American Mustache Institute

Help Bring Back the Youk Manchu!

jesus — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 05:52:00 GMT

During this past weekend's "Saturday Night Live", comedian/host Zach Galifianakis did the mustache community proud by shaving his trademark bushy hobo beard down to a very handsome cookie duster.

Similarly, during last spring's World Baseball Classic, Kevin Youkilis abandoned his goatee and toyed around with a fu manchu that would make the likes of Luis Tiant and Hulk Hogan blush.

Unfortunately, the werewolf gene present in both "The Hangover" star and the Red Sox first baseman keeps them from donning just the lip sweater.

This is where you come in.

The Kevin Youkilis Hits for Kids charity has an interesting proposal over at their website.

Facial Hair Frenzy
Your donation is also your vote! Each dollar equals one vote. Donate $1 and vote once for your favorite facial hair style. Donate $5 and have 5 votes. Enter the dollar amount you wish to donate in the box below. Be sure to input your favorite facial hair look... "Goatee", "Mustache", "Clean Shaven", "Fu Manchu"... in the "company" box on the form that follows!

Could this mean that WE, the card carrying members of The American Mustache Institute, Mustache May celebrants and overall mustache enthusiasts actually have a say in what sort of upper lip accoutrement "The Greek God of Walks" might don this season?

Let's hope so!

Jesus Melendez is the lord and savior of The Hall of Very Good. Feel free to check out his other musings over, um...there.

Mustache March Events Forge On

afroman — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:31:00 GMT

As our good friend Nate "Tank" Heath always reminds us each year at this time, Mustache March is the most wonderful month of the year, celebrated by thousands and thousands of men (and a few special women) around the world who have a true respect for the most elegant of all facial hair types, the mustache.

And as Chicagoans are apt to do, there is a mustache party on the horizon to celebrate the aforementioned Mustache March. On March 31, group of somewhat short-sighted students at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business will hold their second annual mustache contest for....well....University of Chicago students......with all of the wealth that college students have......to raise money for the American Cancer Society.

The American Mustache Institute fully endorses this event, and while we're not quite sure why a charitable event would not be opened to anyone and everyone who would want to join in on such a grand occasion -- so that they could raise as much money as possible -- at least it is for a very good cause, and, as the event flier says, will give "a middle finger to corporate America."

Indeed.

It will be held from 8 - 11 p.m. at Wise Fools Pub at 2270 N. Lincoln Avenue in Chicago. Cost is $5 at the door and a committee of Dave Navarro-hating ladies from the Booth School of Business will be judging the labia sebuculas (Latin for "lip sweaters").

For more information, contact Stephanie Craig at scraig1@chicagobooth.edu or visit the event's Facebook page.

Carry on.

Boston Continues Strong Mustache Commitment with 826 'Stache-A-Thon

afroman — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:29:00 GMT

Boston has always brought the mustache strong. Hell, even the late Brad Delp, lead singer of 1970s and 80s rock band Boston, had a nice cookie dusting machine of petulance across his upper lip.

The newest entry on the Boston lower nose garden scene is "The 826 Boston Moustache-A-Thon," which is being called an epic contest of follicular fortitude. The event kicked off on Monday, February 15th with its rousing 2010 Opening Ceremonies, and for six weeks, 70 brave participants will refuse to shave their upper lips in support of 826 Boston’s free youth writing and tutoring programs for students ages 6-18. Growers include electronic band Passion Pit and comedian Rob Crean, and you can read more about them and the contest on the Moustache-a-Thon blog.

What is 826 Boston? Another worthy American Mustache Institute supported cause.

Located in Roxbury’s Egleston Square, 826 Boston teaches creative and expository writing to students age 6 to 18, and helps teachers inspire their students to write. In 2009, 826 Boston published student writing in The Boston Globe, The New York Times, and in numerous books. This year, 826 Boston’s free writing and tutoring programs will reach over 2,000 students and provide more than 7,500 hours of one-on-one support.

You can help support 826 Boston’s growing community of young writers by growing a large, untamed labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater").

Carry on.

Heavy Mustache Weekend Culminates At Indigo Joe's Mustache Madness Bash

afroman — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:07:00 GMT

As AMI should, our organization often posts about mustache happenings going on about the country, and the weekend beginning Feb. 26 will kick-off a mustache-heavy series of events in St. Louis, which is apropos as the city is home to the world's largest mustache -- the Gateway Arch.

We already told you about the extravaganza that will be TNA Wrestling's "Hogan-Fu Fest on Friday, Feb. 26. The next day, Indigo Joe's Sports Pub & Restaurant in the St. Louis suburb of Wildwood will host the "Mustache Madness Bash," a benefit for children with cancer.

Prizes will be awarded for "Longest Mustache," the "Fullest Mustache," the "Most Unique Mustache," a "Best Peach Fuzz Stache," and for the ladies -- a "Best Costume with a Mustache." Participants are asked to send "before" photos to MustacheMadnessBash@yahoo.com.

The evening will also include live music, one free shot for Mustached Americans, as well as drink specials for all – especially for those wearing one of the fake mustaches that will be given out to everyone coming through the Indigo Joe's door.

