In an exclusive interview with St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel, the AMI has learned the reason Ankiel shaved his short-lived but celebrated mustache was due to the overwhelming pressure and expectations that came along with it. 

“I just couldn’t handle it, man.” said Ankiel of his now deceased 'stache. “It was all just too much too fast.”

“One man should only be so good-looking, confident, and attractive to the opposite sex. Not to mention what it did for my game. You saw the results. My batting average shot up like 75 points in a week.”

The Rickster relayed fears that his torrid hitting pace, which occurred almost immediately after donning the Don Mattingly, could have sparked an investigation by baseball officials had he continued its use. At this time, Major League Baseball does not recognize mustaches as a performance-enhancing substance. However, as more and more players enjoy unparalleled success while wearing the face fungus, baseball executives have hinted at the idea of rethinking this policy.

The man now known as “Swingin’ Dick” Ankiel is convinced. He knows all too well the power of the nose tickler:

“I just couldn’t deal with it, man. You don’t understand its power, man. You can’t possibly understand. You may think you know, but you don’t.”

Ankiel agreed to talk exclusively with the AMI about his recently shaven mustache because, as he stated: “You guys are the only organization I can trust to not distort my words on this...man.”

At first, Ankiel decided to grow the mustache as kind of a lark. He had heard the legend of its mystical powers, but had always considered it to be an old wives tale.

As a result, Ankiel wasn’t quite ready for the sudden and overwhelming success that accompanied his chevron, both on the field and off. In less than a week, The Rick had raised his average nearly 80 points and received nearly a dozen marriage proposals. As the success mounted with each passing day, so too did the pressure to perform, until it all became too much to bear.

“I was for my mustache before I was against it,” added Ankiel, sounding a lot like Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, who at times has been known for sporting a mustache made of Heinz ketchup. 

This isn’t the first time Ankiel has experienced troubles dealing with success. He burst onto the scene as a 19 year-old rookie starting pitcher in 2000. After a stellar regular season that included 11 wins and 194 strikeouts, Ankiel experienced an unparalleled meltdown during the playoffs, later dubbed “The Ricky Horror Picture Show.”

All of a sudden, a pitcher that had demonstrated such impeccable control throughout the regular season had trouble throwing the ball within ten feet of the strike zone.

There has long been suspicion that the implosion in October of 2000 may have been mustache-related as well. An anonymous source close to Ankiel at the time indicated that his troubles may have had something to do with the then 19 year-old’s inability to grow anything more than a bad teenage mustache consisting mostly of peach fuzz. This dealt a crippling psychological blow to the young hurler at the worst possible time.

“I’d wanted to grow one for a long time,” said Ankiel, confirming these longstanding rumors. “I figured I was mature and manly enough to do so. When I couldn’t, it was like a crippling psychological blow at the worst possible time.”

“I wanted to grow a Fu Manchu like my Cardinals idol, Al Hrabosky. When I couldn’t, it was just devastating, man. I was able to grow a really douchey line beard, but it obviously just wasn’t the same.”

Since sitting down with the AMI for this exclusive interview, Ankiel made further headlines when he suffered a scary-looking injury Monday night. While making a spectacular catch on a deep fly ball, Ankiel lost his balance and fell face-first into the outfield wall.

Speculation abounds as to whether or not a mustache could have prevented the collision by providing the necessary body equilibrium (or “chi”, as it is referred to in Chinese cultures) to avoid the wall.

Others have argued that a fully grown mustache would have helped cushion the impact absorbed by Ankiel’s face when he crashed into the wall.  Taxpayer-funded government experiments to determine the effectiveness of the mustache as protective face guard are still in the early stages. However, AMI Chief Executive Officer and renowned nuclear mustacheologist Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman strongly recommends erring on the side of caution and wearing a mustache in order to prevent such injuries, as he recently wrote on The Jock Itch web site.

Despite not wearing his protective mustache, Ankiel thankfully managed to avoid serious injury.  He was kept in the hospital overnight for observation and released Tuesday morning. No word has surfaced on how much playing time he might miss or whether or not he will reconsider his decision to shave.