The following chat ran on ESPN.com on Oct. 13 from 2 - 2:45 pm and can be read on ESPN.com here.
Welcome to The Show! On Monday, Dr. Aaron Perlut, executive director of
the American Mustache Institute (AMI) will stop by to chat about
mustaches in sports.
The AMI will be holding Stache Bash 2008 October 25, where the Robert Goulet Mustache of the Year award will be given out. The Bash helps support Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for kids with disabilities. Fans can vote for the mustache of the year until the end of the week.
Perlut has appeared a few times on ESPN's First Take, discussing the benefits
of mustaches in sports. He's a founding member of th
e AMI and has had
mustaches on and off since age seven. He has experienced first hand the
discrimination against mustached Americans when he was not allowed to
participate in youth football due to concerns by league organizers who
believed his mustache would provide him with an unfair advantage
against the other seven-year-olds.
Send in your questions now and join Perlut at 2 p.m. ET on Monday!
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Mike (NJ): Would Clemson coach Tommy Bowden not have been fired today had he have word a lip sweater?
Aaron Perlut: Clearly, Tommy Bowden should have embraced the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"
Pat Conners, St. Louis, Missouri: What's the larger social issue -- mustache discrimination in sports or steroid use in sports?
Aaron Perlut: Pat,
my friend, maybe they are one in the same in that we are talking about
performance enhancer. And as our friends at BALCO have learned, the
mustache is the ultimate performance enhancer.
Chris (Richmond): I don't see many soccer players sporting the mustache. Do you think this is part of why soccer has not caught on in the US?
Aaron Perlut: That is because soccer is not a sport.
Rob:
Change the way you do interleague play. Do it like the NFL play a
different division each year, with the one exception of mets vs yankees
keep those games in the schedule that is all keep it simple.
Aaron Perlut: Interleague play is worthless. And the fact that the All-Star game chooses home field advantage is an embarrassment to MLB.
Mike (NJ): How could we possibly elect either Obama or McCain this November when neither has a 'stache? I say we write in Magnum, P.I.
Aaron Perlut: Mike,
have you forgotten Libertarian candidate Bob Barr? He's the first
mustached American presidential candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in
1948.
Zach (Morocco):
I've grown a beard, but with the intention of using the growth to
create a mustache, in the near future...do the ends justify the means
in this case?
Aaron Perlut: Zach,
you little tiger. You know that the beard is the "spousal compromise."
That 1/2 way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean
shaven and the pure power of the mustache. It's where your wife says,
"honey, I can't handle that powerful mustache but a beard or goatee
will do."
Hobgood (Springfield, VA): Who invented liquid soap and why?
Aaron Perlut: The communists did as a remedy for bearded ugliness. Never really worked out.
Solo and Hooked in Chicago:
Dr. Perlut,
I am a single woman who was once afraid of the mustache, fear of its
scratchiness sent me running in the other direction. And then it
happened, I encountered one...a real one, not a goatee or a mustache
facsimile and I am hooked. My problem is I believe I have developed
into a mustacheaholic. I crave it, feel powerless against it and in
general will give anything for the mustache. Are there any 12 step
programs out there for people like myself or am I alone in
uncontrolable mustache desires? Please help
Aaron Perlut: My
dear, you are not alone. One in every 1,432 women fall in love with
mustached Americans every day. Just enjoy the cravings. Savor them.
Sebek (St. Louis):
Does the AMI currently only recognize symmetrical mustaches that are
located above the mouth? I'm thinking of growing a mustache on my left
cheek, just because I can.
Aaron Perlut: Sebek,
if that's your real name....AMI recognizes any mustache which does not
include "chin coverage." So carry on my friend and use whatever
creative means you wish.
Steven (NJ): I think Keith Hernandez mustache is the best ever in sports, do you agree?
Aaron Perlut: Let
me say this about Keith. Good mustache, very good person, repping a
great product in Just For Men. It's the Mustached American's top
performance enhancer.
B. Jones, St. Louis:
Doctor - Will you please detail the facilities of the American Mustache
Institute? Your director of facilities seems to really have his head on
straight.
