Milk mustaches were the first thing to turn me off from dairy. That and my intolerance of lactose.  But, it is kind of a double standard that ads blatantly making fun of a minority group still remain on the market. It's senseless mockery widely accepted by the masses.

I also came to the conclusion that milk is not an essential part of any persons’ life because, unless you were born from a cow, or were part of a commune that used cows to nurse their babies, that isn’t natural. I understand the basis of the whole calcium myth, but hey, if preventing osteoporosis comes at the expense of hard-working mustachioed Americans, I’ll just take a supplement, thanks.

I ventured into the unsafe waters of being a vegetarian shortly after protesting dairy.  I stopped eating meat and became concerned for the welfare of four-legged friends and the like. But I kept a little secret. I’m living a lie. Well, a little white lie. I’m only a pseudo vegetarian. A part-time activist against the cruelties inflicted upon sweet little earth-critters. But after a brush with death and a brief out-of-body experience, I saw firsthand the special place reserved in hell for cats.  There has been documented proof that cats, at the very least, are plotting world domination. Don't be fooled, they will try to blend in with their targets only to attack when it's least expected. (see Hitler Cat right)

 As I sit here and listen to "Secret Lovers" to stimulate my creativity, a brief thought flashes through my head. What have kittens ever done to me?  Shouldn't I love all animals?  Well, kittens have done nothing...yet.  But, I'm also a firm believer of keeping my enemies closer.  So while I may pick up the occasional ball of fluff and toss it a paper towel roll to play with, just know, it's strategic.  Because, once that kitten grows into it's cat-form, it will begin to formulate thoughts of its own and eventually seek to destroy human kind, i.e. the hands that feed it.

So how can I, equipped with this knowledge, continue to be a friend of ALL animals?  That is why I am only a part-time vegetarian.   Because no American friend of mustaches can have a feline in her household and expect to live.  I'm just looking out for number one.  Rest assured (PETA) I don't go around hurting little innocent cats.  I'm not an 8 year old boy.  But when that day comes for a battle royale, I just want to make sure I'm prepared. 

On the other hand, if I'm ever thrown into an ocean full of leopard seals, like photographer Paul Nicklen, I can only hope they choose to adopt me and not eat me.  I would apply the same courtesy to them.  Otherwise, what kind of animal friendly, vegetarian would I be?