I think Jesus must have had a mustache. And I don’t mean a pencil thin mustache. I mean like…Cheech Marin style. Or Col. Sanders, had he gotten rid of the atrocity on his chin. There are many arguments about what Christ was like. Some claim he was Arabian. Others are convinced he was black. Hitler, not surprisingly, refused to believe Jesus was a Jew, and instead pointed to the fact that there were Roman-Gallic legionaries stationed in Galilee: “Jesus was not a Jew.” Let me just point out how absurd that statement is, considering Christ’s religious affiliation, and then let me point out that Adolf Hitler sported one of the most embarrassing mustaches recorded in the annals of history. And you wonder why the Red Army marched right into Berlin? Look at Hitler’s ‘stache then at Stalin’s. Case closed.

I see I’m off base. Allow me to digress. People always talk about how holy and amazing and incredible his presence in existence was/is. Those who have seen his ghost/visage/persona always seem to mention how awestruck they are by his presence. What are the options?

Was Jesus clean-shaven? No. Of course not! There’s just no way. You think the women of the time – and men, for that matter – would have drooled over a baby face? NO! Jesus K. Ryste was a rugged man, more Chuck Norris than Channing Tatum, but not so much Chuck Norris because Chuck doesn’t have the courage to take that extra step of the ‘stache. You get my point, though. Jesus didn’t shave and go all Roman on us. He sported the facial hair, that holiest of awesomes.

He didn’t have a beard, because this is the Son of God. The dude was well-groomed. I always hear how everyone smelled funny back then and nobody bathed regularly and all that. I would like to think that God held his son to the highest standards possibly, and that includes being well-groomed. Despite conflicting statements, there is no such thing as a well-groomed beard. Either you have an innumerable amount of hair on your face covering your cheeks or you don’t. A mustache, though…that’s well groomed. Few can say they have truly mastered the art of the ‘stache, and the great Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi was one of them. If Gandhi could do it, Jesus could do it.

Look, I’m not saying I have irrevocable proof that a third of the Trinity sported a ‘stache. I’m just saying that, when you look at the facts that have been presented, and the common sense associated with most of the matter at hand, all the compasses seem to point to this one conclusion: Jesus of Nazareth sported a ‘stache, and the line, “As the Father has commanded me, so I command you…to wear a mustache.”