Aaron Perlut: We have a secret, yet spacious campus in the shadow of the world's largest mustache, St. Louis' Gateway Arch.
Rob GA:
I am not even going to bother watching the baseball post season, its
boring because the red sox are going to win. The best teams have been
eliminated cubs and angels. The red sox will win and that is why i will
not watch. After they beat the rays they will demolish either the
phillies or dodgers. Its so predictable! How much were the angels and
cubs paid to choke.
Aaron Perlut: Rob,
you seem to ramble a lot, and I like that. I like it very much. I would
watch the playoffs as long as the Dodgers remain. Jeff Kent's mustache
has unique powers that should not be missed.
Bullpen Cart Bob (Pgh): Your thoughts on women with mustaches?
Aaron Perlut: We
welcome women with mustaches and in fact are working with the women's
1964 East German Olympic shotput team on forming a Berlin chapter of
the American Mustache Institute.
Juan from San Juan:
Other than Cheech Marin, most Hispanic Americans have long favored
pencil-thin mustaches to keep hot sauce from burning our lips and those
who come in contact with them. Who are you favorite Mustached
Hispanics?
Aaron Perlut: Latin
men and women have historically favored thicker, richer mustaches
rather than the pencil thin. The "chevron" or "Fu Manchu" have been
cultural favorites.
Raoul from East St. Louis: Why no women on the list?
Aaron Perlut: had Estelle Getty not passed away without achieving anything in 2008 - she would have been in. No question.
Pete (Okla):
My brother in law has the thin stash of Latin pop singer of the late
80's. As a proud Stash owner can I make fun of him until he grows it
in? Or do I just advise him of the proper way to wear a stash?
Aaron Perlut: Be proud of your brother in law as any mustache is a good mustache. It's all about the quality. Not the effort.
D. Lowey, St. Louis: Does Chewbacca have a mustache, in your opinion?
Aaron Perlut: Chewbacca is actually all mustache that has consumed his body. It's a new style with today's young people.
B. Springsteen, Freehold, NJ: What rock performers favor the 'stache, currently?
Aaron Perlut: Jim
James of My Morning Jacket and Rivers Cuomo of Weezer are sporting
delicious 'staches in 2008. We're good until Justin Timberlake grows
one. Then there might be issues.
Steiny (NYC): Rollie Fingers has the best mustache in sports. Also, he has a pretty cool name.
Aaron Perlut: Wouldn't we all love to have "fingers" somewhere in our names?
B.F. (Springfeld): Should women bleach their mustache and or just let it be?
Aaron Perlut: I
think that's a question of choice. As mentioned before, Just For Men is
the ultimate performance enhancer of the Mustached American. And
therefore, with the ladies, they should be comfortable in their own lip
fur whatever color it may be.
Jackson from Clayton: I need a shout out to our African American mustached brothers. Give us some love, baby!
Aaron Perlut: Race
is always a touchy subject but I will say this - when white American
abandoned the mustache in the 1980s, black America kept going, wearing
mustaches throughout that decade and into the present. Bravery my
friends. Bravery.
Brady A. (Baltimore): What do you wear under your lab coat?
Aaron Perlut: As little as possible. Normally only the Speedo given to AMI by Mark Spitz for our help in training him in 1968 and 1972.
Jason (Boston): Big fan of your blog as well - which documents the history of 'staches. What blogs are favorites over at the AMI?
Aaron Perlut: A
few come to mind: JoeSportsFan.com is terrific. Good people writing
solid, insightful stuff. Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post's "The
Sports Bog" is also excellent. And for economics news, my man Justin
Fox at Time.com's "Curious Capitalist" and for pop culture my girl
Whitney Matheson at USA Todya's "Pop Candy."
B. Walters, NYC: If you could be a tree, what kind would you be?
Aaron Perlut: A weeping willow. Very furry.
Pat (Chicago): Would you shave your mustache for $1,000,000?
Aaron Perlut: Call
our toll-free number, I'll give you the bank wiring information, and
then we'll come hunt you down for ever suggesting such a thing.
