This is Earth Week, whatever that Hallmark Holiday is. Regardless, in it's honor, CNN.com today has a story that essentially says if you are thin, you are contributing less to global warming. And while we know about as much as CNN.com about the relationship between human weight and global warming -- which is to say, NOTHING -- your American Mustache Institute has taken significant steps in recent years to minimize our carbon footprint. 
In fact, way back in November of 2007, AMI published a blog posting about these steps. We then updated our efforts on Earth Day 2008. Indeed, we were, and remain to this day, ahead of our time. But for the benefit of our newer members and audience, we shall rehash some of our efforts:
- Although our office plumbing is not really set up for it, we turned the water off in the urinals for the month of April.
- We mandated that no employees may bathe during this week (the month was a bit extreme).
- We have removed all electric razors from the AMI stock of
mustache trimmers and plan to file senseless lawsuits against Braun,
Norelco, and Phillips electric shavers.
- Part of AMI's
administrative pay package includes an annual vehicle purchase stipend
of 12 cents. If we agree to put it towards a hybrid vehicle or
unicycle, it is increased to 15 cents annually.
- We have asked
our staff to minimize their impact on the earth by tip-toeing instead
of walking and skipping rather than running.
- We have hired Woody Harrelson to have him design flammable hemp uniforms.
- We are working with Al-Qaeda on a casual Friday initiative and have asked them to use only natural fabrics.
- Two years ago, we found our facilities director, Bobby Jones, throwing paper out in the trash can. We shot him twice in the left knee. He has recovered to a degree but will walk with a limp for the remainder of his days.
- Ron Heinz,
the AMI's director of digital and interactive services, suffers from
Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD) and thus must wear fake mustaches. We
have fired the troupe of female East German midgets who were knitting
these for him out of pure Romanian silk, and instead Ron will now wear
only natural, compost-based mustaches and earings.
- As AMI has
been looking to increase revenue streams, we burned down our St. Louis
headquarters hoping to recoup cash through the insurance payout (please
do not inform State Farm). While this was nothing to be proud of, we
have committed that in our rebuilding efforts to only use wood from
trees that fell on their own or at least had tasty fruit growing on
them.
- We will purchase carbon offsets for smoke
produced from tire burning farms located in Southern Illinois and El Dorado, Arkansas, in which
we own a majority share; and we will also use tire burning as an alternative energy source for heating as we have found them almost impossible to put out anyway.
- We are asking people voluntarily to pay AMI a mustache tax, which in turn will be used to naturally remove silicon from Pamela Anderson, which will then be recycled and used to beef up the anorexic Olsen twin.
- We are in the process of greening our wig supply chain and have engaged Cooldige from the "White Shadow" to oversee these efforts.
- Finally, we have offered Jimmy Dean (of Jimmy Dean sausages) a new position as AMI's Chief Sustainability Officer.
AMI believes these are responsible first steps towards greening our business and industry. We hope you will join with us.
Carry on.