American Mustache Institute

ESPN.com Chat with Perlut

afroman — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:12:00 GMT

ESPN.com was wise enough to welcome Dr. Perlut in to chat with the online audience. Below is a transcript.

Welcome to The Show! On Thursday, Dr. Aaron Perlut, executive director of the American Mustache Institute (AMI) will stop by to chat about mustaches in sports.

Perlut has appeared a few times on ESPN's First Take, discussing the benefits of mustaches in sports. He's a founding member of the AMI and has had mustaches on and off since age seven. He has experienced first hand the discrimination against mustached Americans when he was not allowed to participate in youth football due to concerns by league organizers who believed his mustache would provide him with an unfair advantage against the other seven-year-olds.

The AMI will be holding Stache Bash 2008 toward the end of October, where the Robert Goulet Mustache of the Year award will be given out. The Bash helps support Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for kids with disabilities.

Send in your questions now and join Perlut at 2 p.m. ET on Thursday!

MORE
Previous chat guests | SportsNation index

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Thank you to all the mustached Americans and those of you without mustaches, consider yourselves lucky!

Brad (Gadsden,Alabama): Aaron, Who has the best stache of all-time?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: I can only speak for myself, but I would say Al Hrabosky or Billy Dee Wiliams for his smoothness.

Javier (St. Louis, MO): How can I get that metallic sheen that the arch here exudes so brilliantly in my own mustache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Consume vast quanities of beer and watch many reruns of Different Strokes!

Gary (Phoenix): What's the ruling on using product in your stache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: There's been much debate about this in the mustache community as there were hundreds of upset Mustached Americans when Keith Hernandez won the Best Sports Mustache Contest last year. AMI falls out here: any mustache - enhanced or not - is a good mustache.

elmo, NYC: I like to pursue a life of challenge, novelty and change. Is a mustache a good idea for me?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: It depends upon your long-term commitment, as when you shave a mustache, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. So if you want to grow and keep it - yes. If that is not your plan, hold until you feel you have the long term commitment.

Borat: Has anyone ever told you that you look like me?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: They have, and it is an honor sir. Carry on.

Lisa (TN): My husband has a stache, but I don't like it when he kisses me with it...do I have the right to ask him to shave?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Tolerance is a virtue my dear. Remember the power of the Mustached American and let us never speak of this again.

Bill (Chicago): What went into naming the stache award after Robert Goulet?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: We felt Goulet was a great American with a long-term commitment to the Mustached people. Plus, he sadly passed and we felt this was a way to honor his great memory and that of his mustache.

River (NYC): Is any mustache a good mustache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Yes, even for swimmers River. Carry on.

Carl Weathers: What about me man??

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Carl, we loved you in "Action Jackson" and think you are a great American. Thank you for training Rocky in # 3, and for talking trash to Mr. T.

Ramon from Clayton, MO: The AMI website saved my life. Finding a community of mustached Americans has given me the confidence to try to grow a mustache for the first time in my life. However, in the process, I have found that I suffer from the rare bare upper lip disorder (BULD). Could Mr. Perlut comment on whether a nose hair comb-over is still a mustache or should I consider hair plugs for my upper lip. It's important that I know.

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Ramon, if that is your real name - that is a great question. Nose hair is a good thing. WE normally blend it with mustache hair to make the mustache fuller. Use what you have. It's all about effort.

Mike (NJ): Who has the best lip candy in sports today?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: I'm a Hulk Hogan fan, and I also appreciate that he is redefining celebrity divorce for us all to gawk at.

Paul (Lorain, OH): What are your feelings about a prank involving shaving a friends mustache while sleeping?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Paul, if anyone from AMI is ever in Lorain, OH, we will hunt you down and execute you.

Will Ferrel: GOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU-LEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT

Dr. Aaron Perlut: One thousand one, one thousand two....it's the pleats in the pants. Great story, compelling and rich.

Joe (Huntsville,AL): I know steroids are a big deal in sports now, what are your thoughts on using a Rogain like product to enhance stache growth?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Keep this in mind - the mustache itself is the ultimate performance enhancer as Mr. Giambi has learned. As for Rogain - the more the hairier.

Bobby from Bloomington, IN: How does the mustache guy think ESPN reporters and anchors rate in terms of mustache-worthiness?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: We are working with ESPN as we speak to increase the number of Mustached Americans who report on-air and who clean the restrooms on the ESPN campus. They need and up-tick, no doubt. Thank you for your good work Ed Werder....

J-rok! (Kansas): For some reason I can't grow a nice mustache. It's always what they call the "trash stache". Being 27 and still unable to grow a good one is there anything you suggest to help me out?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: My friend, you suffer from what's called Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD). Just remember - you can still do your part by applauding for Mustached Americans as they walk past you and for publicly castigating those without lip sweaters.

Zach : Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria...best archduked stache ever? Greatest Empire Mustache ever?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Zach, you are clearly a Communist. Don't ever chat on this page again.

Rick: Will a mosutashe enhanse my sexual power?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Rick, your spelling is imaculate. Are we related? And don't ever put a "u" in the word "mustache" again. What is this place filled with - commies?

Dan (Detroit): Who has the best stache of all time in sports? Rollie Fingers?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Fingers is good. Hrabosky is brilliant. And as a D-town guy, you have plenty of hometown stars to love. See the '84 Tigers team photo.

Chris (MD): What do you have planned for the Stache Bash 2008?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Mustaches, beer consumption, live music, lovely women, beer consumption, mustaches, and no people of Dutch descent. We hate the Dutch. Can't trust 'em.

Joe (Huntsville,AL): Was Tom Selleck considered a Benedict Arnold when he shaved his stache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Our research director, Dan Callahan, was rushed to the hospital. You can read about it on the history section of our page. It was a shameful day indeed.

Jerry (from Maryland): Who do you support for president?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Bob Barr, the first mustached American candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948. But you knew that.

