You may recall that several weeks ago, New York Governor David Paterson shaved his horrendous beard down to a trim, good looking, Gubernatorial mustache and the American Mustache Institute applauded him. This week, however, AMI learned that Gov. Paterson has shaved his once-proud labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"), demonstrating the same weakness which made him stray from his wife in adulterous fashion.
It is indeed a great shame. 
As one of the only Mustached American U.S. governors, Gov. Paterson would have certainly been a fine candidate for the prestigious "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" honor, which will be awarded at 'Stache Bash 2009 featuring John Oates on Oct. 30 in St. Louis.
But the Governor's calous,
selfish, and ignorant act has done a great disservice to people of Mustached
American descent who were willing to support him in his reelection
efforts. Now, more than likely, our community will shun him, and in an election year, it was a decision that was clearly made without great thought.
Plus, he certainly was vastly better looking
with his lower nose accoutrement, and once he loses office in this next election cycle, our studies demonstrate his future employment options would
have also been 17.3 percent greater with a mustache, than without.
Now, as we do when all great mustaches die, AMI offers the following eulogy:
In Memorial
It lived a life
most of us would envy. But in the end, David Paterson's robust
and glorious late mustache never really had a chance. It ended up in a
bathroom basin, dead after weeks of abundant, spirited life, love, and happiness.
The
American Mustache Institute salutes the Governor and his mustache for
having the bravery to walk proudly down the rough streets of New York.
Our hearts and prayers go out to the him, his family, and New York State
residents, for whom Gov. Paterson's mustache had become a beacon of
freedom and justice in just a short period.
And
while we are all gravely disappointed by the passing of Gov. Paterson's
mustache, no one, or thing, feels a greater loss than his upper lip.
The thick coating of fur had become a part of that lip - like the cream
filling to an Oreo cookie - and we can only hope his late lip
sweater is in a better place.
It
is important during this time of mourning that we all reflect and
understand, as stated in the Dead Sea Scrolls, that every time a
mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. And the
American Mustache Institute has established a fund in memory of Gov. Paterson's mustache that will be used to educate young people about the
merits of facial hair, dwarf tossing, daytime television dramas, and thrift
store shopping.
In
the end, while the hearts of the Mustached American community across
America are broken, we must always remind ourselves that a mustache is
a terrible thing to shave. And we look forward to a newly erected
monument in Albany commemorating Gov. Paterson’s late mustache
alongside the bronze busts of Plaxico Burress, as well as the late Herve
Villechaize, who once visited Albany, by accident.