For more information or questions, call Indigo Joe's at (636) 458-4900.

Carry on.

AMI to Welcome Hulk Hogan To St. Louis

afroman — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 15:15:00 GMT

Under the American Mustache Institute's new policy, those wishing to transport a fully-bloomed upper lip garment over state lines within 1,000 feet of the world's largest mustache -- St. Louis' Gateway Arch -- must first receive approval from AMI.

Respectfully understanding this rule, Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling recently requested and received permission to bring Hulk Hogan and his fabled Fu Manchu lip sweater to St. Louis for the inaugural “Hogan Fu-Fest”, scheduled for Friday, February 26 at 2 p.m. CT at Mike Shannon’s Steak and Seafood (620 Market Street).. The “Hogan Fu-Fest” will be a gathering of Fu’s from around the world as TNA Wrestling and Hogan attempt to set a world record for the most Fu Manchu’s in one location at one time.

The most robust or creative fu's will win ringside tickets to "TNA Lockdown 2010", the pay-per-view extravaganza from Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, set for Sunday night, April 18 at the Family Arena in nearby St. Charles, Mo.

"The Mustached American community of St. Louis is honored to welcome the world-renowned mustache of the man himself, Hulk Hogan," AMI chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut told Hogan in a recent phone discussion. "Biblical texts suggest that it is indeed a dangerous proposition - on par with hurricanes, tsunamis, or earthquakes - to bring together the two largest mustaches in the world, worn by Hulk Hogan and the Gateway Arch."

The AMI will be honoring the Hulkster at the “Hogan Fu-Fest” for his long-standing upper-lip hair(s).

"The Power of The Fu is unstoppable," Hogan told Dr. Perlut. "The Gateway Arch was fu-turistic when it was built. Today it embodies the spirit of Hulkamaniacs worldwide."

Hogan is personally inviting anyone with a real-life Fu to attend - and also anyone who is creative. “Hogan Fu-Fest” attendees are welcome to draw, build or buy a Fu for the event. TNA Wrestling also will supply fake fu's for those who need one for the event, as TNA is hoping to set a world record at Hogan Fu-Fest.

"Even I will sport a Fu to support Hogan," said TNA Wrestling President Dixie Carter.

Tickets for "TNA Lockdown" go on sale Friday, February 26, at www.MetroTix.com, the Family Arena box office or charge by phone at 314-534-1111. (For more information visit www.TNAWrestling.com.)

For more information about the "Hogan Fu-Fest" call the AMMI at 877-STACHE-1 or call Mike Shannon’s Steak and Seafood at (314) 421-1540.

Carry on.

Support Link

afroman — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 14:59:00 GMT

There are many Links out there. The Missing Link, as well as our favorite -- "Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp." After all, who doesn't like primates with mustaches?

Then, there's Link Neal of Rhett & Link, the moderately amusing, pro-mustache, North Carolina-based comedy duo. And yes, while Link has the same John Edwards-fashioned haircut worn by 94 percent of the greater Raleigh-metropolitan area that is law in the Triangle Region, he does not deserve the harsh criticism being hurled at him by the propaganda-pushing, leftist, clean-shaven mortal community that is unwilling to comprehend nor embrace the Mustached American way of life.

While Link is not of Mustached American heritage, he has seen the light over the past year. Indeed, witnessing his virility drop at a perilous rate, he turned to the American Mustache Institute to carefully craft and develop Mustached American capabilities. Through our work over the past year, Link developed a cookie dusting implement of lip warmth, improved his good looks by 42 percent, and boosted his virility 68 percent thus saving his marriage.

But there has been backlash by the Rhett & Link followers. As Link recently wrote to AMI:

Being as I am an internetainer, my face is a public matter. And, as it turns out, an updated configuration of my facial hair is quite the grounds for controversy and conversation. Of course I anticipated feedback. But I did not anticipate that the vast majority of it would be negative. And I am deeply troubled that in the eyes of many, I am now associated with (a) actors in films noted for dubious content or (b) men who should not be allowed near playgrounds. As a modest man and father of three, this deeply troubles me.

For those of us in the Mustached American community, this is troubling. Not that Link's labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") is being associated with pornographic actors -- as we take pride in that. But we have lived a life rife with discrimination, and while we would like to pretend it doesn't hurt, it indeed leaves a scar that can have a lasting impact.

We ask to you view this video, in which Link discusses the feedback he has received, and then this video, in which you'll notice Link reduced his original Horseshoe-style cookie duster to
a Chevron-style mustache.

Don't let these vast volumes of criticism is take their toll on Link. He needs to hear from you -- Mustached Americans -- in support of his flavor saving lifestyle the benefits it will provide him for years to come. Comment on the videos, or through the Rhett & Link Facebook page. Sound-off.

Do not let down Link, nor our way of life.

Carry on.

A Mustached Perspective on Super Bowl XXXXIV

afroman — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:59:00 GMT

Super Bowl XXXXIV has come and gone.

And while you know we would rather see it on a Saturday night, so that we would not have to be stumbling through our offices this morning, it was a least a relatively interesting match up between the Saints and Colts.