K. Lee (right here): OK, never have been able to grow a decent stache, in my opinion. How can I overcome this? any exercises? Certain foods? Anything?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Another sufferer of Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD). I would suggest this: drink John Daniels (I know him well so I call him John) more than your doctor would prescribe, dance as much as you can, and support mustached Americans as often as possible.

Matt (IN): That's an unfair shot at the Dutch. I am not of Dutch descent but my father works for a Dutch owned corporation and I have seen for myself that some of those guys can really rock the 'stache. I remember one dude who had a handlebar that even Fingers would've been envious of

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Well then, as you are not Dutch, we will welcome you on our campus and teach you the ways of the dark side.

Randy from Salt Lake City: My wife has a mustache. I want her to shave it. Do angels still fall?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: And why is this? Are you an angel killer? We work with the 1964 women's East German Olympic shotput team and Bobby Jones, our facility director, kisses them frequently. He seems to be happy.

Larry (Charlotte): What's the biggest benefit to using sporting the stache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: I have been able to harness the power to crack a walnut at 50 paces by simply staring at it. But that takes year's of work - staring at posters of Billy Dee Williams, Burt Reynolds, and eating Kentucky Fried Chicken ad nauseum.

Rick (Annapolis, MD): How do you guys come up with the nominees for the Year stace award?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Rick, you submit them at our site - americanmustacheinstitute.org

Chris (Baltimore, MD): Goulet...best mustache ever?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: a good mustache on a great man. God bless his soul.

Joe (Huntsville,AL): Randy brings up a good topic. Is America ready for a mustachioed female athlete?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: While my new friend (female) here says no, I say definitely. It's a performance enhancer that's legal. Bring it.

Darrell Wyoming: Which mustache is the hottest right now. I mean in terms of fashion.

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Darrell, I'm sorry, but please leave the chat right now.

Assaad (Casablanca): I am from Morocco and we have many mustaches...they are very popular.

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Clearly Assaad, you are a fine orator in that the real questoin is whether the men of the American Mustache Institute are the bravest behind only the US military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets. Yes, yes we are. Thank you

Doug, St. Louis: Aaron, at what age is it appropriate to start having your child sporting the 'stache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: I grew my first mustache at age 7 but was castigated by my peers. Damn trolls.

Linda from Chatanooga: I love men with mustaches. How can I encourage my newest man to grow one?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Start dating a man with a mustache and the other guy will come back with a lip sweater very quickly.

Michael Phelps: I don't have a 'stache yet I still broke Spitz's record. Is this a dent in the armor of the mustache world?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Phelps, you deserted us just prior to your Olympic races, thus reducing your speed and making those races closer then they needed to be. Shame on you sir. Shame on you.

Bud (Fresno, CA): Dr Perlut, what are the statistics on a mustached man entering a cougar den?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: About 17.8 of 21 would come out unscathed while the clean shaven weakling would only see 3 of 21 return. Power.

Cynthia (Chappaqua, NYC): Do you ever hope to host a mustache convention or traveling road show. If so, I would like to join your mailing list.

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Visit our web site americanmustacheinstitute.org. YOu can sign up for membership and our e-mail list. And come to St. Louis on Oct. 25 for 'Stache BAsh 2008.

Bill (PA): How much better would Different Strokes would have been if Arnold sported a stache?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Or what about little Sam? Red-headed little Tiger. Of course, he did ruin the show.

Pat (Chicago): Is there an American Beard Institute? Are they like the Hatfields to your McCoys?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: We have been fighting the Beard Congress since 1965. They are bad people representing the weak who wear the "Spousal Compromise."

Gabe, New York: How many more home runs could A-Rod hit if he grew a mustache at this stage in his career?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Twenty eight more than he will if he starts officially dating either Madonna or Richard Simmons.

Champ, San Diego: Does a mustache help in a vicious *** fight?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: You must keep your head on a swivel my friend. Now you may want to go hide out somewhere.

Chuck Norris (Wherever I Want to Be): My mustache is the only thing that can defeat me in combat of any kind.

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Yes, your hairpiece has tried to defeat you several times, but your cookie duster has fended it off.

Bill Simonson (head of beard institute): Please do not disparage us simply because we have weak chins. Why can't we all get along?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Understand this Bill. The beard or goatee is the 1/2-way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven, and the uncontrollable power of the mustache. It's where your spouse says, "I can deal with the beard, but not the 'stache." And that, my friend, is when real mustached Americans escort her out the door.

AJ (MD): What are you're feelings on a soul patch?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: No chin coverage. No compromise. Lots of upper lip warmth.

Brandon (IL): The Burt Reynolds Stash is it 1# all time?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Burt is a hero for sporting the Labia Sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater) since the late 1960s. HIs birthday should be a FEderal holiday.

Bob (Chicago): Hens love Roosters, Geese love Ganders, Everyone else loves Ned Flanders!

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Ned to God. Ned to God. Get off your duff and save my Todd.

Mark R (New Orleans): Can you give me a statement on pencil staches?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Mark, you devil, any mustache is a good mustache. You are very, very silly.

Confused Fan: Jason LaRue has a terrific handlebar stache, and yet, he can't hit a lick...thoughts?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: No sir. He can't get off the bench. He can hit. It's just LaRussa penalizes him for being so manly, powerful, and putting the rest of the team to shame.

Dave, LV: This is the best chat ESPN's ever had. Can we get the suits to replace Buzz with you?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Yes, Dave, I know this.

Mike (NJ): Aaron, you say any mustache is a good mustache. Care to comment on Hitler's?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Very touchy subject Mike but we must be accountable about our people. Stalin, Hitler and Sadaam Huessein (sic) have all brought shame to our people.

Bernie Brewer (Millwaukee, MN): Can I be you mascot?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Who are your currently a mascot for?

Slappy (orlando fl): Have you listened to the latest dave navarro cd? he sports a crazy stache, don't he?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Dave Navarro is worthless and we have a team of Indonesian trolls looking for his home to hurt him as we speak.

