It has just been brought to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that on top of terrorist threats, never-ending climate change and a new decade, Americans now must face the fact that their ordinary housecats will outlive them. 

TheOnion.com posted this mind-boggling article earlier this week which raises a whole new series of questions about just how protected we are against our cat counterparts.  The article states that a seemingly normal cat, Socrates, is not merely unable, but refuses to die, "despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure."  Cats have now learned the ancient secrets of immortality and should be approached with caution.

Post-apocalyptic life may not be restricted to A.I-esque robots as previously thought.  Now, felines may take the stage for a new kind of intelligent species. Life expectancy in cats has gone from 4-6 years to 12-18 and with that kind of exponential growth, everyone should take a note of concern. 

Emily Pressman, Socrates' owner, says "I don't know what I'd do without him," before adding "besides not have a cat anymore." This is what we here at AMI urge our readers to do. Get rid of your cats.  Put them outdoors and keep them there, if it means boarding up your windows as if you were suddenly an extra on Dawn of the Dead. This new report means they may outlive you, but at least they won't turn you into one of them, a la Cat Woman. 

If you have any questions about what to do when faced with an immortal tabby, do not hesitate to email or call AMI, or run to the nearest bomb-shelter.  They still make those, right?  Furthermore, if you see a cat wielding a sword, summon The Highlander as soon as you are able. A fellow immortal will know just what to do.

Be well and be safe.

I normally play nice with my teammates. I normally do. However, today I do not. 

As the 12.3 readers of this blog know, I write for Asylum.com. I value the relationships I have built there with solid citizens like smooth looking Latin lover wanna-be Anthony Layser and his jheri curl magic, Brian Childs and his debonair lip sweater, or Emily McCombs who has lovely, bountiful bosoms and speaks here of enjoying sex with Mustached Americans.

The privilege of writing for Asylum affords me the opportunity to deliver the Mustached American message to a broader community, and I have great appreciation for that. However, Asylum trend investigator Ryan McKee (pictured here at right) must go as there is no place for his discriminatory manifesto.

McKee, who's formal training according to Popular Crippled Midget Monthly is in douchebaggery, recently published a piece for AskMen.com called "Moustaches: 5 Things You Didn't Know." He started off the piece by writing:

Today, only ironic hipsters and women who have given up wear moustaches. The lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement. However, the Brillo Pad lip has a long and storied past dating back to prehistoric times. There are still groups who celebrate the moustache without irony. Documentaries and books are being devoted to the subject and world competitions glorify those who sport them. While most men are too busy mocking the moustaches, AskMen.com has been busy collecting fascinating trivia facts about them.

So let me offer a few thoughts on Mr. McKee's observations and on him as a whole:

• We find it, well, ironic, that an ironic hipster douchebag like McKee, would suggest that only "ironic hipsters" are wearing mustaches. 
• It's fascinating that he claims to know that "women who have given up" are also wearing mustaches, as McKee's only contact with females comes when his step-mother tucks him into bed in the the double-wide they share in rural New Jersey.
  
• "...lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement?" Sure, for douchebag ironic hipsters who have little else to do than attend Northwest Jersey Chess Club meetings or masturbate to 17-year-old faded Carol Alt posters in the room inside the double-wide he shares with his step-mother.
  
• Only communists and equine prostate examiners spell mustache in the Olde English manner of "mOustache."
• Yes, most men -- all 13 of you in that Northwest Jersey Chess Club -- might be too busy mocking mustaches, but that's because people of Mustached American descent know better than to associate with douchebag hipsters with haircuts they dream up by looking at online tee-shirt websites.
  

There are, as you write, still groups like the American Mustache Institute, Movember, Beard Team USA or hundreds of blogs including Asylum, USA Today's PopCandy, JoeSportsFan, HallOfVeryGood, TheCheapPop, and others who revere and "celebrate without irony" the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"). And indeed documentaries like the "Glorius (sic) Mustache Challenge" and books like our friend Jon Chattman's "Sweet 'Stache" book which devote themselves to the sexually adventuresome Mustached American lifestyle.

But it's a Mustached American thing. You would not understand as you are a newly sworn enemy of the flavor saving republic.

So we suggest Mr. McKee, that when you next attempt to write on things about which you know next to nothing because you do not have the good looks, moral fortitude, virility, nor physical capability to do so -- please, take a pass. Instead, stick with things you know like collecting Muppets figurines, playing remote online video gaming with other nerds at 3 a.m., masturbating to comic books, fixing drain pipes in mom's double-wide, and of course, playing chess.