But the Mustached American has a different perspective than our clean-shaven counterparts, so we offer our thoughts on what was somewhat of a disappointing Super Bowl broadcast.

Thank you to the good people at Emerald Nuts and Pop Secret for being one of the few, if only, advertisers to feature a person of Mustached American descent wearing a cape.
CBS excels at shameless promotion.
The NFC has won the coin flip 13 straight times.
Not only were those six-inch heels Carrie Underwood was wearing a bit disturbing, in all of her Christian aura, but the girl is clearly due for a set of implants. It's coming.
Jim Nance is incapable of expressing enthusiasm which is why he keeps a mime in his bedroom to express excitement for him during sex.
We had great anticipation for the Tim Tebow pro-life commercial, and instead what we got was closeups of his mother's disturbing manicure.
And the ads in general -- typically the highlight of the broadcast -- were the worst ever. Bud Light has lost its soul and now could not find funny in a pair of Eddie Murphy's silk underpants from the 1980s.
Taco Bell has always been a supporter of the Mustached American way of life. But despite his debonair pencil thin, Charles Barkley has never looked so thick and juicy and should never be shown in public rapping again.
Never has a Super Bowl had so many players with names that represent regions: Austin Collie, Dallas Clark, Roman Harper, Reggie Bush.
Two Manhattans, three beers, and four slices of pizza are perhaps the perfect sustenance for a football game.

Carry on.

Roller Chicks Who Dig The 'Stache

afroman — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:20:00 GMT

Mustached Americans dig chicks. We especially dig chicks who dig mustaches. And and chicks on wheels who dig mustaches -- Good Lord!

One group of hot, dirty, and relatively delicious of chicks who have great appreciation for people of Mustached American descent are the The Smashinistas, a team in the St. Louis based all-female roller derby league Arch Rival Roller Girls.

The Smashinistas are such lovers of the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") that the team quasi-mascot is a mustache -- Smashie Stachie. That does not suck.

This Saturday, February 6, in their second game of the season, The Smashinistas will face off against the equally delicious, yet not as nutritious team -- The M-80s. The match will be held at the Upper Deck Sports Bar in St. Louis and promises a tremendous amount of girl-on-girl action.....which does not suck.

Tickets are $10 and kids under ten are free. Afterward, the league hosts a party with the teams with high quality drink and food specials throughout the entire gig.

Tickets are available at the door or via Brown Paper tickets.

Carry on.

New Interview with "Badass" Author

afroman — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:13:00 GMT

From actors to major league baseball players to TV hosts to pathetically worthless musicians (Dave Navarro) to authors -- the American Mustache Institute has sought to use its Montly Mustache Interview feature to bring you a ridiculous string of discussions with a broad group of people.

This time around we speak to a new AMI favorite -- author Ben Thompson whose best-selling pamphlet "Badass" is a must read if you appreciate the badass peoples of earth which of course includes -- and is currently led by -- Mustached Americans.

See our interview with Ben HERE.

Carry on.

AMI Renews Push to Move Super Bowl to Saturday

afroman — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:54:00 GMT

As we do each year at this time, and with the Super Bowl set for next Sunday in Miami, this week the American Mustache Institute renews its push to move the Super Bowl to Saturday. While you can view our white paper and video on this issue here on our site, let us lay out our argument for you, and at the end of this post we urge you to follow the link to our online petition.

The Argument

Football in the United States has become an essential part of our national fabric. Athletes are heroes to the young and old and games have become American traditions on par with apple pie, political polarization, or cell phone-induced distracted driving.

The Super Bowl has arguably evolved into the pinnacle moment on America's sports calendar. It has become a sports holiday. But like most great traditions, is there a way to make it even better? Indeed there is.

Without question, the NFL should to move the Super Bowl to Saturday.

Yes, purists may argue it would be heretical to hold the Super Bowl on any day but Sunday, but it's hardly unprecedented to alter a sports tradition.

Consider the Super Bowl was once held in January, and not February as it is today. The World Series and NBA Championship were for decades daytime events that have since been banished to a time-slot somewhere near Letterman so that 10-year-olds can't watch their heroes. Major League Baseball added wild card teams, giving its playoffs a dimension that creates broader interest. And the NFL just moved its Pro Bowl to the week before the Super Bowl for the first time since its inception.

It is clear that great sports traditions can clearly be altered if there is value in doing so. And in a survey by the American Mustache Institute of its 2,000-plus members, nearly 80 percent said they would support moving the Super Bowl to Saturday.

There are both economic and social reasons supporting such a move.

Kids could stay up later to see their heroes compete in the big game.
Super Bowl would become grander events, providing more social interaction, which often gets left behind in today's hurried society.
Party hosts would buy more food and beverages to accommodate grander events, thus benefiting grocery stores and other merchants.
More non-sports fans would attend these parties, enjoying greater social interaction with their friends, because they would no longer have to work the next day.
And without work the next day, hosts could relax a bit more, enjoy the game and good company of their guests, feeling less pressure to clean up that night.
If more non-football fans are watching, the networks gain more overall viewers, translating into their ability to charge more for advertising.
Restaurants and bars may have a steady flow of business on Sunday nights, but just imagine the immense traffic and revenues from a truly Super Saturday.
As the NFL seeks to globalize the game, the game would end at an earlier, more reasonable time (the Super Bowl currently ends at 5 a.m. in some European countries).
Finally, we must consider the issue of productivity in the workplace. Employers won't have to deal with employees strolling in late for work because they stayed up late watching the Super Bowl.