Mike (NJ): Why did society deem it uncool to have a mustache in the 1990s?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Mike, this actually began at the tail end of the 1970s when disco faded, Walter Cronkite retired, and the Reagan administration re-instituted the Federal Mustache Tax Amendment.

Shado, NYC: You're a Doctor of what exactly?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Catalytic nuclear mustacheology

dad: No answer to my Jon Luc Picard ?, I'm hurt, this is cool stuff

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Clearly, sir, you are a good looking man. Are you related to Jean Luc Picard, who put Bill Shatner to shame?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Friends, this has been moderately bearable and you shouldeem yourselves fortunate for having been able to interact with, and hear my words. If you have a viable candidate for the "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year" award, please submit. Voting begins Oct. 6 on the finalists. And hope to see you at 'STache BAsh 2008 in St. Louis. YOu can find info on all of this at www.americanmustacheinstitute.org. Carry on.

Reminders of Our Painful History

afroman — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:16:00 GMT

The following letter to the editor has been submitted to the Wall Street Journal

On Sept. 3, for a brief moment we thought it was refreshing to see a Mustached American not in a mug shot, but on the front of the Wall Street Journal. We were quickly reminded, however, that discrimination against our people knows no geographic boundaries, and that Mustached Americans remain an easy target for those looking to lay blame for crimes, poor fashion choices, or in this case, inciting a war.

The Journal's story, "From Russia With Love: Kremlin Calls Mr. White a U.S. Agent," appears to indicate that American Michael Lee White is neither a CIA operative, nor did he provoke Georgia's recent war with Russian forces.

Mr. White simply seems to have left his passport in the wrong place at the wrong time, providing the Kremlin with an easy target already looked upon with scorn.

This is why groups like the American Mustache Institute must fight for the civil liberties of our people and create vehicles for recognition like the "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year" award.

One day, we hope that we can live in a world where all men are, in fact, treated equally. But until that time comes, we will continue to battle the negative stereotyping that has accompanied the Mustached American since our cultural heyday in the 1970s.

Abraham Froman

Chief Executive Officer, The American Mustache Institute

Reminder -- Rock(fish) The Vote

aperlut — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:00:00 GMT

A reminder back to a previous posting. The AMI is a big supporter of music - local, national, live, studio, Mexican, rap, rock, Irish, blind musicians, dead ones, and others. And Virginia Commonwealth University, one of the finest universities in the U.S. providing nuclear mustacheology degrees, is planning a music festival to honor its 40th anniversary. The school has decided to use a popular vote to determine which music acts will play, and with 225 bands in the running

The competition remains stiff, and a friend of AMI - Kurt Stemhagen's band "Rockfish Willie" - is in the thick of things thanks to you. And while Kurt is not a mustached American, as he suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD), he is an avid supporter of the lip sweater. So got vote!

The contest ends Sept. 5, and we ask that you, the 17.2 readers of the AMI blog, vote for Rockfish Willie here. To hear Rockfish's fashionable stylings, you can listen to clips of some of the band's original music here.

Carry on.

Trekking from D.C. to St. Louis for 'Stache Bash

aperlut — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:25:00 GMT

So we all meet a few people in our lives who we really connect with and always remain in contact. Solid people you can trust, who have good hair, who you hang with when you can throughout your life. Such is the case with my friend Josh Frey and me.

I met Josh in junior high school. We became friends on our first day, as we were each new to a correctional school for stupid kids. He blended in pretty well, I did not. He made friends, people laughed at me and I was the kid who's parents didn't want their kids fraternizing with. And despite that, and after leaving that school after two years (Josh stayed), we are still tight.

Now, although he lives in Washington, D.C. with his uber-hot wife Kathy, and I live in St. Louis with my delicious vixen and tribe near the world's largest mustache - The Arch - we still keep up. Do we talk every day? No, we are mustached Americans, so maybe every few months. But we are tight in an unspoken way.

Josh reminded me of that unspoken closeness when he told me that he, along with uber-hotness, will be joining the throngs of people from around the U.S. who are coming to 'Stache Bash 2008. And in honor of this, Josh's company, OnSalePromos -- the official promotional stuff company of the Mustached American despite not being able to source fake mustaches -- is holding a mustache competition which you can vote upon here. And, you can also join OnSale's Facebook group here.

So go vote, buy stuff from OnSale, and come and meet my pal Josh and his uber-hot wife at 'Stache Bash 2008. Who knows? Maybe Josh Frey will become the first ever "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" winner? It could happen.

Help find the 1st ever "Goulet" award winner

afroman — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:38:00 GMT

Search on for "Mustached American of The Year"

Regular Joe, celebrity, athlete, fireman - field is wide open

Winner to be named at ‘Stache Bash 2008 benefit

Sept. 3, 2008 (St. Louis) - The American Mustache Institute (AMI) is looking for the first ever "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year," recognizing the most impactful Mustached American of the past year. The winner of the award will be announced Oct. 25 at ‘Stache Bash 2008, a benefit for Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for the disabled.

"The Goulet award allows us to honor a distinguished Mustached American," said Dr. Daniel T. Callahan, AMI research director. "The winner must both champion the mustache and stand apart from his or her fellow Americans - a soup straining school teacher; Jason Giambi of the Yankees for helping popularize the cookie duster in baseball again; a mustached fireman; or, if he were American, Daniel Day Lewis for being the first mustached ‘Best Actor' winner since Paul Newman in 1986."

To submit a candidate for "The Goulet" award:

visit this page on the AMI site and submit a candidate.
Submissions will be accepted until Friday, Oct. 3.
Beginning Monday, Oct. 6, online voting will open for a group of finalists selected by AMI's certified mustacheologists.
Voting will close Friday, Oct. 17.
The winner will be named at ‘Stache Bash 2008 at the Lumiere Casino in St. Louis on Saturday, Oct. 25.