Carry on. 

J. Jody Jones, a member of the Quarter Draw Band as a bassist player, singer, and producer, as well as one of the true nice guys who played the second ‘Stache Bash in 2007 -- passed away peacefully in his sleep on Thursday morning, Dec. 18, 2009, from pancreatic cancer.

As his bandmate and brother in mustache Marty Richter wrote of Jody, “It was a privilege to know Jody and to play music with him. He will be missed. A lot.”
 
A resident of Wood River, IL, Jody listed his age as “old enough to remember Howdy Doody and Hopalong Cassidy.”  After seeing the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964, he talked his folks into buying him a six string acoustic guitar, which he promptly modified  into a four-string bass.  The first song he learned to play was Bill Doggett’s 1956 classic, “Honky Tonk.”
 
Jody played in numerous bands over the years – country bands, blues bands, hard rock bands, classic rock bands, top forty lounge bands, horn bands, even a grunge band.  He played in a country band in England, a lounge band in Colorado, blues and pickup bands in Florida, and what had to have been one of the only hard rock bands in the Persian Gulf in the 70s.  His first band, the Jagged Edge, played the old Collinsville Ballroom in the 60’s. 
 
Always self-effacing and affable, Jody described his style as “holding down the bottom ... just keepin’ it ‘tween the lines, in the groove.”  He could play any style, from walking honky tonk two-steps to blues shuffles to rock, and was a gifted harmony and lead vocalist.  He also was the primary producer and engineer for Quarter Draw Band’s studio material.  He truly was the heart and soul of QDB. 
 
Jody was a Vietnam veteran, and worked as a maintenance instructor for an airline.  At his request, there will be no service for a few months.  We’ll provide more information when we have it.
 

STEP ONE:  BREAK PHONE
It all started with a concrete floor.  One fateful slip of the hand and my brand new iPhone crashed and burned.  I’ve dropped many a phone in my day but this was the Apocalypse of phone mishaps.  The screen shattered and waves of regret surfaced for mocking those protective iPhone cases.

Yes, just in time for the holidays the American Mustache Institute brings you yet another installment of its award-winning interview series the Monthly Mustache Interview.

This time around we talk to Kevin Cronin, lead singer of REO Speedwagon, who dishes on everything from his vinyl pants, to the band's new video game (which we've played and is pretty solid), to his HATRED -- repeat, HATRED -- of mustaches.

But don't hate him for that. Love him for his new blonde "do."

Read the interview with Cronin, who is a solid guy, here on the interview page.

Carry on.

If there are three things we like beyond mustaches here at the American Mustache Institute -- it's strippers, violence, and Nic Cage. 

But then, who doesn't? 

Regardless, we were pleased -- thrilled even -- to learn that Cage has a new film forthcoming in April 2010 that looks like surefire Oscar fare. And as we are certain this celluloid vehicle from Cage will kick-ass, we were comforted that the film itself is titled, well, "Kick-Ass."

And why does it kick-ass? There are a number of reasons, chief of which, of course, is that his Damon Macready character in the film sports a well coiffed upper lip garment, which does not suck.

Here's the story: Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed high school student and comic book fan with a few friends and who lives alone with his father. His life is not very difficult and his personal trials not that overwhelming. However, one day he makes the simple decision to become a super-hero even though he has no powers or training. Where Cage's Macready character fits into it, we do not know, nor does it matter.

But ou can read more about the flick and see a clip from it in Jordan Hoffman's post on the UGO Movie Blog.

Carry on.

In 2004, Rhode Island-based photographer Ricky Chapman was sitting in his father-in-law's tool shed masturbating to the notion of making sweet, passionate love to Janice, the lead guitarist for The Electric Mayhem, the Muppet Show house band.

He was almost finished rubbing it out when an idea popped into his mind. He lost it his momentum, but an idea was spawned -- The Moustache Calendar was imagined as a means to fund a trip to Hawaii to find Janice, who reportedly was living in Maui.

The first edition, "Moustaches and Soulpatches," featured a group of bible college students whose moustaches ranging from thick and healthy to a variety of barely there "dirt 'staches" as Chapman puts it.

Since then The Moustache Calendar has become an annual rite, much like Ramadan is for Muslims. It has evolved into an annual publication dedicated to bringing moustache aficianados the best in moustache attitude, sex appeal, and style.

As Chapman -- who is closely affiliated with the Rhode Island School of Design and has made the trek to attend AMI's annual 'Stache Bash in St. Louis -- would later tell us, "No matter the length, size, thickness, or trim - a moustache begins in the heart."