Much like holding a playoff for the NCAA Division I college football national championship or bringing back the TV show "ALF," moving the Super Bowl to Saturday seems like one of those changes that is such an obvious improvement, that you wonder why it's never been done before.

Join us in petitioning the National Football League to move the Super Bowl to Saturday HERE.

Carry on.

Governor John Hoeven: Save our Race

afroman — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:21:00 GMT

Today on our partner site Asylum.com, I recount the tragic deaths in the Mustached communites during the past year and make a special plea to the great Mustached American and North Dakota Governor -- and U.S. Senate hopeful -- John Hoeven (pictured at right).

Palombo's Mustache Shines Like Freedom on Guilford College Campus

afroman — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:44:00 GMT

On Saturday, January 16, more than 1,000 Guilford College fans filed into the schools basketball arena, Regan-Brown Field House, to watch their Quakers take on the Virginia Wesleyan Marlins in a battle to stand atop the Old Dominion Athletic Conference.

Guilford was led into battle by 7th-year coach Tom Palombo who, among other things, is known for having a strong game plan, a high quality collection of soft-core primate pornography, and his longstanding flavor saving instrument of justice that rests upon his upper lip like a Spring morning's gentle dew.

Palombo’s "Chevron" style labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") and his dapper purple dress shirts have become things of legend around the Guilford campus, and for the first time Quaker fans had the opportunity to honor his immaculate lower nose bushel.

And while there were accusations from the administration, faculty, and the dwarf that sleeps behind The Ragsdale House that "Tom Palombo Mustache Day" was an idea driven by Palombo's mustache itself and its self-aggrandized interests to gain national acclaim as an industry-leading cookie duster, it was instead the students that drove this holiday of mass proportions.

Wisely, the event was pre-approved by the American Mustache Institute and inspired by similar celebratory events held by the New York Yankees for Jason Giambi, the New York Mets for Keith Hernandez, the Anaheim Ducks for George Parros, and the producers of "The Golden Girls" for the late Estelle Getty. Fans received free, good-looking mustaches as they entered the gates, and "Tom Palombo Mustache Day" was a joyous occasion for drunken students, red-heads, contradictory right-wing Christians, and Nicaraguan refugees alike.

Indeed, more than 350 mustaches were distributed to the crowd and fans and Quaker-haters wore them together in unision in support of the great sacrifices made by the Mustached American people on behalf of all Americans. A student mustache competition was held which awarded the best natural and fake mustaches that the students could grow or create from barley and armpit hair. And Utah-born polygamist and backup center Justin Stafford -- who many of his friends believe came of out the womb with a full beard -- even grew out a mouth curtain of his own for the occasion (rumored to be so powerful that it rivaled the mastery of Palombo himself).

In the end, the Quakers -- led by the Palombo nose drapings -- defeated the Marlins 71-56, proving once again that there is no greater performance enhancer than the mustache.

Carry on.

The Significance of Dr. King

afroman — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:51:00 GMT

This past Monday, amateur Southern historians and racism enthusiasts in Richmond, Virginia, celebrated Confederate army generals Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. In Richmond this contradictory holiday is known as "Lee, Jackson, King Day."

The rest of the nation –- the relatively sane, non-Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson part of the nation -- solely paid homage to the aforementioned "King," which of course is the civil rights pioneer Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dr. King, of course, was best known as the iconic martyr who led the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott and helped found the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957.

And aside from being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to end racial segregation and discrimination through civil disobedience, in the Mustached American community, Dr. King played a role that has gone largely unreported and unappreciated.

Indeed, it has been well documented that after the 1970s, the mustache nearly became extinct in American society. Why was that?

Well, because of Americans’ discomfort in discussing matters of race, only half the story has been told.

It is true that beginning in 1981, white America – feeling the mustache was out of vogue and that it should be left as a relic of the disco era -- left the mustache behind along with such cultural relics as turtlenecks, perms and Jimmy Carter’s dignity.

Black America, however, did not. The mustache continued to be a signature accoutrement among black men of all ages. And this was a direct result of black leaders -- namely, the likes of Dr. King, Medgar Evers and Malcolm X, all of whom were people of Mustached American descent.

So this week, when you think of everything Dr. King accomplished – from his civil rights leadership to opposing the Vietnam War – remember that when he was assassinated on that dark day on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee, America was robbed of more than just a great American.

We were robbed of a great Mustached American.

Carry on.

Are You Man Enough?

afroman — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 20:41:00 GMT

The following cartoon was created by Phil McAndrew who's work can be found here. Support this mustache-loving artist and make a small donation to him here.

Screw Global Warming, We've Got Cats.

Jessi — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:24:00 GMT

It has just been brought to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that on top of terrorist threats, never-ending climate change and a new decade, Americans now must face the fact that their ordinary housecats will outlive them.

