In the original 1974 classic Death Wish, they killed his wife and raped his daughter. Eight years later, in Death Wish II, they killed his maid. Oh, and they also raped his daughter (again) and then killed her. Well, being raped twice made her jump out a window. Same difference. And if that wasn't enough, they kicked his dog and raped his prize-winning azalea bushes. Then they flushed his goldfish down the toilet and raped his lawn gnome - probably. I might have to look that one up on imdb.com. I think it was in the DVD's deleted scenes.

Look, basically it just doesn't pay to know architect/vigilante Paul Kersey. His family and friends have a bad habit of turning up dead...or raped. Or both.

And in 1985, Paul Kersey was back with a vengeance in Death Wish 3 - by far the most farcical of the franchise. Make no mistake, this statement is intended as a genuine compliment. Few movies are as wonderfully bad as the third of five installments in the Death Wish series (yes, there were five). They just don't crap out sequels like that anymore. Remakes maybe, but not sequels.

By now you're probably asking yourself, "There has to be more of a reason than this for the American Mustache Institute to write a review of a movie released 24 years ago, isn't there?"

And to that I can confidently reply, "Welcome to the AMI blog. This is obviously your first visit. So shut up, no one cares what you think."

The simple fact is that Charles Bronson as the scorned-pacifist-turned-bloodthirsty-vigilante is one of the baddest mustached movie characters of all time. This review was born out of the severe shortage of such mustached leading men in Hollywood today. As a result, we are forced to go back to the mid-1980's and beyond to pay homage to the great mustached heroes of the past like Bronson and Chuck Norris.

The beginning of Death Wish 3 finds our hero Paul Kersey traveling by Greyhound back to his hometown of New York City, fresh out of wives and daughters to kill/rape. So this time out, a gang of street thugs kills Kersey's elderly acquaintance, a man known only as Charlie, whom he is coming to visit for some apparent reason to which we are not privy.

Uh-oh. Wives, daughters - even girlfriends - are one thing. But elderly acquaintances? Looks like somebody's finally gone too far.

Kersey arrives at his friend Charlie's apartment just in time to see him die. Police arrive moments later, and naturally assume that Kersey was the killer. Yes, despite the fact that the guy lives in a horrible, run-down neighborhood plagued with street crime and ruthless gangs, obviously a lone elderly man must have committed this murder. Score one for New York's Finest!

Kersey is hauled off to jail and immediately his civil rights are flagrantly violated. He is beaten during interrogation, denied a lawyer, and never formally charged. One could argue that this was screenwriter Don Jakoby's attempt at irony: A vigilante that so often served as judge, jury and executioner for criminals - now having his civil rights violated. More than likely though, it's just an excuse to beat someone up on camera.

There he meets up with Richard Shriker, played by veteran actor Ed Lauter. You might also remember him as the hotel manager from a little movie known as Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, also a masturdpiece. Anyway, Shriker is the chief of police, and has a penchant for using the word "dude" way too much for a bald, middle-aged police officer.

While in jail, Kersey is also introduced to Manny Fraker. Although Kersey doesn't know it yet, Fraker is the leader of the "Not Equals" - the nefarious gang that killed his friend Charlie. Members of the "Not Equal" Gang can be easily identified by the arithmetic symbol of the same name painted on their foreheads. Obviously, the "Not Equals" are bound by their love for algebra. They are also marked by their unique style of clothing - kind of like refugees from a Pat Benetar video - containing lots of denim, pleather, chains, and multi-colored bandanas wrapped on various extremities.

Speaking of multi-colored: Unlike many of the street gangs present today, the "Not Equals" were a extremely diverse group - kind of like the cast of a really lame McDonald's commercial. Apparently, back in 1985 gangs did not segregate themselves according to ethnicity. However, as society has progressed forward in this area since that time, conversely, street gangs have regressed.

Rounding out the rest of the notable "Not Equal" Gang members are Bill S. Preston, Esquire (from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure), Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, and last but not least, "The Giggler". 

Anyway, the first and most important thing we learn about Fraker is that he always wins. Hmm...something tells me that a leader of a street gang that looks like Howdy Doody with a reverse mohawk has lost at some point in his life.

If not, he will soon enough, because Police Chief Shriker gets a brilliant (and perfectly legal) idea. Turn vigilante killer Paul Kersey loose on a six-block area of New York so riddled with crime it qualifies as a war zone. It also happens to be Fraker and the "Not Equals" home turf.

What ensues is about an hour and ten minutes of Bronson doing what Bronson does best - gunning down young street punks. Lucky for us, it seems in 1985 New York a person can order a .475 Wildey Magnum and a missile launcher by mail. And it doesn't hurt that Kersey's dead friend Charlie was a Korean War veteran who just so happens to have a large stockpile of military grade weaponry in his meager apartment, including a very large Gatling gun.   

Each time another pesky young whippersnapper bites the dust, the formerly peace-loving, primarily elderly inhabitants of the neighborhood become increasingly filled with bloodlust - often cheering and clapping with glee at the death of a young person. Perhaps the best example of this is the scene that forever etched this phrase into the fabric of the American lexicon, "They killed the Giggler!"

Oh sure, just try and pretend you didn't know that one. It's right up there with "Who Killed J.R.?" for crying out loud.

Death Wish 3 also features a sparkling soundtrack by Jimmy Page (yes, that Jimmy Page), complete with a title track that you can just imagine Charles Bronson boogying down to in between takes on the set.

But if Death Wish 3 delivers anything, it delivers people falling out of buildings. In fact, it's quite possible this movie has more people falling out of buildings than any other movie ever made. Basically, if you like people falling out of buildings, this is a movie for you.