How it began

Unlike wars when we are looking for weapons of mass destruction that do not exist and our government refuses to address, nor accept, responsibility for failure, World War II was a relatively popular armed conflict.

Indeed, it put to rest post-Great Depression economic concerns by creating jobs, and essentially was a direct retaliation against Japanese aggression on U.S. soil, and sought to cease the aggression of one of the most evil – and of course mustached – figures in world history – Adolf Hitler.

An after-effect of this popularity was clean-cut American soldiers returning to create a new America free of not just the “toothbrush” or “dictator” style mustaches, as Hitler wore, but seemingly free of mustaches altogether. Indeed, American society had become a very clean-shaven culture, unlike the wondrous periods of American history under Presidents Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft.

In fact, Thomas E. Dewey’s bids for the presidency in 1944 and 1948 resulted in two resounding defeats, the likes of which confirmed that a mustached American was not welcome in the White House. This somewhat sad, mustache-free culture remained into the early 1960s, when peace-loving beatniks high on acid and fine malt liquor brands, revolted against the aggression of the Korean Conflict. They did this by not only making love on park benches and in homeless shelters, but by growing facial hair and forming a race of peoples that would become known as “Mustached Americans,” or the Latin, “Labia Sebuculans” (direct translation: “Lip Sweater Wearers”).

Taking note of this, the U.S. government under President John F. Kennedy began looking at means to curb mustache growth in the U.S., and essentially initiated an organized campaign aimed at wiping out Mustached Americans. The goal: Turn the country into a bare-lipped, cat-loving, utterly weak society filled only with clean-shaven men and women lacking the intestinal fortitude, strength, astounding good looks, and manhood which has become synonymous with mustaches throughout the history of mankind.

Upon learning that Fidel Castro’s communist Cuba was growing and exporting mustaches at an alarming rate into the U.S., Latin America and other Latin-speaking countries in an attempt to fund its missile program, the Kennedy administration essentially snapped, and prepared to take what would result in disastrous action.

Under the auspices of fighting communism, the U.S.’s first proactive attempt to slow the Cuban-American mustache trade was the 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion, an unsuccessful attempted invasion in Southwest Cuba by armed Cuban exiles, planned and funded by the U.S. in an attempt to overthrow Castro’s Cuban government.

The decision by President Kennedy, who later would win America’s hearts with his sexual conquest of Marilyn Monroe while wearing long black socks, accelerated a rapid deterioration in Cuban-American and Mustached American relations. This was further worsened one year later by the U.S.’s second subversive attempt to slow the flow of mustaches out of Cuba – the Cuban Missile Crisis. Sadly, even after each of these attempts failed, the U.S. government continued to wage war against the global and domestic mustache culture. This time, however, it was aimed directly at its own people.

In 1965, supported by a new Washington, D.C.-based lobby group The Beard Congress, the National Voting Rights Act was passed outlawing discriminatory voting practices that had been responsible for the widespread disenfranchisement of black Americans in the United States. Quietly attached to this bill was a little-known rider called the Federal Mustache Tax Amendment (FMTA), which levied a 3 percent annual income tax against men with mustaches, and if a man’s spouse had a mustache, an additional 2 percent annual levy.

Dr. Schnurrbart Snor, a Dutch-German émigré who’s parents had escaped Europe in a hot air balloon during World War II, had just received the first mustacheology certification at the City College of Newark. He was asked to attend a meeting in the nation’s capital by a man who, until his death, Dr. Snor would only refer to as “Deep ‘Stache.”

He met secretly, not understanding the implications, with Deep ‘Stache next to a construction site port-o-john outside the Russell Senate Office Building in Capital Hill, and went on to form what at the time was the clandestine American Mustache Institute (NYSE: AMI) to work towards repealing the FMTA.

“I remember it being an odd meeting, certainly not fragrant, but ultimately fruitful,” Dr. Snor said. “We were essentially undercover, and so, we each left separately so as not to raise suspicions. Deep ‘Stache convinced me that our enemies were everywhere.”

AMI spent much of the mid- to late-1960s waging and unseen battle against The Beard Congress and others, unbeknownst to the American people. While clearly The Beard Congress stood for the propagation of beards and goatees, as well as the discrimination of the Mustached American, Dr. Snor had been taught in Newark that beards and goatees to be “spousal compromises,” or, the half-way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean-shaven, and the distinguished manliness and intellectual prowess of the Mustached American.