TheOnion.com posted this mind-boggling article earlier this week which raises a whole new series of questions about just how protected we are against our cat counterparts. The article states that a seemingly normal cat, Socrates, is not merely unable, but refuses to die, "despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure." Cats have now learned the ancient secrets of immortality and should be approached with caution.

Post-apocalyptic life may not be restricted to A.I-esque robots as previously thought. Now, felines may take the stage for a new kind of intelligent species. Life expectancy in cats has gone from 4-6 years to 12-18 and with that kind of exponential growth, everyone should take a note of concern.

Emily Pressman, Socrates' owner, says "I don't know what I'd do without him," before adding "besides not have a cat anymore." This is what we here at AMI urge our readers to do. Get rid of your cats. Put them outdoors and keep them there, if it means boarding up your windows as if you were suddenly an extra on Dawn of the Dead. This new report means they may outlive you, but at least they won't turn you into one of them, a la Cat Woman.

If you have any questions about what to do when faced with an immortal tabby, do not hesitate to email or call AMI, or run to the nearest bomb-shelter. They still make those, right? Furthermore, if you see a cat wielding a sword, summon The Highlander as soon as you are able. A fellow immortal will know just what to do.

Be well and be safe.

A Reexamination of the Beard

aperlut — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:15:00 GMT

It is a new year, and as we all do at the dawn of a fresh 365 days, it is a time to resolve ourselves to reform, improvement, excelling in areas in which we previously failed, develop even greater levels of mustache-driven good looks, and reducing our hatred of Dave Navarro.

But as we cannot minimize our disdain for the worthless Navarro, as the chairman of this austere organization, I believe it is time to reexamine our priorities for the next decade beginning with our longstanding position on beards.

As American Mustache Institute loyalists, former U.N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and Gavin McInnes have come to understand, in the past AMI has dismissed beards as a "spousal compromise." Our position has been that the beard represented the halfway meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven, and the sheer, unbridled power of the Mustached American.

However, upon deeper thought, prayer, and discussions with members of the U.S. beard community and former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, while I still consider the goatee constitutes this plateau of pathetic weakness and nuanced hipster metrosexuality -- where your spouse, girlfriend or life partner suggests they cannot deal with the vast awesomeness of the mustache but that a goatee is acceptable -- I believe the beard to represent an equal level of facial hair commitment, strength, and power as does the sexually adventuresome Mustached American lifestyle.

As a symbol of my commitment to this new viewpoint and my willingness to extend an olive branch to the beard community, I have grown a beard so that for the time being I can live the life of a bearded American and understand the lifestyle, concerns, challenges and flavor saveability.

I sincerely hope that my bearded brethren will take this new commitment at face value, and work with the American Mustache Institute on forging new bonds in creating a "big tent" for peoples with facial hair worldwide.

Carry on.

Ryan McKee Is The Enemy

afroman — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 16:31:00 GMT

I normally play nice with my teammates. I normally do. However, today I do not.

As the 12.3 readers of this blog know, I write for Asylum.com. I value the relationships I have built there with solid citizens like smooth looking Latin lover wanna-be Anthony Layser and his jheri curl magic, Brian Childs and his debonair lip sweater, or Emily McCombs who has lovely, bountiful bosoms and speaks here of enjoying sex with Mustached Americans.

The privilege of writing for Asylum affords me the opportunity to deliver the Mustached American message to a broader community, and I have great appreciation for that. However, Asylum trend investigator Ryan McKee (pictured here at right) must go as there is no place for his discriminatory manifesto.

McKee, who's formal training according to Popular Crippled Midget Monthly is in douchebaggery, recently published a piece for AskMen.com called "Moustaches: 5 Things You Didn't Know." He started off the piece by writing:

Today, only ironic hipsters and women who have given up wear moustaches. The lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement. However, the Brillo Pad lip has a long and storied past dating back to prehistoric times. There are still groups who celebrate the moustache without irony. Documentaries and books are being devoted to the subject and world competitions glorify those who sport them. While most men are too busy mocking the moustaches, AskMen.com has been busy collecting fascinating trivia facts about them.

So let me offer a few thoughts on Mr. McKee's observations and on him as a whole:

We find it, well, ironic, that an ironic hipster douchebag like McKee, would suggest that only "ironic hipsters" are wearing mustaches.
It's fascinating that he claims to know that "women who have given up" are also wearing mustaches, as McKee's only contact with females comes when his step-mother tucks him into bed in the the double-wide they share in rural New Jersey.
"...lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement?" Sure, for douchebag ironic hipsters who have little else to do than attend Northwest Jersey Chess Club meetings or masturbate to 17-year-old faded Carol Alt posters in the room inside the double-wide he shares with his step-mother.
Only communists and equine prostate examiners spell mustache in the Olde English manner of "mOustache."
Yes, most men -- all 13 of you in that Northwest Jersey Chess Club -- might be too busy mocking mustaches, but that's because people of Mustached American descent know better than to associate with douchebag hipsters with haircuts they dream up by looking at online tee-shirt websites.

