, as a result of having no spine. We also found out that in the Clemens family, smoking some grass merits your mom yanking your ass out of college.
Frank Oz, Joliet Prison Warden
So what’s the real story here? Who’s telling the truth? McNamee’s testimony is doubtful at best, and Clemens is no pillar of honesty himself. Through it all, it seems that Andy Petite is probably the most credible party involved. But as some would have you believe, Petite is misremembering things. Such is the stigma of performance-enhancing drugs.
One thing we can know for sure, though, is that one man is standing tall and serving as a proud example for us all. That man does not need such artificial enhancement to compensate for the areas in which he lacks. Sure, he’s bald as tambourine-slapping Hare Krishna. But rather than do the abominable and join the Hair Club for Men, or — God forbid — wear a toupee, he redirects his focus and grows hair in a place that he can: On his upper lip.
That man is Rep. Henry Waxman, chairman of the committee that has so generously provided us with this media circus to divert our attention from the rigmarole of the daily grind.
Phantom of the Opera
That man, who looks like a cross between Frank Oz’s character in the Blues Brothers and the Phantom of the Opera, is a hero.