Tickets for ‘Stache Bash 2008, can be purchased at www.americanmustacheinstitute.org. For more information about the "Goulet Award" or ‘Stache Bash, call (877) STACHE-1, watch this video, or e-mail info@AmericanMustacheInstitute.org.

About AMI

The American Mustache Institute, the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. Military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets, is the world's only facial hair advocacy and research organization, with more than 600 chapters around globally. AMI battles negative stereotypes and discrimination against the "Mustached American" race. Based in St. Louis due to the presence of the world's largest mustache - the Gateway Arch - the organization is committed to recapturing the mustache's glory years of the 1970s, when there existed a climate of acceptance, understanding, and flavor saving for Mustached Americans.

About Challenger Baseball

Challenger Baseball is a baseball league for youngsters and adults with developmental disabilities. The fundamental goal of Challenger Baseball is to give every player the chance to play. To realize that goal, Challenger has two basic rules: every player bats each inning, and every player plays the field. The league does not count strikes, and does not count outs. Every player scores and every player wins. Challenger Baseball participants learn not only the fundamentals of baseball, but also experience teamwork, being cheered on by a crowd, and being encouraged by peers. All players are named all-stars and all receive trophies.

###

Missing Mustache in St. Louis

goldylx — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 04:04:00 GMT

'Stache Bash or Cousin's Lame Wedding?

goldylx — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:43:00 GMT

Yesterday in the mail I received an invitation to my cousin's wedding in Somewhere, Minnesota. While the news that some beautiful woman was betrothed to my very nice cousin, it made me wonder how such a gambling-addicted, porn-obsessed, beer-drinking, chaw-chewing, mustache-less, chubby wunderkind landed such a lady. Who am I to judge? I was feeling almost excited at the prospect of going to a small town wedding shin-dig. There might be single men there. Single men who ice fish all winter, hunt all spring and fall, and play baseball and fish all summer (which may be the very reasons they are still single?), yes... but maybe there might be a groomsman who could pull off a nice fu manchu?

And then I saw it. The date. October 25, 2008. Same day as 'Stache Bash. Crud.Well, now I'm certainly not going. To Minnesota, that is.I non-chalantly called my parents to see if they would bring up the wedding. They didn't. So I asked my Ma if she could locate my Halloween costume and send it to me. She said she could. She still hasn't caught on that I will not be joining my family in the fish fry that is to be the groom's dinner, or the wedding ceremony, or the dance at the local Eagle's club. No siree.

I bet my cousin will understand when I don't show up. Especially if Captain Morgan is there. I think they went to college together.

Submit now - Mustached American of the Year

afroman — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 02:31:00 GMT

Will it be Jason Giambi, Jim James of My Morning Jacket, a brave fireman, or just a mustached community leader? Submit a worthy candidate now for the 1st ever "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year" award. Click here to learn about the contest and who is eligible, and to submit someone you deem worthy.

Stuff I read this weekend

afroman — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:59:00 GMT

Every weekend, I have a chance to sit back, read the newspaper, watch "A-Team" reruns and Charles Bronson flicks, and knock back a few dozen InBevweiser Lights. And when you do this, you find things that make make you smile, either because they are funny, stupid, or both. This holiday weekend, as I pondered the grand glory that is organized labor and the quality workmanship that it provides, I found these nuggets:

With pitcher Scott Kazmir's victory, the Tampa Bay Rays joined the 1968 Oakland A's as the only teams to have five pitchers 26 years old or younger with 20 starts and 10 wins in the same season. -- Is is just me, or has the over-statisticization of American sport gone too far? Seriously, who the hell cares? Think about it next time a SportsCenter anchor says something like, "This marked the first time that a second baseman had hit a home run during rainfall in a September night when the temperature was over 87 degrees since 1949."
X-Files guy David Duchovny, who currently plays a sex-obsessed character on Showtime's "Californication", has entered a rehab facility for a sex addiction. -- So I'm guessing David has not been so faithful to wife and mid-level quality biscuit Tea Leoni, and this is his way of saving grace. Good for you David. Good for you. We should all be so wise as to claim "sex addiction" when we get busted cheating.
Michael Jackson turned 50. -- OK, so the spookiest guy in America, who actually filed papers to become white at age 37, is now 50. Hard to imagine he's been improperly touching little boys for that long.
Sean "Diddy" Combs complained about the "... too high" price of gas and pleaded for free oil from his "Saudi Arabia brothers and sisters" in a YouTube video posted Wednesday. -- Yes, well, Mr. Diddy, did you know that you too could cut back just a bit? You know, maybe not owning eight homes, 18 cars, three planes. You can do your part as well tiger!

And, the clear favorite:

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver and all-around-knucklehead Chad Johnson has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco in Broward County, Fla. -- Nothing to add here. Nothing to add.

Carry on.

Navarro Indeed Sucks

afroman — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 01:23:00 GMT

The 23.8 readers of the AMI blog understand our feelings on Dave Navarro. Whether is was our account of our initial interview with Navarro, or when we lambasted a poor, young scribe who wished to make her mark in journalism by writing a sweetheart of a story about Chump Bait - even though she knew he is pathetic.

We've been pretty clear.

And now comes this - a new video about Navarro and his pathetic goatee posted by a pretty solid sounding band called The Bugs.

So cheers to The Bugs, who we think are also responsible for this, and never forget what AMI always warns our friends via e-mail:

That mustaches should be worn at the individual's own risk, and AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro.
If your mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro.

Carry on.

Surprises on menu at Democratic Convention

afroman — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Shocking developments as America watches the dreadfully boring Democratic Convention this week in Denver.

Both those merry, eager-to-hug-one-another liberals in attendance at the convention – or those attempting to watch on the television without shooting themselves – sat with disbelief as former President Bill Clinton declared Barack Obama "ready to be president of the United States" on Wednesday.