AMI was also working with luminaries to fight, as they saw it, a clear and unwarranted campaign against the Mustached American. Dr. Snor would later say, this was “mustache discrimination at its ugliest.” Whether it was helping Mark Spitz prepare for the 1968 Olympic Games, or marching along side of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who’s leadership and partnership was pivotal in that he would ensure that black Americans would not desert the mustache in the 1980s when most of white America would.

AMI also partnered with 20th Century Fox Studios and actor and miniature organist Robert Redford for his role in the landmark film “Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid;” and strategically worked with both anti-Vietnam War peaceniks and soldiers returning from Vietnam to encourage mustache growth and fight government anti-cookie duster efforts. It was an ecumenical alliance whose politics were always secondary to the return of the mustache. A separate concern, of course, was keeping the New Christy Minstrels from reuniting.

The golden age

On the heels of Redford’s performance and others like Burt Reynolds adopting the Mustached American way of life following his bare-lipped performance in “Deliverance,” the dawn of the 1970s marked a new age for Mustached Americans. Overnight, it would seem, more Americans were accepting and embracing the power, strength, and wisdom of the mustache and including it in what is now known as the fashion “Triple Threat” – the mustache, the perm and the turtleneck.

The signs of the power of Mustached Americans could be seen in all walks of culture. Dance coach and former “Dance Fever” host Denny Terrio required mustaches on men to compete in his disco dancing competitions. Night club owners nationwide took notice, and began requiring all male employees and 38 percent of female employees to wear mustaches while on the job, and during at least 42 percent of their off-time.

Understanding the power, strength, and intimidation surrounding the mustache, local and state law enforcement began issuing standard-issue mustache to all police recruits along with their badges, bad haircuts, uniforms, white socks, and weapons. And, understanding that mustaches gave men and women the aura of superiority and wisdom – and seeing the rampant popularity of Walter Cronkite – broadcast news organizations began issuing mustaches to all on-air personalities.

Sports was also not immune. Spitz would win yet more gold in the 1972 Olympic Games; stock car racing required drivers to wear mustaches for safety reasons; professional bowlers, considered the finest athletes of their era, began storing their mustaches in their balls; and Major League Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson ushered the mustache back into professional baseball.

“The baseball hall of fame is not the only hall in which Reggie Jackson’s bust and upper lip shall sit when it’s all said and done,” said Dr. Snor once said at a roast for Jackson. “The man in single-handedly responsible for bringing the finest form of personal expression back into America’s game. God bless Reggie, Reggie Bars, and Reggie’s performance in “The Naked Gun.”

No professional Major League Baseball player had worn a mustache during a regular season game since Satchel Paige in the 1940s. In the Spring of 1972, Jackson, then playing for the Oakland A’s, became the first to wear a mustache during a regular season contest since Paige on opening day.

Ironically, despite playing the in golden age of Mustached Americans, A’s owner Charlie Finley was not amused, and conspired with hall-of-fame manager Dick Williams to pay players $200 each to grow mustaches, so that Jackson would not feel like such an “individual,” and shave his mustache. The ruse, however, backfired on Finley. After Williams and players like Rollie Fingers, Catfish Hunter, and Joe Rudi grew soup strainers, the A’s became known as “The Mustache Gang.” The trend caught on, Finley saw the mustache as a marketing gimmick, and soon the A’s were holding mustache nights at their stadium, and teams like the Cincinnati Reds, Chicago Cubs, New York Yankees, and Milwaukee Brewers were fielding heavily lip-furred teams across America.

But despite these good times, AMI, which had established offices in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., continued its advocacy efforts and worked to insert G. Gordon Liddy into the administration of President Richard M. Nixon to maintain strong relations between the U.S. government and Mustached American community. Liddy had been tasked with remaining close to Nixon.

“We essentially told Gordo, do what you have to do,” said Dr. Snor. “He seemed comfortable with it, but unfortunately, he took it a bit too far.”