There are, as you write, still groups like the American Mustache Institute, Movember, Beard Team USA or hundreds of blogs including Asylum, USA Today's PopCandy, JoeSportsFan, HallOfVeryGood, TheCheapPop, and others who revere and "celebrate without irony" the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"). And indeed documentaries like the "Glorius (sic) Mustache Challenge" and books like our friend Jon Chattman's "Sweet 'Stache" book which devote themselves to the sexually adventuresome Mustached American lifestyle.

But it's a Mustached American thing. You would not understand as you are a newly sworn enemy of the flavor saving republic.

So we suggest Mr. McKee, that when you next attempt to write on things about which you know next to nothing because you do not have the good looks, moral fortitude, virility, nor physical capability to do so -- please, take a pass. Instead, stick with things you know like collecting Muppets figurines, playing remote online video gaming with other nerds at 3 a.m., masturbating to comic books, fixing drain pipes in mom's double-wide, and of course, playing chess.

Carry on.

R.I.P. Mustached American Friend

afroman — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:35:00 GMT

J. Jody Jones, a member of the Quarter Draw Band as a bassist player, singer, and producer, as well as one of the true nice guys who played the second ‘Stache Bash in 2007 -- passed away peacefully in his sleep on Thursday morning, Dec. 18, 2009, from pancreatic cancer.

As his bandmate and brother in mustache Marty Richter wrote of Jody, “It was a privilege to know Jody and to play music with him. He will be missed. A lot.”

A resident of Wood River, IL, Jody listed his age as “old enough to remember Howdy Doody and Hopalong Cassidy.” After seeing the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964, he talked his folks into buying him a six string acoustic guitar, which he promptly modified into a four-string bass. The first song he learned to play was Bill Doggett’s 1956 classic, “Honky Tonk.”

Jody played in numerous bands over the years – country bands, blues bands, hard rock bands, classic rock bands, top forty lounge bands, horn bands, even a grunge band. He played in a country band in England, a lounge band in Colorado, blues and pickup bands in Florida, and what had to have been one of the only hard rock bands in the Persian Gulf in the 70s. His first band, the Jagged Edge, played the old Collinsville Ballroom in the 60’s.

Always self-effacing and affable, Jody described his style as “holding down the bottom ... just keepin’ it ‘tween the lines, in the groove.” He could play any style, from walking honky tonk two-steps to blues shuffles to rock, and was a gifted harmony and lead vocalist. He also was the primary producer and engineer for Quarter Draw Band’s studio material. He truly was the heart and soul of QDB.

Jody was a Vietnam veteran, and worked as a maintenance instructor for an airline. At his request, there will be no service for a few months. We’ll provide more information when we have it.

Saved By a (Furry, Upper-lip) Hair: An iPhone Tale

Jessi — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:21:00 GMT

STEP ONE: BREAK PHONE
It all started with a concrete floor. One fateful slip of the hand and my brand new iPhone crashed and burned. I’ve dropped many a phone in my day but this was the Apocalypse of phone mishaps. The screen shattered and waves of regret surfaced for mocking those protective iPhone cases.

STEP TWO: RESEARCH
Immediately I took advantage of the Interwebs and was contacted by iResQ.com, a site which had previously been recommended to me by a friend. Not strangers to mustaches or technology, this is a company I can really get behind. Their blog mentions John Oates and ’staches on several occasions but the deciding factor was a blog post entitled “RIP Jeff’s Mustache.” Sold. Even though my phone is only a month old I’ve heard Apple stores would still charge me unless I could think of a way to convince them it was the phone’s fault. Somehow I don’t think they would be persuaded that the iPhone conspired to jump from my hands or that it somehow tazered me and I flung it away from myself in self defense. My choice is clear. Jeff’s mustache > Apple Store.

STEP THREE: GAME TIME DECISION
After an amiable email convo with Sales Rep Brian, a mustache fan and all around upstanding citizen (i.e. a Mizzou grad), the deal was on. Like a parent sending her child to kindergarten, by 6 pm Monday I had mailed my injured iPhone off to Kansas. Thus began my radio silence. Arguably the worst part about the whole process: going phoneless until yours returns safely to you. I discovered my iPhone was more like an extra limb than previously thought and it was hard to coordinate things like directions (to and from the UPS Store). Without the GPS my phone so lovingly provided, I found myself frustratingly lost in what I call the “iPhone Blackout of 2009.” Lest I become a hermit and never venture out again, iResQ’s 24 hour turnaround deserves two thumbs up.

STEP FOUR: PHONE REPAIR
Luckily, by noon the next day I was emailed by the iResQ team to assure me my phone had arrived and no shady business was going down. Also provided with a job number, there was nothing to do but wait. Overall their customer service was handled well at every step of the game. They save you the trip of taking off work, wading through Mall traffic and standing in line at the Apple store for hours, but if you don’t have a backup phone, as previously mentioned, you’re *** out of luck.