“I was pretty certain President Clinton planned to support McCain or (Libertarian candidate) Barr,” AMI Chairman Emeritus Jay Della Valle told his nuclear mustacheology class early today. “At least Barr is the first mustached American candidate since Tom Dewey in 1948. To me, that’s something worth voting for. I mean, Obama? What does he represent?”

After months of attacks from Hillary Clinton supporters on Obama’s lack of experience, President Clinton himself was among the most outspoken proponents of that line of criticism of Obama. But on Wednesday he reversed himself – something almost never seen in politics – pointing out that Republicans had used the same line of attack against him when he first ran for president.

“That, yes, was a shocker for me,” said Edgar Portofino, a Bolivian exchange student in Della Valle’s 10:30 a.m. class. “In Bolivia, we no change positions. If someone need be shot – we shoot them. If need be caressed, then we caress and hold them. Very simple.”

Sen. Joe Biden unexpectedly hammered Republican presidential candidate John McCain as he accepted the Democratic nomination for vice president Wednesday, sending shock-waves throughout the crowd. Biden rattled off a list of McCain's positions on issues ranging from sitting, standing, to active and sleeping, repeatedly saying, "That's not change; that's more of the same."

Almost as unusual as being stabbed in the back by a co-worker. But that never happens.

With Obama scheduled to speak tonight, more unexpected developments should come.

Carry on.

Jobs for the Mustached American

afroman — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Our friends at CNN.com have a story on the site penned by Rachel Zupek of CareerBuilder.com. It’s called “15 Jobs that Pay $70,000 per year,” and it’s a tale of jobs that don’t require a Ph.D. or at least 10 years experience, which to the Mustached American, would seem like low-hanging fruit.

The challenge, however, for the Mustached American, as AMI Research Director Dr. Daniel T. Callahan presciently notes in his bio on the AMI site, is that our kind are often not welcome.

After receiving his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin's Tonsorial Studies Department, Dr. Callahan worked in academia, but only as janitorial staff and a figure model at several colleges.

"These were the dark days to be a mustached American," he writes. "It was not unusual to see 'mustaches need not apply' signs at many employers."

Dark days indeed.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, while the average full-time worker's salary is $33,634 in the United States, the average Mustached American salary is $29,980.07. The discrepancy is disheartening.

Zupek analyzed 15 jobs that earn near $70,000 and are expected to increase in demand between now and 2016. Each requires various levels of experience, facial hair, and education. We have earmarked six of these for thorough consideration to determine whether Mustached Americans can, in fact, earn in excess of $29,980.07.

Nuclear power reactor operator ($70,410) – It has been clearly demonstrated that a mustache is nearly as powerful as nuclear fuel itself. Therefore, reason would have it that the Mustached American can be placed in charge of a fuel that can melt a dwarf at 17 paces, especially when our facial hair can do so at 19 paces.

Management analyst ($70,990) – This is not a good fit. Certainly we are able to analyze management, but not necessarily to manage analysis. And there is a clear distinction.

First-line supervisor/manager of police and detectives ($72,620) – Boom! Sweet spot baby! Along with weapons, uniforms, and badges, police recruits are issued mustaches upon entering the force. There is no better fit. And don't forget - never, ever trust a bare-lipped police officer, and if approached by one, call 911 and drive as quickly as possible to your nearest Police Station where you will be welcomed by throngs of cookie dustered constables.

Advertising and promotions manager ($73,666) – Losers - all of them. Can’t happen. Never in a million years. That profession will not tolerate a Mustached American….

Education administrator, post-secondary ($75,780) – As part of a settlement in U.S. vs. Fishbine, Mustached Americans can no longer teach children under the age of 23 unless accompanied by an adult without facial hair, which we believe is unconstitutional.

Veterinarian ($79,368) – Mustached American don’t treat, we eat.

Carry on.

Mike Schmidt speaks to AMI

afroman — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:27:00 GMT

The great Major League Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is the subject of the most recent AMI Monthly Interview. You can listen here.

World Mustache News

goldylx — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Croatia/China: What could possibly be better than ultra-fit, hairless-bodied, Olympic water polo players with mustaches? My mind cannot comprehend anything more amazing.

"We came to an idea to do something special, that will be only ours," Croatia's Maro Jokovic told the AP. "And we agreed because we are a team, we fight for each other and we die for each other, and we wanted to do something not so usual among other teams."

Bravo! Too bad this hairy tribute to former Olympic coach Ratko Rudic did not prevent them from being beaten 7-5 by the US on Saturday and upset 9-11 by Spain on Sunday. If I could give out a medal for winning my heart, this team would have it.

I am indeed delighted and will be obsessing over these chaps for the next month or so.

Nepal: As metrosexuality spreads, Nepal is rapidly becoming a society without mustaches. Once passed down from one generation to the next as a sign of masculinity, the mustache is being wiped from the face of men who now find it fashionable to be clean-shaven. This is a new trend that started in urban areas, driven by women who claim their men look younger and more handsome without facial hair.

India: Hindu men have long been mustached because of a long-held belief that they should not shave their mustaches so long as their parents are alive. Alas, in the modern day, some prefer bare upper lip and no longer see any correlation between their mustaches and their parents’ lives or longevity. A poll of men of Indian heritage, ages 25-25, born in the US and/or raised, found that they are glad to see their brothers in the homeland finally emerging from the 1980s.

Turkey: In a response to so-called ‘European Union standards’, bus drivers in Turkey have been forbidden to have mustaches by Metro Tourism, one of Turkey’s biggest transportation companies. Read the entire story from Turkish Daily News.

Italy (see also: New Jersey): Men are so into their mustaches that they’ve made a mustache comb pendant chic. Get yours here.

Mustache and the man: The death of Gene Upshaw

Dcal — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:50:00 GMT

The publicity around the death of Gene Upshaw ignored one of the most interesting aspects of his life: he had one of the most enduring mustaches in all sports. Twenty-eight years since his participation in the Super Bowl with the winners, the Oakland Raiders, Upshaw's gray mustache was like the man himself, physically a shadow of the once proud 'stache he sported, but a reminder of the power and intelligence of a man who reached a height few could ever have predicted.