After Liddy took the instructions literally and tried to burrow into the White House, thus setting off a natural gas explosion, he was implicated in the “Watergate” scandal. AMI was forced to severe ties with him and ultimately focused efforts on closed doors meetings with staff and representatives on Capitol Hill, and then the administration of President Gerald F. Ford. And, with Ford’s backing, the FMTA was repealed with in 1976, and the mustache tax was gone, AMI hoped, for good.

Sadly, in hindsight it was unclear whether Ford understood he was signing a mustache-rights bill or simple a bill establishing Aug. 14th as Mustache Night at the Baltimore Orioles home game. Nonetheless, the outcome was positive.

Road to extinction

In 1979, with the state of the Mustached Americans seemingly strong despite Dr. Snor’s health beginning to weaken, AMI determined it should move its headquarters to St. Louis to be near the world’s largest mustache, the Gateway Arch. The question became where would be an aptly symbolic new home?

“We negotiated with the government on use of space in the basement lavatories of the Arch itself,” Dr. Snor mused. “But we felt like with the Fur Exchange set for demolition, and knowing that mustache fur had been traded there, we felt it was the only real option.”

Indeed, the circa 1919 International Fur Exchange building in St. Louis’ downtown was scheduled for demolition, and AMI stepped in and established its new headquarters there within a stone’s throw of the Arch.

The building had been the world’s largest raw fur exchange, previously trading eighty percent of the world's fur seal pelts along with beaver, human mustache, fox, dwarf mullets, and various pets. The last fur auction held in the facility was in 1956.

And with that decision behind them, AMI moved ahead with its efforts to established itself as the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of the Mustached American.

That year Dr. Snor also made a strategic hire, brining in Dr. Daniel T. Callahan as AMI research director, after Callahan had completed a Ph.D. programs in Nuclear Mustacheology at the University of Wisconsin's Tonsorial Studies Department.

In a frightening turn of fate, the 1980s nearly brought the death knell for the Mustached American. And despite the wild success of heavily mustached vehicles such as “Magnum P.I.”, the decade was an unquestionably painful one for lip fur zealots and holdovers like Burt Reynolds, the Lord and Savior Billy Dee Williams, and Gene Shalit.

As Ronald Reagan assumed the presidency of the U.S. in 1980, one of his first legislative actions was to reinstitute the FMTA on February 10, 1980. The Reagan version of FMTA added new, disturbing wrinkles – a “don’t ask don’t tell” rider was adopted all U.S. military personnel, causing thousands of military women and men to spend more time covering their mustaches than defending freedom. The FMTA also added a corporate tariff on mustaches, having an immediate affect on companies across the U.S., as the mustached corporate executive disappeared from the landscape while their pandering sycophants followed their CEOs’ lead.

And as the FMTA came back into law on Feb. 10, there was no coincidence about the timing of a retirement announcement by CBS’ Walter Cronkite, the man who told us President Kennedy had been shot, and who for 19 years was the most trusted man in America. “Uncle Walter,” as some called him, announced he was leaving the airwaves on Feb. 14, 1980, just four days after Reagan brought FMTA back to life. And while he would remain in the coveted anchor chair until March 6, 1981 – ultimately being replaced by the clean-shaven Dan Rather – the damage was done.

Having taken over the anchor chair at The CBS Evening News in 1962, Cronkite was the first, and sadly one of the last, of a rare species known as “Mustachiopithicus” or “Cronkite Man.” Mustachiopithicus was a breed of humans who walked the earth, holding down the integral role of telling Americans about the news and not, as it is today, making news in the most craven manner. His retirement caused a chain reaction among mustached anchormen, who began mysteriously dying or simply disappearing from the television landscape without its species anchor -- Cronkite.

What remained were the likes of famed mustached newsman Geraldo Rivera, Pat O’Brien, who at the time was with CBS in its sports division, and John Stossel, now an ABC reporter. These were just three of the few mustached newsmen who survived the near extinction of the mustached broadcaster.

Even after seeing the pain caused by Cronkite’s retirement, the Reagan administration was not done working to eliminate the Mustached American. And the administration’s 1986 Iran Contra affair was far more than it seemed at the time. It began as an operation to increase U.S.-Iranian relations, wherein Israel would ship weapons to a moderate, politically influential group of Iranians opposed to the Ayatollah Khomeini.