In appreciation of the the American Mustache Institute and its mission, The Moustache Calendar is offering a 15 percent-off coupon for members and friends. Simply visit the calendar website and enter the coupon code "AMI2009" to get 15 percent off your order of SEX-CONFIDENT: The 2010 Moustache Calendar.

The coupon code is good until Dec. 25,  and all orders placed before Dec. 18 will ship in time for Christmas, so let's fill some heavily moustached stockings, pronto.

Carry on.

Last night on FOX's BCS Results Show, instead of focusing on the worthless nature of the BCS and the lack of a college playoff system, host Chris Rose suggested that Texas quarterback Colt McCoy would be better off mustache-free. Today, AMI took this issue up with Fox Sports president David Hill.

Mr. Hill,

Greetings and Happy Holidays from the American Mustache Institute (AMI), although I wish I could be writing you regarding a more pleasant subject.

Last night on Fox's erstwhile BCS Results Show, fledgling host Chris Rose suggested that Colt McCoy -- the University of Texas quarterback who is a former Mustached American having grown a "unity" mustache last summer -- would be better served to not revive his lower nose garment for the BCS National Championship Game.

In short, Mr. Rose suggested that Texas could not defeat Alabama if McCoy were to grow a labia sebucula, which as you know is Latin for "lip sweater."

And while we assume the bare-lipped Mr. Rose found his own remarks to be of some witty value, people of Mustached American descent did not. We were shaking our collective mouth brows in disgust. Mr. Rose's comments were indeed insensitive, and thoroughly offensive as it subconsciously suggested that members of the Mustached American community were incapable of great leadership at starling moments of time.

Clearly, we understand that Mr. Rose is incapable of understanding the challenges and virtues of the Mustached American lifestyle as he suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD), which plagues 18.5 percent of American men. And because of this ignorance, he cannot comprehend the robust athletic capabilities of a Mustached American -- just ask Mark Spitz, Mike Schmidt, Hulk Hogan, Conrad Dobler, or film director John Waters.

We would request that Mr. Rose, while wearing a fake mustache on Fox's airwaves, make an apology to the Mustached American community for his insensitive remarks. We would also suggest he seek counseling in the form of sensitivity training from a Certified Mustacheologist, which AMI can supply if necessary.

Again, sorry to write you on such a disturbing matter, and we hope that you take swift, brutal action in remedying this situation.

Carry on.

Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman

Chief Executive Officer

The American Mustache Institute

(877) STACHE-1

Movember has ended and we now find ourselves in the month of religious consumerism: December. It's time to give back to those men (and a few women) who sport a mustache year round.  I like to think of them as facial evergreens.  Behold, a gathering of holiday mustache gifts, for anyone and everyone.

I am one to appreciate a good mustache and when it's cold outside my upper lip longs for some sort of covering.  But I am unable to grow one myself, short of a monthly injection of high testosterone doses. What can I say, I hate needles.  Luckily Santa's elves subscribe to my struggle.  Peter Ibruegger has created the ultimate collection for the coffee-stache obsessed. Mustache mugs. At 20 bones a pop, it may take a while to acquire all of them but it will be well worth it.  Now I can look distinguished while fueling my body with copious amounts of caffeine.  Well played. (Also see 'Stache Pint)

Someone has been reading my diary. TheFrisky.com has a gallery just for mustache accessories "to make a man out of you." Ranging from mustache rings to a soda 'stache, these amusing gifts will put a little hair on your chest. Or wherever. 

Because of the mass appeal of mustached men, there may be an availability shortage for single women wanting to date them.  Never fear, ladies, you can lay your head down next to this Mr. Mustache pillow. Comes complete with interchangeable mustaches for when you two have a fight and you need to pretend he is someone else.

Don't think I would leave out babies.  Who doesn't want their toddler to resemble Pubert from the Addams Family? Apparently the Swedes put mustaches on their kids as a rule.  In any case, mustache crayons will get your mini-me off on the right foot.  

For the comic fiend or those besotted with John Oates (which is everyone) check out J-Stache, "a kick-ass mustache." Says J-Stache: "I made Hall & Oates famous. Yeah, I get high. Yeah, I know your girlfriend. Do I write hits? You bet bitches."  A gift to make your mother proud.

If you are feeling a bit lazy and want to stick with the traditional key chain or T-shirt gift, make sure you try out these mustache novelty items because they are witty enough to make up for your lack of effort.  Also this shirt if you have a hankering to look like a combination of the Monopoly Man and the Pringles guy.  