The entire process was very simple, kind of like refurbishing for dummies.
-If you aren’t sure if what you have is an iPod, iPhone, Portable, PSP, or desktop, the website provides step-by-step visuals for selecting the services you need.
-If you feel brave, they also offer a DIY kit. (Fair warning, there are no directions provided so you should be pretty damn tech savvy to try to put together a digitizer yourself).
-If you don’t know what the hell is wrong with your iPhone, send it to them anyway and they’ll call you back pending a diagnostic test and let you know the problem.
-If you don’t want to fix it, so be it. They’ll even recycle it for you.

Once you choose what you want, prices and shipping are revealed.

STEP FIVE: TRIUMPHANT RETURN
At 4:30pm on Tuesday, UPS alerted me that my package was on it’s way back to me. Wednesday morning’s ETA of 9:15am had me obsessively anticipating the arrival of my precious cargo. The phone didn’t actually arrive until 2:30pm but when that moment came it was glorious. My iPhone’s premature face-lift paid off. Playboy spread to be determined.

The MVP of this whole process was UPS, using the tracking number iResQ provided me at every turn. Without them I would have been under the impression that my phone was halfway to Mexico and never coming back. As for price, though, iPhone repairs online are all over the board, some as low as 24.99 and some higher than 200.00. In store, there is no guarantee Apple will fix it for less than 79.00, which is iResQ’s holiday outer screen repair rate without shipping. So not the lowest price but certainly not the highest, at least you know their price is guaranteed before you send your phone away.

YAY OR NAY:
It’s obvious these techies know what they are talking about and they back it up with great customer service. This being my first time fixing my infant iPhone I have no modes of comparison, but I give iResQ a ’stache of approval.
–

*THIS CONTEST HAS REACHED ITS CAPACITY AND IS NOW CLOSED.

The first 10 people to contact mick@iresq.com with AMI2009 as your subject will receive free 2-way overnight shipping with any repair service.

REO's Cronin Dishes in New AMI Interview

afroman — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Yes, just in time for the holidays the American Mustache Institute brings you yet another installment of its award-winning interview series the Monthly Mustache Interview.

This time around we talk to Kevin Cronin, lead singer of REO Speedwagon, who dishes on everything from his vinyl pants, to the band's new video game (which we've played and is pretty solid), to his HATRED -- repeat, HATRED -- of mustaches.

But don't hate him for that. Love him for his new blonde "do."

Read the interview with Cronin, who is a solid guy, here on the interview page.

Carry on.

Cage Returning With Surefire Oscar Fare

afroman — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:07:00 GMT

If there are three things we like beyond mustaches here at the American Mustache Institute -- it's strippers, violence, and Nic Cage.

But then, who doesn't?

Regardless, we were pleased -- thrilled even -- to learn that Cage has a new film forthcoming in April 2010 that looks like surefire Oscar fare. And as we are certain this celluloid vehicle from Cage will kick-ass, we were comforted that the film itself is titled, well, "Kick-Ass."

And why does it kick-ass? There are a number of reasons, chief of which, of course, is that his Damon Macready character in the film sports a well coiffed upper lip garment, which does not suck.

Here's the story: Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed high school student and comic book fan with a few friends and who lives alone with his father. His life is not very difficult and his personal trials not that overwhelming. However, one day he makes the simple decision to become a super-hero even though he has no powers or training. Where Cage's Macready character fits into it, we do not know, nor does it matter.

But ou can read more about the flick and see a clip from it in Jordan Hoffman's post on the UGO Movie Blog.

Carry on.

Ultimate Holiday Gift -- SEX-CONFIDENT

afroman — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:25:00 GMT

In 2004, Rhode Island-based photographer Ricky Chapman was sitting in his father-in-law's tool shed masturbating to the notion of making sweet, passionate love to Janice, the lead guitarist for The Electric Mayhem, the Muppet Show house band.

He was almost finished rubbing it out when an idea popped into his mind. He lost it his momentum, but an idea was spawned -- The Moustache Calendar was imagined as a means to fund a trip to Hawaii to find Janice, who reportedly was living in Maui.

The first edition, "Moustaches and Soulpatches," featured a group of bible college students whose moustaches ranging from thick and healthy to a variety of barely there "dirt 'staches" as Chapman puts it.

Since then The Moustache Calendar has become an annual rite, much like Ramadan is for Muslims. It has evolved into an annual publication dedicated to bringing moustache aficianados the best in moustache attitude, sex appeal, and style.

As Chapman -- who is closely affiliated with the Rhode Island School of Design and has made the trek to attend AMI's annual 'Stache Bash in St. Louis -- would later tell us, "No matter the length, size, thickness, or trim - a moustache begins in the heart."

In appreciation of the the American Mustache Institute and its mission, The Moustache Calendar is offering a 15 percent-off coupon for members and friends. Simply visit the calendar website and enter the coupon code "AMI2009" to get 15 percent off your order of SEX-CONFIDENT: The 2010 Moustache Calendar.

The coupon code is good until Dec. 25, and all orders placed before Dec. 18 will ship in time for Christmas, so let's fill some heavily moustached stockings, pronto.

Carry on.

FOX Sports' Rose Crosses Line

afroman — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:42:00 GMT

Last night on FOX's BCS Results Show, instead of focusing on the worthless nature of the BCS and the lack of a college playoff system, host Chris Rose suggested that Texas quarterback Colt McCoy would be better off mustache-free. Today, AMI took this issue up with Fox Sports president David Hill.