Upshaw's life was a classic American tale.

After a successful football career, he used exceptional political skills to recreate himself as a labor leader, and, from the most humble of southern roots, he lead the NFL Players Association, a union at the center of America's most popular sport.

His mustache was of another era, one where players cultivated an outlaw image that was not always ready for prime time. The circumstances of his death - he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Sunday and died days later - have left that union scrambling.

In addition, there was controversy to his career. When confronted about pension and health care benefits for retired players, he cracked: "I don't work for them. They are not union members and they have no vote."

Many of those players were Mustached Americans who felt they had been forgotten as the active players grew rich. Mustached greats Mike Ditka and D1ck Butkus have lead the way in challenging current players and owners to take care of the men, many of them once household names, who are now in desparate need of health care benefits.

So, many older players are not as generous in their assessment of Upshaw. Sam Huff told the New York Times: "You want to feel sorrier than you do. It’s a mixed feeling that I have today."

Huff, it should be noted, does not have a mustache.

Dumb Jock Quotes

afroman — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:53:00 GMT

We offer some classic quotes from athletes courtesy of The Bleacher Report:

20. "I've been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak. The good part is that they don't make posters of those guys"—Houston Rockets’ Walt Williams.

19. "I enjoyed The Luge."—Michael Jordan on the Paris museum.

18. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

17. “Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.”—David Thompson.

16. New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

15. "I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."—Muhammad Ali.

14. “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years ”—Baseballer player Mike Cameron.

13. "The game was closer than the score indicated"—Baseball player Dizzy Dean, after a 1-0 game.

12. Shaquille O'Neal: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

11. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.”—Basketball player Sherman Douglas.

10. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."—baseball player Carl Everett.

9. "Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there."—Rickey Henderson on reports that 50 percent of ballplayers use steroids.

8. "Because there are no fours."—NBA long-range gunner Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many threes.

7. “I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.”—David Beckham, asked if he was a “volatile” player.

6. "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."—N.C. St. basketball player Charles Shackleford.

5. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.”—Pitcher Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.

4. “They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”—Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.

3. Shaquille O'Neal: "I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I'm very intelligent when I speak."

2. "Like they say, it ain't over til the fat guy swings."—Phillies catcher Darren Daulton on stocky first baseman John Kruk.

1. “We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.”—Basketball player Weldon Drew.

'Stache Bash Tickets on Sale

afroman — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:39:00 GMT

The buzz is growing as tickets for AMI's annual 'Stache Bash are now on sale and can be bought here. Advance tickets are $20 versus $25 at the door.

The price includes live music; an open bar with beer, wine, and maybe some Captain Morgan's if they give us some loot; plus a $5 gaming coupon for the casino, an act of fire-eating performers, free concert tickets and other stuff from 105.7 The Point, and a good looking fake mustache (can any mustache look bad?).

You can also see AMI discuss the event during this recent state of the union news conference.

E-mail AMI at info@AmericanMustacheInstitute.org, call 877-STACHE-1, or phone the Crab Lice Hotline.

Carry on.

Joe Dan Dockrey - Real Man of Genius

afroman — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:46:00 GMT

A communique from AMI member Joe Dan Dockrey (yes, that's his real name):

To My Gods @ AMI,

As a man grows up in life and ~~learns~~ how to masturbate figures out who he is, through trials and tribulations, he arrives at a final understanding of his reason for living. Many men realize that they were meant to go out and change things for the better, to create a family to carry on their family line, or to sell bratwursts in a cart outside of a Golds Gym next to a homeless guy name Hayseed.

Nonetheless, we all have found a good dime bag of weed our calling in life and are determined to show the world what we are meant to do in order to fulfill a life's ambition. We are to grow a glorious mustache and wear the lip sweater with passion and pride. It is understood by all that a mustache should only be worn correctly if you intend to use it wisely and never let it go to waste.

It is with my great pleasure that I announce my womb-broom wearing amigos and I will be representing all mustached Americans by flying a 24-foot ~~sausage~~ mustache off a 25-foot cliff into Lake Michigan in Chicago at the the Redbull Flugtag.

The National Herpes Congress Flutag has invited my team of blind dwarfs to go head-to-head with 20 or more other teams in order to fly our craft further than ever before. Using space-age materials,smoking lots of crack and nothing but a twirl of the 'stache and a hard look to judge all measurements, we are destined to go into the local jail where we will be raped by large men history books.

We will be ~~drinking straight scotch~~ launching September 6 in Chicago at North Avenue Beach with the intention of bringing a tear to the eye of every mustache-toting cop, fireman, cowboy, juvenile delinquent, facial hair equestrian, or anyone still living in the '70's.

Be sure to say your prayers to a mustache-wearing Jesus (yeah, like he really exists), because we are going to win it all in Chicago 2008.

With Love And a Lip Full of Power,

Joe Dan Dockrey
jdockrey@gmail.com

Bravery

afroman — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:06:00 GMT

Anyone who is familiar with AMI knows that we have often been called by historians the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. Military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets. And in the past, we've brought you stories about brave friends of ours, who have fought cancer and other challenges, as well as tales of our daring exploits to fight those who oppress the race of Mustached Americans.

Every once in a while, however, we are reminded that there is more to life than mustaches, beer, triple bacon cheeseburgers, and our hatred for Dave Navarro, who is worthless. Not much more to life - but there is more.

And whether you like his politics or not, today, this CNN.com story about John McCain's time spent in captivity in Vietnam was such a reminder.

Carry on.

The backyard Olympics

Dcal — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:58:00 GMT

So, I'm watching the Olympics last night and on comes the finals of Women's Trampoline. I'm looking for the hidden camera to do the doubletake into.