In return, the Iranians would teach CIA agents how to how to yodel in a Middle-Eastern dialect. The CIA would also distribute peanut M&Ms to the Kuwaitis who would give the U.S. spare hood ornaments and agree to open large Mercedes dealerships that would be used as distribution points in a plan to smuggle cheese to Pakistan. Also, as part of this plan, Major League Baseball pitcher Steve Howe would be traded from the New York Yankees to the Los Angeles Dodgers for Pedro Borbon and a credit at a rehab center for a player to be named later.

But in reality, this was all a ruse. In fact, it was a program aimed at taking mustaches under duress from Americans and shipping them in cases covered by the Israeli arms – to Iran to fully mustache Iranians. Recently unearthed presidential documents clearly define that this was part of a 25-year administration plan developed by then Vice President George H.W. Bush, formerly head of the CIA, so that eventually the U.S. could have the political weight to refer to Iranians as part of an “Axis of Evil.”

The return of FMTA and an associated administration propaganda campaign, also fueled a groundswell of anti-Mustached American anger. There were picketing signs outside of the CBS News headquarters in New York welcoming Rather into the anchor chair. And a backlash was unleashed like no other against the Disco movement and associated mustaches, with signs reading ”Disco Sucks” plastered from New York to San Diego.

FMTA also created several unintended consequences: An enormous wave of lip waxing by women, who in turn were turning up with painful sores on their lips from the procedures, and many of these sores were being misdiagnosed as Herpes Simplex 7.6, thus causing a false Herpes scare in 1987. Sadly, the gay rights movement becomes less happy and gay, leading Randy Jones, the original cowboy of the Village People, to invent and patent Prozac. And Michael Jackson inexplicably became white.

Seeds of rebirth

Two events occurred in 1988 that would reshape AMI moving forward. On January 3, 1988, Dr. Snor, who had bravely founded AMI to fight mustache discrimination in 1965, died from a tragic fall in his convalescence home after tripping over a herd of cats.

Then, George H.W. Bush assumed the Oval Office, and the assumption in the mustache community was that he would certainly continue the discriminatory anti-mustache policies of the Reagan administration and continue work towards his own “Axis of Evil” plan laid out some eight years earlier.

Dr. Callahan had his work cut out for him, so as the 1990s dawned, he decided it was time to part from back-room dealing and clandestine operations to a fully-functional public entity that would educate, research, and take the fight directly to the Bush administration.

Along with the AMI board of directors, he began the effort by hiring its first executive director to serve as the face of the organization -- Dr. Aaron Perlut, Ph.D., who had recently completed a Nuclear Mustacheology program at the Richmond, Virginia-based ITT Technical College’s Medical Wing.

Drs. Perlut and Callahan then built a an administrative staff including certified mustacheologists Vijoy Rao and Dr. Ryan McClure. Later that year, Robert "Bobby" Jones and Ronald W. Heinz were added to the administrative staff, and a brief time later, Dr. Joshua Rogers and Dr. Anthony Zagora were brought on board. The final piece of the administrative puzzle was adding a Spiritual Advisor, as the staff felt nothing aided mustache growth and advocacy quite like pagan prayer. The Rev. Michael Trautman was initially given the role, but was later removed for growing a "soul patch" and replaced by current AMI Spiritual Advisor REV. Yitzchak Islamanto.

Following the creation of the administration and faculty, AMI held an Initial Public Offering (IPO), selling shares on the New York Stock Exchange under the ticker symbol NYSE: AMI, and was quickly hailed as the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of the Mustached American race. The organization began holding its first “‘Stache Bash” rallies in major metro areas such as Kalamazoo, Mich., East St. Louis, IL, Cuba, Ala., El Dorado, Ark., and other cities and burgs around country to revive mustache. But still, challenges remained. Television and mustache stalwart Tom Selleck shaved his mustache, crippling the movement, and leading to a suicide attempt by Callahan.

“I simply lost it,” Callahan says in retrospect. “Selleck was a pillar of the Mustached American culture and movement. When he went, I essentially thought life was over and that 30 years of my life had gone for naught.”

The turning point came in 1992, when Bill Clinton became president. In the late 1980s, Dr. Perlut had been engaged to Gennifer Flowers, a passionate lover of mustaches who would later become famous for an alleged tryst with the then-Arkansas Governor Clinton. Flowers had introduced Perlut to Clinton, and the two had worked together on an Arkansas amendment allowing the “Alan Jackson Combo” of mustaches and mullets for state employees. After assuming the presidency, Clinton held high level talks with Perlut and Callahan in an effort to make sweeping, drastic changes to the FMTA.

