No more worries about Marilyn Manson-worshipping sophomores rampaging in school cafeteria.

Studies show girls with mustaches are less likely to be sexually active.

Law enforcement sure to become the hot new high school major.

Great differentiator when trying to recruit against prissy prep schools.

Easier to build sports powerhouse with roster of athletes in their 20s and older.

Students more likely to win John Waters Mustache Scholarships.

Makes it easier to put on production of musical version of Smokey and the Bandit.