I normally play nice with my teammates. I normally do. However, today I do not. 

As the 12.3 readers of this blog know, I write for Asylum.com. I value the relationships I have built there with solid citizens like smooth looking Latin lover wanna-be Anthony Layser and his jheri curl magic, Brian Childs and his debonair lip sweater, or Emily McCombs who has lovely, bountiful bosoms and speaks here of enjoying sex with Mustached Americans.

The privilege of writing for Asylum affords me the opportunity to deliver the Mustached American message to a broader community, and I have great appreciation for that. However, Asylum trend investigator Ryan McKee (pictured here at right) must go as there is no place for his discriminatory manifesto.

McKee, who's formal training according to Popular Crippled Midget Monthly is in douchebaggery, recently published a piece for AskMen.com called "Moustaches: 5 Things You Didn't Know." He started off the piece by writing:

Today, only ironic hipsters and women who have given up wear moustaches. The lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement. However, the Brillo Pad lip has a long and storied past dating back to prehistoric times. There are still groups who celebrate the moustache without irony. Documentaries and books are being devoted to the subject and world competitions glorify those who sport them. While most men are too busy mocking the moustaches, AskMen.com has been busy collecting fascinating trivia facts about them.

So let me offer a few thoughts on Mr. McKee's observations and on him as a whole:

• We find it, well, ironic, that an ironic hipster douchebag like McKee, would suggest that only "ironic hipsters" are wearing mustaches. 
• It's fascinating that he claims to know that "women who have given up" are also wearing mustaches, as McKee's only contact with females comes when his step-mother tucks him into bed in the the double-wide they share in rural New Jersey.
  
• "...lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement?" Sure, for douchebag ironic hipsters who have little else to do than attend Northwest Jersey Chess Club meetings or masturbate to 17-year-old faded Carol Alt posters in the room inside the double-wide he shares with his step-mother.
  
• Only communists and equine prostate examiners spell mustache in the Olde English manner of "mOustache."
• Yes, most men -- all 13 of you in that Northwest Jersey Chess Club -- might be too busy mocking mustaches, but that's because people of Mustached American descent know better than to associate with douchebag hipsters with haircuts they dream up by looking at online tee-shirt websites.
  

There are, as you write, still groups like the American Mustache Institute, Movember, Beard Team USA or hundreds of blogs including Asylum, USA Today's PopCandy, JoeSportsFan, HallOfVeryGood, TheCheapPop, and others who revere and "celebrate without irony" the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"). And indeed documentaries like the "Glorius (sic) Mustache Challenge" and books like our friend Jon Chattman's "Sweet 'Stache" book which devote themselves to the sexually adventuresome Mustached American lifestyle.

But it's a Mustached American thing. You would not understand as you are a newly sworn enemy of the flavor saving republic.

So we suggest Mr. McKee, that when you next attempt to write on things about which you know next to nothing because you do not have the good looks, moral fortitude, virility, nor physical capability to do so -- please, take a pass. Instead, stick with things you know like collecting Muppets figurines, playing remote online video gaming with other nerds at 3 a.m., masturbating to comic books, fixing drain pipes in mom's double-wide, and of course, playing chess.

Carry on.