Charity is another big part of the holiday season.  (Right up there with chugging wine at the family dinner table and smuggling leftovers so you don't have to buy groceries.) So do something good for sufferers of bare upper lip syndrome and gift them this mustache self-portrait mirror so they can have the illusion of being studly. 

For those of you who are already sporting a mustache but have a tendency to become disheveled, purchase this switchblade mustache comb and instantly increase your chances of getting laid.

Last but not least, for the canine love of your life, stuff Fido's stocking with a dog toy mustache to enhance his burliness. Sidenote:  This doesn't work for cats and were they to grow a mustache you would have proof that they are getting smarter and thus should be afraid.

That's quite the collection and should cover all the bases. Feel free to post any of your mustache gift ideas in the comments. 

Remember to tip your waiter and hug a mustached man today.  Happy Holidays.

We have posted our latest Monthly Mustache Interview with Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada, who of course won the 2009 "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award at 'Stache Bash 2009. 

Unlike shortened versions you may have seen on ESPN and other places of this interview, this version is the "Full Monte."

Watch it here. 

Carry on.

Milk mustaches were the first thing to turn me off from dairy. That and my intolerance of lactose.  But, it is kind of a double standard that ads blatantly making fun of a minority group still remain on the market. It's senseless mockery widely accepted by the masses.

I also came to the conclusion that milk is not an essential part of any persons’ life because, unless you were born from a cow, or were part of a commune that used cows to nurse their babies, that isn’t natural. I understand the basis of the whole calcium myth, but hey, if preventing osteoporosis comes at the expense of hard-working mustachioed Americans, I’ll just take a supplement, thanks.

I ventured into the unsafe waters of being a vegetarian shortly after protesting dairy.  I stopped eating meat and became concerned for the welfare of four-legged friends and the like. But I kept a little secret. I’m living a lie. Well, a little white lie. I’m only a pseudo vegetarian. A part-time activist against the cruelties inflicted upon sweet little earth-critters. But after a brush with death and a brief out-of-body experience, I saw firsthand the special place reserved in hell for cats.  There has been documented proof that cats, at the very least, are plotting world domination. Don't be fooled, they will try to blend in with their targets only to attack when it's least expected. (see Hitler Cat right)

 As I sit here and listen to "Secret Lovers" to stimulate my creativity, a brief thought flashes through my head. What have kittens ever done to me?  Shouldn't I love all animals?  Well, kittens have done nothing...yet.  But, I'm also a firm believer of keeping my enemies closer.  So while I may pick up the occasional ball of fluff and toss it a paper towel roll to play with, just know, it's strategic.  Because, once that kitten grows into it's cat-form, it will begin to formulate thoughts of its own and eventually seek to destroy human kind, i.e. the hands that feed it.

So how can I, equipped with this knowledge, continue to be a friend of ALL animals?  That is why I am only a part-time vegetarian.   Because no American friend of mustaches can have a feline in her household and expect to live.  I'm just looking out for number one.  Rest assured (PETA) I don't go around hurting little innocent cats.  I'm not an 8 year old boy.  But when that day comes for a battle royale, I just want to make sure I'm prepared. 

On the other hand, if I'm ever thrown into an ocean full of leopard seals, like photographer Paul Nicklen, I can only hope they choose to adopt me and not eat me.  I would apply the same courtesy to them.  Otherwise, what kind of animal friendly, vegetarian would I be? 

The legal community in America has traditionally demonstrated great solidarity with the Mustached American community. 

Indeed,the last mustached American president of the United States was William Howard Taft -- a lawyer; the Wall Street Journal Law Blog has often covered our exploits the the Law Blog Mustache Society; Georgetown Law holds an annual mustache competition handing out  the Burt Reynolds Commemorative Plate; 69.7 percent of all incarcerated felons wear mustaches; and now, the scarf-wearing, normally bare-lipped David Kolker (pictured at right) and his peers at the George Washington University Law School will hold its "Justache For All" fundraiser benefiting the Equal Justice Foundation (EJF) which provides stipends to law students working unpaid public interest and public service jobs over the summer.

As you can see on the the event website, participants are asked to grow good looking "Justaches" (as if there was such a thing as an ugly mustache) from November 9th to December 3rd and ask friends and family to sponsor their efforts. The participant who maintains their dapper "Justache" for the entire period and has the highest sponsorship on December 3rd wins a $150 prize. Also at stake is the honor of being named "Most Amazing Best Justache,"  and everyone who grows a "Justache" will receive a "Justache For All" t-shirt.