Women's Trampoline? What's next, the semifinals of Men's Slip-N-Slide? Did the countries who participate buy their equipment at Sam's Club and are there countries whose cheapskate dads wouldn't let them buy them because they thought they weren't "safe."

And didn't the Man Show do all this a few years ago?

This could be part of a trend away from the sweaty urban sports like boxing and bicycling, toward cleaner sports that involve expensive training and equipment, allowing first world countries to keep their lead over the countries whose dads won't buy them a pool. We could combine the two disciiplines and feature events like the much-maligned Jarts and desperate games of Whiffleball?

Start training, suburbanites. Your time is about to come.

Our bare lipped friends

afroman — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:46:00 GMT

Do you remember the scene in the film version of Spike Lee's "Malcolm X" where Mr. X is walking into a college building and a white girl asks him a question? The young female collegian asks Denzel Washington, playing General X, if she could help his movement. He solemnly looked at her and said, "No." And kept walking.

Well, we at AMI feel a bit differently.

Despite being put down and oppressed by bare-lipped weaklings for nearly half century, we accept the support and love of those without mustaches. And one of our favorites - a supporter from the very beginning - has been the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg, who writes the always entertaining "D.C. Sports Bog."

Dan is currently covering the Olympic Games in Beijing, and when he returns, we'll be continuing our fine tradition of outstanding Monthly Interviews with Dan. But until then, we'll just have to bask in his greatness as he reports about the stories that matter......like this one he sent us today that he said was inspired by AMI.

We hope you enjoy it as we did, and be sure to support Dan and continue to read the Sports Bog.

Carry on.

How to Get a Date

biggrubbowski — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:17:00 GMT

When you're nearly middle-aged, hopelessly single, tragically bare-lipped, and sadly spend more of your free time writing on mustache blogs than on dates, you'll take all the advice on meeting the ladies you can get.

If you're like me, and every day that slips through your fingers makes you grow incrementally fearful of dying alone in a bed of some wretched government nursing home in a pile of your own filth, having no one to attend your funeral, and being buried in a cheap pine box deep within an abandoned coal mine, you might want to check out the following helpful pointers on meeting that special someone to share your life with.

They're brought to you by the fabulous "Foxy Festivities" gals Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri. You remember them, don't you? Their blog, which focuses on a variety of subjects from social trends to the culinary arts, is emerging as must-read material for the inherently barbarian male, mustached or otherwise.

The piece below, entitled "5 Ways to Amp Up Your Single Sex Appeal", offers some helpful tips on how to attract that special someone (and cling onto them for dear life).

Admittedly, their suggestions can at times prove a bit confusing or unclear, so I've added some clarifications and observations (in italics) that should no doubt enhance the benefit you'll receive from the gals' words of wisdom. Enjoy.

Put Yourself Out There - If you're single and looking for someone special, start by RSVP'ing yes to any and all social invitations. The further they are outside your usual circle of buddies, the better. Any gathering -- weddings and co-ed showers to dinner parties, barbecues, or even after-work drinks -- can be a great place to land a date.

(As a general rule, the more desperate you appear to be invited to parties, the more it seems like you have no friends of your own, the more women will flock to you. Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers"? Those guys got all kinds of tail. If all else fails, start inviting yourself to gatherings. Private party room? Not anymore. What's going on, new friends!! So...who wants to go on a date with me?)

Body Language - Unspoken cues are crucial. Check yourself every so often to make sure you're not sending out a "don't come near me" vibe. You want to communicate that you're friendly and open to conversation. It may sound silly, but these details make all the difference:

- Keep your arms uncrossed. (In addition, put down any crucifixes you might be holding up.)

- Maintain a relaxed, casual stance. (Preferably a good solid three-point stance, such as that of a defensive end. Make sure all the weight is on the balls of your feet, so that you can dart quickly to the left or right when all the women overcome with lust inevitably try to bum rush you.)

- Try keeping a subtle smile on your lips (If you're not smiling at all times, everyone will know you're a sour puss. And then who's gonna love you? Not me. Is that what you want? Well...is it?)

- Make eye contact. Lots of it. Being so inviting to someone you don't know can feel strange, but it's the only way to find out if you want to know them. (Yes, so much eye contact to the point where it feels strange. Sounds about right. Let your piercing stare burn a hole in her blouse. If she hasn't called security by now, you're in like Flynn.)

Opening Lines - Now comes the tricky part, how to introduce yourself. Simple conversation starters that don't feel cheesy (or too obvious) include:

- How do you know so-and-so (the host)?

(I don't know who this "so-and-so" is, but it is obvious that he could be your primary competition for the girl in question. Badmouth him at every opportunity. Also, demonstrate your physical superiority to this "so-and-so" by lifting heavy objects right in front of her.)

- Or at a buffet, "Have you tried the pasta? How is it?"

(Or perhaps a subtle joke in this situation to break the ice like, "So...looks like you're back for thirds already, huh? I'm surprised they haven't run out of plates by now. I'm just kidding, you're gorgeous." Remember, people like self-deprecating humor, especially when it's at their expense.)

Don't make the mistake of being loud to attract attention (even a loud laugh can be downright annoying). Part of the trick is to be a bit restrained, yet alluring.

(Mumbling paranoid nonsense to yourself in the corner or making soft purring sounds like a kitten will surely grab the girls' attention, but in a very subtle and alluring way, which is desirable. After all my friend, the days of clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to the cave are nearly over, aren't they?)

Escape Plan - It's easier to start up a conversation when you know you have the power to end it at any time. Simple ways to politely walk away from someone you aren't vibing with include:

- "Forgive me, it's been nice to talk with you but a friend of mine, who I haven't seen in ages, just walked in..."

(...over there, by the stage next to the dance floor. No, on the other side, behind the speakers. You can't see him right now, but trust me, he's over there. Well, I hope that thing you're getting checked out comes back negative. It's been real. Peace out.)

- "If you'll excuse me, I have to run to the restroom..."