V. Rao from University City, MO: Does Rogaine work for the upper lip?
Aaron Perlut: Instead, consider vast quantities of beer like InBevweiser.
Joe (MA):
Doc, I have chosen to engage in a beard-growing contest because I jump
at any opportunity to prove my virility in a public setting. Can I
successfully transition said beard to a mustache at the completion of
the contest, or must I start over from scratch, lest my new 'stache be
tainted by beardly remnants?
Aaron Perlut: Beards
attract beard weevils so you may wish to get a clean start. However,
each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to
earth. So you have that to consider.
Ramon, Milwaukee: Would you shave your 'stache if you could get a flying car?
Aaron Perlut: a flying car would be nice. Nice indeed. But no dice my friend.
Charles: My brother is a jerk. What kind of mustache would make him more tolerable?
Aaron Perlut: Jerk's tend to wear goatees and beards.
Al Gore: You know I invented the Stash right?
Aaron Perlut: Indeed you did my friend. Indeed you did.
john (cincinnati): best cartoon mustach...ned flanders or peter griffin when he grew one in but had it burned off?
Aaron Perlut: What
about Cleveland Brown, currently a candidate for the "Robert Goulet
Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award. Go vote here:
http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/MustacheAmericanOfYear.aspx
David Fairborn, OH:
First, you have to be a joke. Secondly, you saying that soccer is not a
sport confirms that you are a joke. Whether you like it or not, it has
more activity in 10 minutes of a game than a game of baseball.
Aaron Perlut: David,
thanks for boring us much like your favorite sport bores 98 percent of
the American public. And yes, I am a joke. At least my wife tells me
this each day.
Jason (Vegas): I am one hairy beast. My stash actually starts in my nose. Any problems with having a road to the nostrils?
Aaron Perlut: Jason, enjoy it all. Blend it all. That is what chewbacca does.
Dave Navarro, Chico, CA: Why do you hate me so? What have I done to deserve this? Can't we all just get along?
Aaron Perlut: Dave,
thanks for having the bravery to discuss this in a public forum. You
are the only person more arrogant that the members of the
administration at the American Mustache Institute. Hence, it's pure
insecurity.
Nick (NJ): Can you please tell Greg Schiano to grow a 'stache? I think that's the only way Rutgers can turn around it's season.
Aaron Perlut: Rutgers
will be interesting to watch moving forward as we begin to see the
fruits of Schiano's recruits now that he's been there a few years.
Would a mustache help? No question. But more important - maybe his
players should grow them to unite as one people.
Barney, Mayberry, NC: Best TV 'stache - Tom Selleck, Dennis Franz or Geraldo Rivera?
Aaron Perlut: Rivera purely for longevity. The man's been so brave - wearing it on tv when others would not. God bless him.
David Fairborn, OH:
Mr. Perlut, thanks for assuming things. My favorite sport is football.
But go to a foreign country and watch soccer. You'll have a whole new
appreciation.
Aaron Perlut: It's
Dr. Perlut to you David. And I'll say this - you are probably right.
AMI currently owns one small South American country where I've watched
soccer. Never in Europe, however. But I'm a better man for chatting
with you.
Warren Buffett: Should I invest in a mustache...if I do, will it save the U.S. economy?
Aaron Perlut: the mustache trade is an untapped $9 billion industry. We've seen it does with trolls. It works and can work in our economy.
Phillip DC: Lanny McDonald takes the cake right?
Aaron Perlut: No question. A God among Mustached men.
Lucas (Indianapolis):
Real question. I was not blessed with the ability to grow a mustache.
It would proabably take me 6 months and even then would not be full. Is
there an enhancer of sorts to aid in mustache growth.
Aaron Perlut: Thanks
for standing up and discussing your problem Lucas. You suffer from Bare
Upper Lip Disorder or BULD. There is no known cure but AMI research
director Dan Callahan and his team are working on remedies. God speed.
Egon, NYC: Can you outline the AMI economic recovery plan? I have heard it involves some kind of mustache grant program.
