We at AMI understand the virtues of being more environmentally conscious, as we always tell our readers to remember the environment before shaving their mustaches. But there is more we can do, and we wanted to report on our efforts:
- We have removed all electric razors from the AMI stock of mustache trimmers and plan to file senseless lawsuits against Braun, Norelco, and Phillips electric shavers.
- Part of AMI's administrative pay package includes an annual vehicle purchase stipend of 12 cents. If we agree to put it towards a hybrid vehicle or unicycle, it is increased to 15 cents annually.
- We have asked our staff to minimize their impact on the earth by tip-toeing instead of walking and skipping rather than running.
- We have hired Woody Harrelson to have him design flammable hemp uniforms.
- We are working with Al-Qaeda on a casual Friday initiative and have asked them to use only natural fabrics.
- Just the other day, we found our facilities director, Bobby Jones, throwing paper out in the trash can. We shot him twice in the left knee.
- Ron Heinz, the AMI's director of digital and interactive services, suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD) and thus must wear fake mustaches. We have fired the troupe of female East German midgets who were knitting these for him out of pure Romanian silk, and instead Ron will now wear only natural, compost-based mustaches and earings.
- As AMI has been looking to increase revenue streams, we burned down our St. Louis headquarters hoping to recoup cash through the insurance payout (please do not inform State Farm). While this was nothing to be proud of, we have committed that in our rebuilding efforts to only use wood from trees that fell on their own or at least had tasty fruit growing on them.
- We will purchase carbon offsets for smoke
produced from tire burning farms located in Southern Illinois and El Dorado, Arkansas, in which
we own a majority share; and we will also use tire burning as an alternative energy source for heating as we have found them almost impossible to put out anyway.
- We are asking people voluntarily to pay AMI a mustache tax, which in turn will be used to naturally remove silicon from Pamela Anderson, which will then be recycled and used to beef up the anorexic Olsen twin.
- We are in the process of greening our wig supply chain and have engaged Cooldige from the "White Shadow" to oversee these efforts.
- Finally, we have offered Jimmy Dean (of Jimmy Dean sausages) a new position as AMI's Chief Sustainability Officer.
AMI believes these are responsible first steps towards greening our business and industry. We hope you will join with us.
About afroman
The name “Abe Froman” is most commonly recognized as the ubiquitous and unseen character who’s identity is briefly assumed by actor Matthew Broderick in the film “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” However, Abraham Froman is much more.
Dr. Froman, a Capricorn, began his career with AMI as an intern, and after receiving his certification in nuclear mustacheology in 2006, transitioned his role into the organization’s Director of Logistical Intelligence, focusing on research, government relations, intelligence gathering, grass roots advocacy, and song writing.
On October 25, 2008, he will ascend to the role of Chief Executive Officer.
“I am honored to assume the chair held by Drs. Snor and Perlut previously,” Froman said. “The Mustached American people need leadership, and I pledge that AMI, under my stewardship, will continue to provide it at a time when it is so desperately needed.”
Dr. Froman has said that his future goals for AMI are to create satellite campus’s overseas and to develop an annual event, to be known as "The Million Mustache March," each year in St. Louis, concluding under the world’s largest mustache – St. Louis’ Gateway Arch.
Froman formerly lived in the Chicago area where he ran a museum dedicated to the "Karate Kid" series of films starring the indefatigable Pat Morita.
As Abe likes to say, "One can never tire of Pat Morita."
Dr. Froman is also a periodic contributor to joesportsfan.com.