(Just to be safe, you might try this addendum, "...I have abhorrent diarhea and hemorrhoids that just won't quit. Tell everyone not to go near the mens room from for at least 15 minutes. And please, pray for me, won't you?")

- Grab your cell phone and say, "I'm sorry, I'm getting a call..." (Your phone could be on silent or vibrate, they'll never know.)

(If you don't own a cell phone, instead grab a bread roll from the nearest table and pretend it's your phone. Not only will she think you're important because you're taking phone calls in public on your fancy bread phone, she'll also likely think you're insane.)

Kindness is good karma. You never know when that cute guy or girl you've been eyeing may be watching your interaction; you don't want to come off as uncaring.

(Yelling "FIRE!!!" is also an option. You don't want to seem uncaring, but being a dishonest lying snob is apparently perfectly okay with the "Foxy" gals though.)

Dress To Devastate - Seems obvious, but no matter how casual the event, slip on something that makes you feel your best. (You never know who you'll run into at the appetizer table.) And always opt for something that's sexy but not trying to hard.

For girls, that could mean:

- a sophisticated wrap dress and funky wedge heels. (A wrap with wedges? Makes me think of the KFC Twister combo meal. Mmmmm...Twister.)

- a flirty skirt and tank top with flats. (With a big pocket on the front of the skirt that reads, "Insert Cab Fare Here".)

- flared slacks and an off-the-shoulder top with strappy sandals. (Yeah, and why don't you just not shave your armpits while you're at it, you damn dirty hippy!? If I wanted to date a gypsy, I'd join the circus.)

- dark bootcut jeans with a feminine blouse and pointed toe pumps. (I have no idea what any of these things are. In fact, I'm probably going to stare at whatever parts of your body aren't covered by clothes anyway, so it seems like a waste of time to put all this effort into your wardrobe. Let's face facts, if you're even semi-attractive and you showed up wearing an oversized bag of Domino Sugar it wouldn't make any difference to me.)

Guys:

- Try a sharp looking button-down (in linen or a crisp cotton) and dark flat-front slacks with classic-but-cool leather shoes. (Yeah, I want to look like I came straight out of a damn Dockers commerical (mumblety peg with darts!!) Why don't I just change my name to "Chad" or "Todd" while I'm at it?)

- For a more laid-back gathering, jeans and a long sleeve tee, with black or brown suede sneakers. (Whatever. Nothing says "casual sex appeal" quite like a half-shirt and cut-off jean shorts. Or perhaps you might want to try something like this.)

Scentiments - Finally, if you wear fragrance, keep it very light so you don't overpower the room. You wouldn't want to meet someone you really like, spark a good conversation, and then spark up their allergies, too.

(First of all, allergies are a sign of genetic weakness. Any woman with allergies will give birth to weak offspring, and thus, should be avoided like the plague.

Secondly, Brute Deodorant Spray is always a good option. It says, "I'm consistent, like a rock. I haven't updated my grooming routine from what my father taught me in junior high, and I never will. In fact, the day they stop making Brute is the day I go back to not using deodorant.")

Yes, if you just follow these simple suggestions, you won't have to worry about being buried in a pine box anymore. You can get real casket when you die, like normal people. Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Bernie Mac and the death of the Black sitcom

Dcal — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:46:00 GMT

We were greatly saddened at the American Mustache Institute to learn of the death of Bernie Mac, a king among mustached Americans. Like many African Americans, he continued the tradition of the a mustache and facial hair even as it fell out of favor in the white community in the 1980s.

His death highlights a trend -- the decline of the Black sitcom. Since the heyday in the '70s and '80s, when beacons of comedy like "Good Times, "Sanford and Son" and other sitcoms ruled the airwaves (we particularly favor St. Louis's own Redd Foxx). And later on the WB and others, the Black sitcom has nearly disappeared. Bernie's show was one of the standouts of the '90s and, while black comedy was dumbed down a lot for TV, it was a link to a culture that truly loves to laugh through thick and thin. And, if you ever heard one of Bernie's uncensored routines, he was very, very funny, and truly a product of a tough part of Chicago.

The demise of the black sitcom may have to do with historic under-counting of black TV audiences. Or maybe it's the mustaches that scared network execs.

There is some good news here. Cleveland from "Family Guy," who subscribes to "Grape Soda Today," is getting his own sitcom on Fox. Okay, he's voiced by a white guy, but it's a start, isn't it?

In the meantime, we say so long to Mac, dead way too young.

For more about this issue, check out a pretty in-depth blog here.

John Edwards - We Told You So

afroman — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 12:48:00 GMT

So the big hubbub on Friday was the stunning, stunning announcement that former U.S. Senator and presidential wanna-be John Edwards had an extramarital affair with some tramp who was apparently also taken behind the wood-shed by half of his campaign staff.

We had to read endless Twitter comments and other online thoughts about how disappointed people are in Johnny Cute-Locks. But only one word comes to the collective mustaches and minds of the staff and administration here at AMI: Shock!

Let us take you back to a blog posting from AMI in January of 2008, written after Edwards suffered a crippling defeat in the Nevada primaries. We told you that John-John, sitting in curlers despite fostering a hairweave and one of those stupid signet rings worn by more than 90 percent of the male populace of Raleigh, N.C., was courting his friend Rusty in a Las Vegas gentleman's club.

Add this episode to his most recent admission, and what this tells us is that John is just a guy. He dips his pen in the company ink (the gal was working for him). He's simply no better than any other scrub. And clearly, Edwards is not a mustached American, as if he was, only his drinking buddies and a collection of trolls living under a bridge in Cleveland would have learned of any of his trysts.

So in short, what does this tell you about the fine reporting skills of the crack AMI news team? Well, we don't like to gloat, flash our arrogance, demonstrate superiority, or just rub people's noses in what we told you nine freaking months ago.

Carry on.

*on an unrelated note, 'Stache Bash 2008 is upcoming on Oct. 25. Learn more here.