Aaron Perlut: As
you can see on our history page
(http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/AMIHistory.aspx), AMI was
formed as a result of the 1965 Federal Mustache Tax Amendment. We would
be willing to have this tax reinstituted if it would help the U.S.
economy.
Zach: Are eyebrows misplaced mustaches or less evolved mustaches...the Neanderthal of cookie dusters if you will?
Aaron Perlut: Zach
you hairy feller, this is a good question. I shall have our research
director and his team get on it. In your case, I'm guessing it's a
misplaced mustache as you have no gap in your mono-brow.
Nick (NJ):
Would you and/or the AMI be willing to sponsor me through law school in
exchange for exclusive naming and marketing rights to a newly crafted
'stache?
Aaron Perlut: Indeed we would be interested Nick.
Bullpen Cart Bob (Pgh): Were you born with a 'stache?
Aaron Perlut: I
grew my first mustache at age six or seven and have been fighting for
the rights of people of Mustached American descent ever since.
Sebek (St. Louis):
Your official title is "Doctor of Nuclear Mustacheology". Interesting.
Are there currently any academic institutions that have curriculum
around mustaches?
Jason(Rippy): What is the best kind of mustache for corn shucking?
Aaron Perlut: The sheriff, so that the corn knows who is boss.
Brian M (Raleigh, NC): What do you recommend for a graying mustache?
Aaron Perlut: I'd suggest Just For Men mustache and beard gel. Just for Men is the mustached American's ultimate performance enhancer.
Yorsif (St Paul): What is the punishment for pulling a stash in a fight?
Aaron Perlut: We
dealt with this at the Institute. One of our students got in a street
fight with a homeless man. The homeless man pulled our boy's mustache.
We tied him up in a large sack with 3 cats and Dave Navarro. We never
saw any of them again.
Bill (Vandy): What are the rules on applying product such as wax or gel to enhance a stash?
Aaron Perlut: There are no rules against enhancement. Wax takes work, having used it myself from time to time.....on my mustache even.
Bullpen Cart Bob (Pgh): What's it called when sideburns and a mustache grow together sans beard?
Aaron Perlut: This
would be the "Imperial" or the slang term is the "General Lee" style of
mustache. You can see styles here:
http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/MustacheStyles.aspx
Hank (Naperville IL): Wife says I look stupid with a stash. Do you know of any good attorny's?
Aaron Perlut: I'm told people in the Chicago area make wives disappear. Might be time to follow suit. Heh?
Gary Wisc: Can you agree there are some guys out there who do not deserve the gift of a stash?
Aaron Perlut: Indeed Gary. Soccer fans, cat lovers, and Dave Navarro.
Wes (Detroit): What is the proper way to pet a stash. Is it thumb and index starting in the middle and working their way to each side?
Aaron Perlut: Let me return that question with a twist: Is there an improper way?
Mike(Charlotte): Would you be willing to sponsor our softball team if we all grow staches?
Aaron Perlut: yes Mike, assuming your league costs $12.
Jason (Vegas): Is Hulk Hogan's stash better than Joe Namaths back in the day?
Aaron Perlut: Longevity means much my friend. Namath was a short-timer.
allison - st louis: how would you categorize jose valentin's old stache? i say it is a porn stache, what say you?
Aaron Perlut: Jose worked at his mustache but suffered from Bare Upper Lip Disorder or BULD. He did what he could.
George Parros, Anaheim: Aaron, I have without a doubt the best Hockey Stache ever, correct?
Aaron Perlut: George,
you are pretty solid. I was amazed you were not nominated for the
"Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award which you
can vote for here:
http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/MustacheAmericanOfYear.aspx
Jeff, New Haven:
Why did Jason Giambi shave his stache? Do you buy the theory that
communists abducted him to shave his stache, and ruin our economy?
Aaron Perlut: Jason did not realize that each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.
Aaron Perlut: ESPN.comers
- thanks for hanging in with me. As always, this has been fun. I must
clarify one error I made last time. There have actually been 2
mustached Americans to lead teams to NFL titles: Jeff Hostetler and
Doug Williams. We'll see if Jason Campbell becomes the third. Until
next time.....Carry on.
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