The ancient Babylonians would stone men who did it. The Mongolians would castrate offenders. And Alabama state residents are forced to turn over any remaining teeth.

Yes, the penalty for shaving one's mustache over the span of history has been unflinching, deserving, and certainly, painful.  Plus, as we discovered in 1954 when the Dead Sea Scrolls were found, each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

That is why today we mourn the late lower lose accoutrement of University of Texas quarterback Colt McCoy.

McCoy claimed to have grown his labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") for the purpose of Longhorn team unity. And initially, because it  so resembled the fur above each eye socket, the American Mustache Institute questioned whether, in fact, his lip sweater was real and not one of his spare eyebrows. So we sent a team of AMI certified mustacheologists to Austin to speak with, and examine Mr. Horse's mustache. We determined it was, indeed, real, but that didn't stop it from living a life that was all too short.

Thus the tragedy that McCoy ultimately shaved his robust fuzzy tickler after only several weeks of life, killing an angel, weakening his Heisman hopes, and ridding the Mustached American people of a role model. It is a terrible tragedy, much like the Greek mythologies we are taught as children.

Mr. McHorse was even a quality candidate for the "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" honor -- for which we are currently accepting nominations here. 

But in the end, Colt was once a beacon of freedom with his unwavering commitment to a furry friend atop his noise maker with hopes of National Championships and Heisman glory. Now, he's just a Pony without a mane. And that's just a shame.

Godspeed.