Mr. Hill,

Greetings and Happy Holidays from the American Mustache Institute (AMI), although I wish I could be writing you regarding a more pleasant subject.

Last night on Fox's erstwhile BCS Results Show, fledgling host Chris Rose suggested that Colt McCoy -- the University of Texas quarterback who is a former Mustached American having grown a "unity" mustache last summer -- would be better served to not revive his lower nose garment for the BCS National Championship Game.

In short, Mr. Rose suggested that Texas could not defeat Alabama if McCoy were to grow a labia sebucula, which as you know is Latin for "lip sweater."

And while we assume the bare-lipped Mr. Rose found his own remarks to be of some witty value, people of Mustached American descent did not. We were shaking our collective mouth brows in disgust. Mr. Rose's comments were indeed insensitive, and thoroughly offensive as it subconsciously suggested that members of the Mustached American community were incapable of great leadership at starling moments of time.

Clearly, we understand that Mr. Rose is incapable of understanding the challenges and virtues of the Mustached American lifestyle as he suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD), which plagues 18.5 percent of American men. And because of this ignorance, he cannot comprehend the robust athletic capabilities of a Mustached American -- just ask Mark Spitz, Mike Schmidt, Hulk Hogan, Conrad Dobler, or film director John Waters.

We would request that Mr. Rose, while wearing a fake mustache on Fox's airwaves, make an apology to the Mustached American community for his insensitive remarks. We would also suggest he seek counseling in the form of sensitivity training from a Certified Mustacheologist, which AMI can supply if necessary.

Again, sorry to write you on such a disturbing matter, and we hope that you take swift, brutal action in remedying this situation.

Carry on.

Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman

Chief Executive Officer

The American Mustache Institute

(877) STACHE-1

Give a Little Mustache Love this Holiday Season

Jessi — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:57:00 GMT

Movember has ended and we now find ourselves in the month of religious consumerism: December. It's time to give back to those men (and a few women) who sport a mustache year round. I like to think of them as facial evergreens. Behold, a gathering of holiday mustache gifts, for anyone and everyone.

I am one to appreciate a good mustache and when it's cold outside my upper lip longs for some sort of covering. But I am unable to grow one myself, short of a monthly injection of high testosterone doses. What can I say, I hate needles. Luckily Santa's elves subscribe to my struggle. Peter Ibruegger has created the ultimate collection for the coffee-stache obsessed. Mustache mugs. At 20 bones a pop, it may take a while to acquire all of them but it will be well worth it. Now I can look distinguished while fueling my body with copious amounts of caffeine. Well played. (Also see 'Stache Pint)

Someone has been reading my diary. TheFrisky.com has a gallery just for mustache accessories "to make a man out of you." Ranging from mustache rings to a soda 'stache, these amusing gifts will put a little hair on your chest. Or wherever.

Because of the mass appeal of mustached men, there may be an availability shortage for single women wanting to date them. Never fear, ladies, you can lay your head down next to this Mr. Mustache pillow. Comes complete with interchangeable mustaches for when you two have a fight and you need to pretend he is someone else.

Don't think I would leave out babies. Who doesn't want their toddler to resemble Pubert from the Addams Family? Apparently the Swedes put mustaches on their kids as a rule. In any case, mustache crayons will get your mini-me off on the right foot.

For the comic fiend or those besotted with John Oates (which is everyone) check out J-Stache, "a kick-ass mustache." Says J-Stache: "I made Hall & Oates famous. Yeah, I get high. Yeah, I know your girlfriend. Do I write hits? You bet bitches." A gift to make your mother proud.

If you are feeling a bit lazy and want to stick with the traditional key chain or T-shirt gift, make sure you try out these mustache novelty items because they are witty enough to make up for your lack of effort. Also this shirt if you have a hankering to look like a combination of the Monopoly Man and the Pringles guy.

Charity is another big part of the holiday season. (Right up there with chugging wine at the family dinner table and smuggling leftovers so you don't have to buy groceries.) So do something good for sufferers of bare upper lip syndrome and gift them this mustache self-portrait mirror so they can have the illusion of being studly.

For those of you who are already sporting a mustache but have a tendency to become disheveled, purchase this switchblade mustache comb and instantly increase your chances of getting laid.

Last but not least, for the canine love of your life, stuff Fido's stocking with a dog toy mustache to enhance his burliness. Sidenote: This doesn't work for cats and were they to grow a mustache you would have proof that they are getting smarter and thus should be afraid.

That's quite the collection and should cover all the bases. Feel free to post any of your mustache gift ideas in the comments.

Remember to tip your waiter and hug a mustached man today. Happy Holidays.

The Full Interview: Zavada Reflects on Goulet

afroman — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:47:00 GMT

We have posted our latest Monthly Mustache Interview with Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada, who of course won the 2009 "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award at 'Stache Bash 2009.

Unlike shortened versions you may have seen on ESPN and other places of this interview, this version is the "Full Monte."

Watch it here.

Carry on.