“Bill had always suffered from ‘Bare Upper Lip Disorder’ (BULD), so he could never grow a mustache on his own,” said Perlut. “But he was nonetheless committed to the movement and to the equality of all men and exotic dancers, so he really worked hard with us to bring FMTA to its, and his, knees.”

On August 22, 1996, after four years of behind-doors wrangling with the Republican Congress, Clinton signed into law a new welfare reform bill which quietly impacted FMTA by repealing the military “don’t ask don’t tell” mustache provision, removing the corporate tax breaks for executive mustache discrimination, and changing tax code to provide annual 7 percent reductions to all mustached Americans – male and female.

“That was even sweeter than those oddly scented cigars Clinton gave us in the Oval Office that one time,” said Callahan. “The bill changed the face of Mustached American culture forever.”

The full bloom

Clinton’s welfare reform act and its mustache provisions drastically changed the face of American culture as it related to the everyday lives of Mustached Americans. Suddenly, Ted Turner was popping up on magazine covers. Film director John Waters went from smut peddler to director extraordinaire. The late Estelle Geddy was allowed on television again. And the executive torch was officially passed as Mexico’s deliciously-mustached Carlos Slim becomes the richest – and certainly manliest – man in world, passing pathetic geek Bill Gates.

And the seeds could been seen across generations. Members of Generation Y and Millennials began to ignore the advice of job recruiters and wear the mustache as a form of expression.

Still, lurking in the background, the “Axis of Evil” program first-begun during the Reagan administration had reached a full sprint mode under the mentally retarded son of the program’s architect, President George W. Bush.

So AMI began a fresh grass roots campaign to work with the group of Americans widely considered to be the brightest outside of the Mustached American community – actors and producers in Hollywood – in order to drive mustache awareness.

To the joy of his fans, Tom Selleck reunited with his mustache. In 2004, actor/comedian Will Ferrell and writer/director Adam McKay produced “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy,” reminding Americans of the lost race of mustached broadcasters that was lost upon Cronkite’s retirement. In 2006, mustached newsman Borat Sagdiyev of Kazakhstan launched a popular effort to explore American culture in his documentary: “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.”

And 2007 would see a record number of films starring leading men with mustaches including: the light and cheerful “No Country for Old Men” starring Josh Brolin; the straight to DVD “Oceans 13” with Casey Affleck; “Charlie Wilson’s War” starring the ever-fit Phillip Seymour Hoffman; the nearly unwatchable “Lars & The Real Girl” featuring Ryan Gossling; “The Simpsons Movie” with its Muslim character Ned Flanders; “Talk To Me” starring Don Cheadle; and of course, “Harry Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang” starring the ever-popular Nicky Kenmore.

The grass roots effort, however, was topped off when Daniel Day Lewis, playing the heavily mustached and light-hearted prankster Daniel Plainview in “There Will Be Blood,” won the Oscar for Best Male Actor. Lewis’ victory was the first mustached character to win the award since 1986 when Paul Newman won for the character Fast Eddie Felson in “The Color of Money” despite harsh protests by the Reagan Administration and Mr. T.

Throughout the pain and suffering, the sacrifice and struggles, the Mustached American community led by the AMI has come full circle. AMI has fought off the charges of the anti-mustache movement in government and abroad, and the mustache has rightly become more than just a delicate tuft of fur served atop a man’s or woman’s lip. No, the mustache has become a metaphor for all that is good, pure, and manly, along with things like fried chicken, pickup trucks, chainsaws, and Richard Simmons’ wardrobe.

Now, nearly 50 years after Dr. Snor first met Deep ‘Stache near that port-o-john in Washington, AMI has become known as one of the bravest, fiercest, best looking organizations in the history of mankind behind only the United States Marine Corps and the post-Jim Henson Muppets. And it is content to wage future battles with the men and women wearing beards and goatees, men who own cats, the noxious fans and stars of ”Sex & the City,” books written to cash in on flimsy trends, and Dave Navarro, who as we all know, is pathetic.