A Gala Dinner is planned to raise funds for the competitors' lower nose accoutrements, and the group has wisely invited the American Mustache Institute, as well as numerous mustachioed and mustache-sympathizing members of Congress to attend.

It will be held Friday, November 20, in the Logan Circle area of Washington, D.C. Hair-growing cocktails will be served at 7pm, followed by dinner at 8pm.

If you are interested in attending the dinner, or for random questions about good looks, e-mail Kolker at davidkolker@gmail.com.

Carry on.
 

Founded in 1965 and the only facial hair advocacy group and think tank in the world, the American Mustache Institute is the standard-bearer for the relatively small and extremely tight knit Mustached American community. This is why other fine groups and individuals in the Mustached American community  -- many of which are charitable in nature -- come to us like the Dons of the early 20th Century for assistance in promoting their exploits.

This includes the likes of Movember, the U.S. Beard Team, Jay Della Valle, TheCheapPop, and Mustaches Vs. Cancer. Another one of these fine groups is Mustaches for Kids -- which of course has in recent years come to AMI to kiss the ring and ask for assistance in promoting its mission.

And that is why it was so disappointing when Mitchell Goldman -- a Brooklyn-based nurse who formed the San Francisco chapter of Mustaches For Kids and soon thereafter joined the New York chapter -- sent what I found to be a very sad e-mail to AMI.

Certainly Goldman, who surprisingly does not go by his middle name of "Jason" as there are only six people named "Mitch" left in North American, should have known better. But instead he sent us a correspondence which in part said:

I’m writing in regards to the AMI’s use of the phrase ‘Stache Bash. Mustaches for Kids owns a trademark registration for ‘Stache Bash, U.S. Registration No. 3,647,024 (as well as U.S. Registrations for Mustaches for Kids and M4K), so I’m requesting that you rename future American Mustache Institute events in order to avoid confusion. 

Very silly.

You see, the hard-liners here at the austere American Mustache Institute appreciate Mr. Goldman's partial-year interest in living the Mustached American lifestyle. And we recognize that in April of 2009 -- several years after the American Mustache Institute held its first 'Stache Bash -- he obtained a "Service Mark" (not a Trademark) for the phrase "'Stache Bash."

But what his Service Mark provides for is "Charitable Fundraising Services, Namely, Organizing And Conducting Charitable Mustache-Growing Events." And thus, from a legal perspective his only request can be that the American Mustache Institute cease to use our annual 'Stache Bash event to benefit Challenger Baseball -- a baseball league for kids and adults with disabilities. And clearly, this is not an option.

Regardless, his request is nonsensical, and we ask you to convey your displeasure to him via e-mail at mitch@mustachesforkids.org, or by mail at 329 Union Street, #3B, Brooklyn, NY 11231.

Be sure to tell him that not only is he unnecessarily becoming a divisive part of the normally harmonious Mustached American community, but that he should simply focus on the good service provided through Mustaches For Kids -- working to ply his trade and do the admirable work that the charity provides.

Carry on. 

It's not every day that we get a glimpse at the real story of Christmas. Yes, the real story. 

And that is a glimpse of Santa J. Clause -- who's birthday we celebrate on December 25 -- and his true, depraved misgivings. 

But indeed, from December 4 - 19, the Hot City Theater in St. Louis will present "THE EIGHT: Reindeer Monologues," written by noted sodomite Jeff Goode and directed by trapeze and soft-porn aficionado Sarah Armstrong.

As Hot City Artistic Director Marty Stanberry puts it, "THE EIGHT" is a wickedly funny alternative to traditional candy-cane cheer.  Scandal erupts at the North Pole when one of Santa's eight tiny reindeer accuses him of sexual harassment. As the mass media descends upon the event, the other members of the sleigh team demand to share their perspectives, and a horrific tale of corruption and perversion emerges - which seems to implicate everyone from the teeniest elf to the tainted Saint himself. 

With each deer's stunning confession, the truth behind the shocking allegations becomes clearer...and murkier..

So as the good people of Hot City came out and supported the Mustached American community at 'Stache Bash 2009 (see the event video here), we ask you to go support their efforts, the arts in general, and go see this tragic tale of how sex, alcohol, pedophilia and rampant bestiality threatened the very existence of Christmas - an irreverent holiday spectacle that can only be told in the HotCity way.

Below you'll find a high quality picture of a cast member called the vixen Julie Venegoni (sweet Jesus!).

Carry on.